family problems and homosexuality

[debi56]

I have searched for answers and prayed about this but am at a loss. My daughter, 23 years old is involved with another woman. Before I knew that they were involved, I had a developed a great relationship with the other female. Once I was told they were in love is when the problems started. I didn't even know they were lesbian.
My problem lies with total rejection of a gay lifestyle. I can't support or condone their relationship and they know this. I love my daughter and treat her no differently than I ever have. This is something that we don't talk about. I am not sure of how to deal with the other person. If I keep the friendship going, will it be like saying that I think it is ok? I can't figure out how to deal with all this. When I first found out, I was angry, sad, worried, and I cried a lot. How do I accept these girls without accepting their lifestyle? I don't feel that I should shun the other girl as I know she is a good person. I just don't know what to do. If the relationship continues, do I let her come to family get togethers?
Maybe someone can shed some light on this.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

From the church website:

Same Gender Attraction interview

[debi56]

I had read that article some time ago and had forgotten what it all said. Thank you so much for directing me back to it. It answered my questions. Thank you again, I feel this burden has been lifted some.

[DeborahC]

Debi, I have a son who is gay and I found these YouTube programs to be VERY helpful. You can start with part one then move to parts 2,3, etc., but this is my favorite part.
This large LDS family has several gay members. The parents are precious. Please watch it.

YouTube - LDS Homosexuality Pt. 3: Embracing our Homosexual Children

Remember, it's no more the OTHER girls fault than it is your daughters, so I'd continue to treat her with kindness so as not to alienate your daughter, myself.

God Bless You,
Deborah
(maybe it's our NAME? ::chuckling::

[georgia2]

what a tough one!
This is one of things that only someone who has been there can answer! (this is why Christ had to take on all the transgressions, pains, hurts) He understands.

I would think you would handle this the same as you would if your daughter was having a sexual relationship with a man. What if she moved in unmarried? You need to look at this no different than any other transgression. Homosexuality is more repulsive to us because we don't feel the same temptation. WE can understand being attracted to a man. WE can understand wanting to and even giving in to the desire to make love when we are unmarried.

It is very hard, but, you will need to treat both of them with the same love you did before you knew. You still love them? Remember when your daughter was a little girl? Love with the same love.
What if your daughter knew stuff about you, things that were temptations for you? Pretty scary, huh?
We can't judge. We just can't! If you treat them with love and not judge, you are not saying it is okay. They both know you do not approve of this transgression. Free agency is what we are on earth for. They will have to answer for their decisions. You will have to answer for yours.

Here's the real question, how does Christ treat them?

[skippy740]

May I suggest something else?

From the way I read the original post, I would feel that I was being lied to regarding the nature of their relationship - and that it was intentionally kept from me.

From this (if I'm correct), I would sit them both down in your home and discuss how you came to learn of their relationship and how you felt manipulated and lied to during this time... and that they felt that they had to HIDE it from you.

From what I sense from your post, you learned about your daughter AFTER she began to have a relationship, not before. I can only imagine that you wished your daughter would've come to you to discuss her feelings before seeking companionship with someone of the same sex.

There may be a disconnect in your relationship with your daughter to not trust you or feel comfortable enough to discuss such a sensitive topic.

Then I would lay down the ground rules for proper behavior in your home - probably as Elder Oaks outlined in the link above. No extended stays, may not have BOTH of them at family gatherings, and certainly no public displays of affection.

A little long on a side tangent, but that's what I sensed.

[debi56]

Originally Posted by DeborahC

Debi, I have a son who is gay and I found these YouTube programs to be VERY helpful. You can start with part one then move to parts 2,3, etc., but this is my favorite part.
This large LDS family has several gay members. The parents are precious. Please watch it.

YouTube - LDS Homosexuality Pt. 3: Embracing our Homosexual Children

Remember, it's no more the OTHER girls fault than it is your daughters, so I'd continue to treat her with kindness so as not to alienate your daughter, myself.

God Bless You,
Deborah
(maybe it's our NAME? ::chuckling::

Hi,
Thanks for responding, I have told my daughter that she will always be my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally. I also told her that i couldn't condone or support their relationship because it is a sin. I also told her I couldn't share this relationship with her, meaning that I didn't want to know about their relationship.
Thanks for the video links and I will be sxure to watch them.

[debi56]

Originally Posted by georgia2

what a tough one!
This is one of things that only someone who has been there can answer! (this is why Christ had to take on all the transgressions, pains, hurts) He understands.

I would think you would handle this the same as you would if your daughter was having a sexual relationship with a man. What if she moved in unmarried? You need to look at this no different than any other transgression. Homosexuality is more repulsive to us because we don't feel the same temptation. WE can understand being attracted to a man. WE can understand wanting to and even giving in to the desire to make love when we are unmarried.

