In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change ..."

[pam]

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by.

He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!"

"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

[pam]

Too much information:

When making those "final" plans, caution should be the watchword.
A couple were discussing what they would do if one of them died.

The woman: "Would you marry again?"

The man: "Definitely not."

She: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

He: "Of course I do."

She: Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

He: Okay, I'd remarry."

Woman, hurtfully: "You would?" Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Man: "Where else would we sleep?"

She: "Would you put away my pictures and replace them with hers?"

He: "That would seem the proper thing to do."

She: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"

He: "She can't use them -- she's left-handed."

[pam]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

[pam]

Father Malloy had the best of intentions -- but things happen!

The good father was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

[pam]

A very successful politician parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.


After the politician finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicians are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most import ant things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the politician.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOSH!!!" screamed the politician.



*

*


*

*
* "My Rolex!!!"

[Godless]

The CIA has just announced that they've discovered a Twitter account belonging to Osama bin Laden. His first Tweet: "lolz, deth 2 am3rika!!!". The national threat level has been raised to amber.

[pam]

A wizened gentleman is sitting on his front porch when up walks a young man with a clipboard in his hand.

The porch-sitter asks: "What are you selling?"

"I'm not selling anything," the young man says. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asks.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answers. "You're wasting your time with me, I haven't the foggiest idea."

[pam]

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, for it read, "Deepest Sympathy."

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"Unfortunately," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location," was the reply.

[pam]

THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE A SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.


SUDDENLY THE PEACEFULNESS AND RELAXATION OF THE MOMENT WAS INTERRUPTED BY A BEEPING SOUND. USING HER RIGHT HAND, THE FIRST YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER LEFT FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.


"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE BEGAN TO RING. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND BEGAN TO SPEAK. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP EMBEDDED IN MY HAND."



THE OLDER WOMAN FEELING VERY LOW TECH, BUT NOT ABOUT TO BE OUTDONE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO PUT THIS NONSENSE ALL TO REST. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE RESTROOM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE YOUNGER WOMEN RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER IN UTTER DISBELIEF.


WITH THAT, THE OLDER WOMAN LOOKED THEM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID......... “WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!"



(Sorry for the caps, I was too lazy to retype it)