In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A newly married sailor is stationed a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he arrives he writes to his wife: "My love, we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

A week later he gets a package from his wife. In it is a harmonica and a note that reads, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

At the end of the year, the sailor rushes back to his wife.

"Darling," he says, "I can't wait to kiss you and hold you in my arms."

"First," she says, "let me hear you play that harmonica."

[pam]

A golfer is standing over his ball on the first tee for what seems to be an eternity. He looks up, then down, then up, then down. He measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed.

His partner stands to the side, and becomes more and more agitated. Finally, he yells, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The first golfer says, "I'm sorry, but my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Well, just hit the ball, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

[pam]

A young man who has never been out of his small town goes to the big city for a vacation. He registers in a small, family-style hotel, and as he is checking in, he asks about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m., lunch from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m., and dinner from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.," the clerk tells him.

"By golly!" exclaims the young man in surprise. "When am I going to get time to see the city?"

[skippy740]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson..'

HAVE A NICEDAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

[pam]

Two sassy seniors are discussing their husbands over lunch.

"I do wish that my husband would stop biting his nails," one says. "It makes me terribly nervous."

"My husband used to do the same thing," the other woman replies, "but I broke him of the habit."

"Really? How?" the first woman asks.

"Easy," she says. "I hid his teeth."

[pam]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Dravin]

They said we'd get a black President when pigs flew. 100 days into Obama's presidency... Swine Flu.

[pam]

That deserved more than just the laugh button so here goes.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahaha

[pam]

A plumber with a sense of humor:

[pam]

A man is unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and lands in a hospital's intensive care unit. His best friend comes to visit him about a week later.
The patient struggles to tell his friend, "My wife visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me here at my bedside."

"What does she read?" the friend asks.

Responds the patient, "My life insurance policy."