In need of some clean humor! - Page 94

pam · #**931** (**permalink**) 07-01-2009, 01:26 PM

A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

pam · #**932** (**permalink**) 07-01-2009, 01:27 PM

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, an attractive woman says, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replies the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," says the woman. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measures out the cloth, wraps it up, then teasingly holds it out.

The woman snaps up the package, points to the somewhat aged gentleman standing beside her and smiles, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

pam · #**933** (**permalink**) 07-02-2009, 01:29 AM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

We haven't even "swept" together..I think you've been "sweeping" around.

pam · #**934** (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 03:39 AM

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining.

"Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 - 1 - 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

pam · #**935** (**permalink**) 07-03-2009, 03:44 AM

Ah, academic research in the golden age of computers.

Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"

Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.

Mother: "Really?"

Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people willing to sell theirs!"

pam · #**936** (**permalink**) 07-04-2009, 02:57 AM

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him". He picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man?

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

not_ashamed · #**937** (**permalink**) 07-04-2009, 07:40 AM

Okay well i'm not sure if this will be funny to anyone else but it sure got a laugh in my house.
During general conference this past year my son who at the time was 5 became very curious about Jesus. At that age they are so easily confused. Anyway, I overheard him asking my 8 yr old if Jesus was invisible, her reply was no hes not invisible you just can't see him. To which he said WHAT?????

Truegrits · #**938** (**permalink**) 07-06-2009, 02:21 PM

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.
The boss will see me, think I need rest, and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) "I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde, showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment, then starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".

pam · #**939** (**permalink**) 07-07-2009, 01:07 AM

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

talisyn · #**940** (**permalink**) 07-07-2009, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pam

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

I'm speechless