In need of some clean humor!

[Connie]

We, as a family, like to do what are called "mad libs" sometimes. You're given a list of words to fill out such as: plural noun, adjective, adverb, color, animal, etc. And you just fill them out with whatever you want and out pops a story using those words. It can be really funny! Just google "mad libs" and a bunch of different sites will pop up that have some you can do.

Anyway, some phrases that we've had that we still enjoy laughing over are:
"Resist the urge to hope. Change instead."
"She thinks you're spicier than Karl Marx!"

[talisyn]

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?



He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

[pam]

Three men are on a deep-sea fishing boat off a Caribbean island and they get to talking how they chose that island for a vacation.

"I had a terrible fire and lost everything," the first man says. "Now the insurance company is paying for everything. That's why I'm here."

"I had a terrible explosion and lost everything," the second man says. "My insurance company is paying for everything, too, and that's why I'm here."

"What a coincidence," says the third man. "I lost everything in a terrible flood, and the insurance company is paying for everything. That's why I'm here."

The two others look at him with stunned expressions. "Flood?" says one. "How do you start a flood?"

[pam]

Lost Puppy:

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.
Our neighbor, a widow woman, has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. Then she noticed the back door was open! She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.. He answers to the name "Tiny".



THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

[Dravin]

Okay, once again this may have been shared already (by me possibly, that's the problem with such a long thread).

A dying rich man who has been a good man all his life is still troubled by the thought that he can't take anything with him to heaven, so he prays constantly about the matter. After quite some time of this an angel appears and tells him that he may take one thing with him into heaven.

The man spends the short remainder of his life debating with himself what he should take with him and he finally settles on a piece of gold bullion. The fatefull day comes and the man finds himself standing outside the pearly gates and holding the gold. Quite happy with what has happened he lugs the gold over to the gate and is greated by St. Peter.

After a few minutes of talking Peter looks at the gold bullion and with a curious look on his face asks, “Why'd you bring a paving stone?”

[pam]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

Maid: Of course! What will I have to do?

Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?

Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

Maid: There's no pool here.

A long pause ...

Wife: Is this 555-4821?

[pam]

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

[pam]

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he notices that there is a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He steps on the gas, but the chicken keeps up. After about a mile, the chicken runs up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farmhouse.

The salesman drives up to the farmhouse and tells the farmer who answers the door what he has just seen.

"My son's a geneticist at the state university," the farmer says, "and he developed that breed. You see, the three of us have always liked drumsticks, and my son came up with a three-legged chicken so we would have to kill only one for Sunday dinner."

"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," the salesman says. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," says the farmer. "We've never caught one."

[pam]

An anthropologist and her guide are sitting around a campfire in a remote part of Borneo. In the distance, they hear the sound of drums, and the guide gets a worried look on his face.

As the evening wears on, the drums get louder, and the guide, looking more worried, says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The drums get louder and louder, until they sound like they are just on the edge of the camp.

"I really don't like the sound of those drums," the guide says.

The drums stop, and out of the darkness comes a voice, "Hey man, back off! He's not our regular drummer!"

[pam]

One night, a woman cooks deer steaks for the first time and serves them to her husband and two children. As they're enjoying dinner, the husband thinks it will be fun to have the children guess what type of meat they're eating.

"Is it beef?" the little girl asks.

"Noooo," teases the father.

"Is it pork?" the little boy asks.

"No, but I'll give you a clue," the dad says, as he smiles lovingly at his wife. "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" the little girl screams at her brother. "We're eating idiot!"