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09-10-2008, 10:25 AM
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In need of some clean humor!
Things right now in my life seem to be a crazy mess. I am so stressed that I can hardly sleep at night...............................so I am wondering if anyone has any funny stories to tell that might cheer me and everyone else up? In desperate need of some laughter...............oh and please keep it clean!
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09-10-2008, 10:31 AM
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A white horse fell in the mud...wait, you said clean.
I went white water rafting on Sunday with my scout troop. I was put in the boat with four rather weak paddlers. I knew that ahead of time and I figured I'd get through it okay. But at one point, I told the four of them to paddle. I watch all four paddles go in, I watch all four paddles move back in the water, and then I sat there in shock as the boat didn't move. I almost fell out of the boat laughing.
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In the beginning, there was God, and God said...
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09-10-2008, 10:53 AM
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The first time I told my husband I love him, his response was "who wouldn't?"
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| The Following 3 Users Laughed Out Loud when they read Wingnut's Post: | ||
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09-10-2008, 10:58 AM
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Why are the beaches so clean??
Because of the Tide!!!!!  
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods, then I found out how many people die from natural causes. "He's harmless. Back in the '60s he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS." ~ Captain Kirk in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home Why do the Drive-up ATM's have Braille instructions? 
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Truegrits (09-17-2008) | ||
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09-10-2008, 11:13 AM
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ok so the need to be reverent in sacrament meeting thread reminded me of this......lol
we don't have pews we sit in chairs that have to be set up every week (small branch). the missionaries are sitting behind us. my 4 yr old was wiggling around in his seat and ended up with his legs through the back (between the seat and the back of the seat), we don't have the solid ones, they are open. so he is through his chair up to his waist. well he couldn't finish going through cause his head won't fit so he had to come back out the way he went in......... that's trickier than it sounds. i can't pull him back through cause his legs are bending and his belt is catching on the seat. so i'm asking the missionaries to hold his legs up (so he's straight and not bending) and trying to take his belt off so they can push him back through while i catch the other end...... which really was quite funny....so the missionaries got the giggles which didn't help matters. being a small branch of course by this time the whole room is watching the show. i was so embarrassed. my son thought the whole thing was hysterical. i watch him closer now, no sticking your feet through the chair. lol
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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. -Terry Pratchett If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? -Peter Laurence
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applepansy (10-29-2008), jschroeder (10-12-2008), Lbybug (09-10-2008), melissar (12-22-2008), richlittell (09-18-2008), Truegrits (09-17-2008) | ||
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09-10-2008, 01:34 PM
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There was a massive fire at the Backwoods University. The library was one of the first buildings to go. Both books were burnt completely. Even worse, one hadn't been colored in yet.
The fire spread to the Dean's office building. It burned down to the wheels. It spread to the dorms, where the girls were let out of their stalls to run for their lives.
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Truegrits (09-17-2008) | ||
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09-10-2008, 01:59 PM
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Here - an e-mail I got yesterday.
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local Coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, There was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person A break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity Annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished The second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him The more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said *edited for political content* I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.
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Wickedness never was happiness.
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applepansy (10-29-2008), jschroeder (10-12-2008), Prodigal_Son (09-21-2008), richlittell (09-18-2008), SMG (10-09-2008), TheyCallMeMom (09-16-2008), Truegrits (09-17-2008) | ||
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09-10-2008, 02:15 PM
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Kids Are Quick
____________________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! ____________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ____________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher
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09-10-2008, 04:57 PM
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This was a great thread...very funny
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Berean (03-04-2009) | ||
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09-10-2008, 05:03 PM
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Ok. So my friend is pregnant and prone to tears anyway but she and her husband were watching a PBS special on parenting. Afterwards she burst into tears because she was sure she was the worst mother ever! She thought about all the mistakes she had made and then went into tuck their 6 year old son into bed. With tears streaming down her face she apologized for every wrong thing she had ever done in raising him. And left the room. Her husband came into his room next to tuck him in. The six year old said, "Dad, mom just came in and told me sorry for everything she did wrong. (Pause) I think you should too!"
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