Could you be having an emotional affair?

[Seanette]

Originally Posted by pam

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.

I might, if it were a movie my husband had no interest in and my friend and I did. I would, of course, make sure my husband was OK with this and be very upfront and aboveboard about the whole thing.

[Alana]

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

I trust myself, I trust my husband, and we have great friends. I don't trust human weakness and for myself, I'm more comfortable without opening this can of worms. This might not be for everyone, but I'm very satisfied in my social life and friendships without hanging out with guys and without hubby going out with women from work or where ever else he might know them from.

[foreverafter]

Originally Posted by Alana

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

It's not that you are not mature enough, it's that you are too wise to allow your husband to hang out with or have private conversations & friendships with other women. I don't think anyone is strong enough & trustworthy enough to do so without something eventually happening. It is playing with fire. You show that you have enough self-respect to require complete faithfulness from your husband & thus you help to protect him in the process.

[Honor]

Originally Posted by anatess

That's not even really it. There is a completely different purpose to friendship than to marriage. It is not about your spouse, it is about YOU. Whether he reacts negatively or not is irrelevant.

It's my opinion that there is not a clear right or wrong way for a spouse to feel about this situation. Certainly extremes can be irrational, but within reason, I don't think you can tell someone something like, "You shouldn't feel that way about your wife having male friends." I believe we should all strive to be understanding, but the comfort levels are GOING to vary and that's ok.

I think that it's something that people should address in the dating process - what they are and aren't comfortable with in regard to having friends and interaction with members of the opposite sex, and they should try to find someone that understands and can live with both of their expectations. If those expectations are too different, it's probably not a wise choice of a marriage partner.

Originally Posted by foreverafter

It's not that you are not mature enough, it's that you are too wise to allow your husband to hang out with or have private conversations & friendships with other women.

I think it should be less about a wife "not allowing" her husband to do certain things and more about him understanding her feelings about it and choosing not to because he loves her. It's the same outcome, but a different approach to it when it comes to free will. After all - all of us are going to be more willing to do something when we know that it's our own choice. Saying that I wouldn't allow my husband to do something would most likely only build resentment over time. It implies that he'd want to do it if I wasn't standing there watching him.
Again, I think it has a lot to do with the people we choose to marry and things we identify in them BEFORE we actually make the choice to get married.

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by Alana

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

So do I. I feel fights and problems should stay between spouses (and their counselor/bishop as necessary). I know a fellow who cheated on his wife without intending to. He was helping a female friend with her relationship, he started having trouble with his relationship and while his wife was visiting her mother the two were being one another's emotional ears which led to sexual infidelity.

My second cousin never said anything bad about her husband to anyone, and she was even gracious about what she said about him after their divorce. It was a testament to me of how to treat your husband in public.

If my husband and I have a serious altercation I cry to my Heavenly Father. He's the only person who won't give me faulty advice.

[Still_Small_Voice]

If you are married you must always guard your heart. Most of this just comes from putting the Lord first in your life. The Holy Spirit will warn you if an outside relationship is getting inappropriate.

I spend forty hours a week at work. I spend more time with my co-workers than I do with my wife. It is sad but a true reality.

[lilered]

Quite frankly I don't know where an active and practicing member of the church would find time to spend with friends to discuss marriage intamacies. Between work, home teaching, relief society, church callings, home duties, tending to spouses needs and childrens soccer etc.. If one does have the time for these type of discussions on an ongoing basis, then perhaps one might want to see where in their repsonsiblities they are not doing to carve out the necessary time not to mention the lack of effort to work these things out with their spouse.

[Alana]

Oh and my 'I'm not mature enough' comment, a little joking and a little serious. I don't want my husband talking behind my back, but if he does need someone to talk to, he knows I'm comfortable with him talking to his siblings, who I know.

Also, when people do cheat, I bet most of the time they really do love their spouse, but they get caught up in the action. When you're friends with the opposite sex, a lot of time an 'ego boost' comes with that relationship, and the feelings that illicits go hand in hand with a more serious relationship.

[anatess]

Originally Posted by pam

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.

We have... many times than I can count. We have movie nights every Friday - date night. Well, sometimes my husband can't get off work early enough, and he would call a friend to take me so I won't have to sit home - a lot of times it's our best friend who goes with me - sometimes his wife can't come, so we go ourselves. Sometimes it's the other way around and I have to work and my husband goes with friends - sometimes it's a girl. Sometimes I go with my "cousins"*, all guys. Sometimes, he goes with his friends, all girls. Sometimes we all end up going together and we have to go very early so we can reserve 2 full rows at the theater. Sometimes I chat with friends on the phone all night long... sometimes it's my best friend from high school - a guy, sometimes it's my best friend from college - another guy. Sometimes it's my college friend who is now my husband's best friend - another guy, gay, but still a guy. We literally do not sift through friends according to gender...

Marital problems are for my husband and I to solve. I don't whine about it to my friends to get sympathy vote. I do bounce it off with some of them (the ones who don't gossip) for a sanity check. Cheaper than to go hire a professional shrink.

Anyway, that's why my husband married me - for an ex-runway-model it is refreshing to him to have a wife who is secure enough in our relationship to trust him around other girls. And, I don't have the "I let my husband..." gene. I don't "let my husband" do anything. He does whatever he feels needs to be done. I find it the ultimate expression of his love for me when he chooses for himself to respect me and not betray my trust in him - physically or emotionally.

*By the way, you must be Filipino if... you have more "cousins" than you can count and none of them are related to you...

Hey Pam! I did not forget your pansit! I just haven't had a chance to drop it in the mail!

[Traveler]

I do not have emotional affairs. I like people but there is no one that I would open up to like my wife. I do not trust anyone with personal things like I trust her. I have discovered, however that no matter what our intent there are things we should not do with the opposite sex. I travel a lot in my work – my wife loves travel but I really do not care to travel.

One of the engineers assigned to my team was a rather overdone female. I say over done because she did too much with herself. Too much make up, too much flirting, too much touching and stuff trying to get herself accepted. Other than that she was an okay engineer. During our traveling she made some personal confessions to me – I am really bad about this sort of thing; I just say what I think. In essence I told her to get herself together. I gave her a Book of Mormon (she was a member but had not been to church in 10 years). She confessed to me that she would like to go to church but did not want to go by herself. Now the dumb part for me. I told her I go all the time to church alone but if it would help her get back to it – she could come with me.

Okay, bringing someone to church when you are traveling is not very bright. Half the ward thought she was my wife. The other half thought I was having an affair. Why would someone bring a mistress to church? What I should have done was call the Relief Society President and gotten another female to take her. Part of the problem with these kinds of things is what other people think. I am sorry if I offend anyone but appearances can effect others and not always for the good. What we think may be okay for ourselves may not help others in a positive way.

Yes I did let my wife know but she thinks that me in an awkward situation is the very height of funny.

The Traveler