It is very hard, but, you will need to treat both of them with the same love you did before you knew. You still love them? Remember when your daughter was a little girl? Love with the same love.
What if your daughter knew stuff about you, things that were temptations for you? Pretty scary, huh?
We can't judge. We just can't! If you treat them with love and not judge, you are not saying it is okay. They both know you do not approve of this transgression. Free agency is what we are on earth for. They will have to answer for their decisions. You will have to answer for yours.

Here's the real question, how does Christ treat them?

A lot of what you have said makes sense, I guess I just view homosexualtiy as worse than premarital sex. My children have lived with boyfriends and girlfriends and when they have come to visit, I did not let them sleep together.
My daughter told me once that she didn't see how they were hurting anyone and I said, "You both are hurting your salvation." I have extended more of an outpouring of love to her. The scripture, "Be still and know that I am God" comes to mind so much and that is comforting but there are times I still wrestle with it.
You are right about the other girl, I don't hold her more responsible than I do my daughter, I guess in all honesty. It is easier to write someone off more so than your own child. I know that there is always something to learn from trials even if they are not your own. Thanks for the advice.

[debi56]

Originally Posted by skippy740

May I suggest something else?

From the way I read the original post, I would feel that I was being lied to regarding the nature of their relationship - and that it was intentionally kept from me.

From this (if I'm correct), I would sit them both down in your home and discuss how you came to learn of their relationship and how you felt manipulated and lied to during this time... and that they felt that they had to HIDE it from you.

From what I sense from your post, you learned about your daughter AFTER she began to have a relationship, not before. I can only imagine that you wished your daughter would've come to you to discuss her feelings before seeking companionship with someone of the same sex.

There may be a disconnect in your relationship with your daughter to not trust you or feel comfortable enough to discuss such a sensitive topic.

Then I would lay down the ground rules for proper behavior in your home - probably as Elder Oaks outlined in the link above. No extended stays, may not have BOTH of them at family gatherings, and certainly no public displays of affection.

A little long on a side tangent, but that's what I sensed.

I did feel betrayed at first, but it was the other girl that told me about them. My daughter was raised by her father and although I stayed in her life all the years, I feel that we didn't really get to build the relationship we could have.
We do have heart to heart talks about a lot of things but she is a private person and she doesn't talk much about her feelings when it comes to personal relationships. I think she was afraid to tell me because she knows how much against same sex relationships I am. She did tell me she was afraid I would be disappointed in her.

Thanks for the advice and the side tangent

I came out to my family in May & June of 2007. I met my first long term partner in 2003. During 2003 & 2004 he and I attended family functions. I plainly stated that he was only a friend. My family seemed to like him. In 2005 he moved to another state, I chose to stay behind. That's how the relationship ended. In early 2007 I found another partner. He was kind of hinting that he wanted to be a part of my family. This time I did not want to lie and say I have just another friend. I finally got enough courage and phoned my mother, who lives in another state, and came out to her. Living with her for 32 years, she had no clue about me. Naturally she was upset and several questions raced thruogh her mind. There was no one on her side of the family she could talk to. However, she had a therapist at the time. She already made up her mind that the did not like or trust my new partner. She feared I would contract the HIV virus.
In June 2007 I flew out to Utah for a family reunion. During this time the LDS side of the family knew I was no-longer a member of the church. They still wanted to include me in various church activities. I tagged along as we saw the Manti Pageant and went to Temple Square. I started to feel the holy spirit during the reunion. I was beginning to realize what I was missing. I never was happy living a lifestyle that goes against Heavenly Father's plan. Towards the end of the reunion, I finally came out to my father and step-mother. Eventually my 3 brothers found out too. They still accepted my in the family but was against my lifestyle. They did tell me I could have a fully restored body during the time of the Millennium. I spent the last two days in Salt lake City alone, and visiting the sites. My mind was spinning out of control. At one point I nearly walked in front of one of the TRAX trains to commit suicide. I then made the decision to give up my lifestyle and return to the church.
I now live a celibate life and have no desire to live the way I did. After a year, I got re-baptized and was restored to an Elder. I find it kind of strange that the partner I met in 2007 led me to come out to my family. When I did, I made a 180 degree turn and returned to living a worthy lifestyle. He did not think me coming out would end up the way it did. He is happy for me and for the decision I made. On my profile page I have an Evergreen International video. Evergreen International-Helping Latter-Day Saints overcome same-sex attraction (homosexuality) is a LDS based program for those who are struggling with same gender attraction. It is not directly affiliated with the church. It does go by the church's teachings and even has general authority members speak at some of thier conferences. Church speaking, I'm a success story. However there are chuch members who are happier in pursuing thier other interests regarding relationships. It's ok to love your family member unconditionally. Also it's ok to disagree with their lifestyle. It seems like in the end each one of us will be responsible for our actions we do while on Earth. About all you can do is always continue to pray for your loved ones who are in a different relationship. Maybe they will re-discover where true happiness is.