In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Those eternal vows do not promise the advent of wisdom.

A man married barely a year goes back to the pastor who performed his wedding ceremony.

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" the parishioner asks.

"Definitely not," is the minister's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"OK. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year.

[pam]

"I don't know," the world-famous novelist said to his editor. "I just don't think my newer books are as good as my earlier works."

"Ridiculous" the understanding editor replied, "your writing is the same as it ever was. It's your taste that's improved."

[skippy740]

RECALL NOTICE:
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed
"Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6.. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I..B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.

[pam]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[pam]

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps, five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...
"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

[pam]

No matter where you travel, it seems creeping Americanism will catch up with you.

Two Americans traveling through English country lanes were arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town into which they wandered.

They decided to stop for lunch and settle the matter by asking a waitress.

"Please tell us where we are," one said, "but say it very, very slowly."

Sure, she replied. "Bur-ger Ki-ng."

[pam]

Financial advice is free as the wind, but the consequences of using it often are painful.

A girl in tears came running to her father. "You gave me some bad financial advice." she said.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest banks in the world," he said, "surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," said the girl, "they just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

[pam]

Men take it on the chin daily for being insensitive. It's not their fault -- simply poor communication.

• "I heard you" really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
• "It's a guy thing" really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear" really means: absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.
• "We're going to be late" really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

[Palerider]

What do God and President Obama have in common???????

God does not have a Birth Certificate either.....

[Jamie123]

Judge: "You have been found not guilty of theft."

Defendant: "Cool! Does that mean I can keep the money?"