Could you be having an emotional affair?

[ruthiechan]

I found this article to be well worth the read.

Emotional Affairs - Recognizing and Coping With Emotional Infidelity - Oprah.com

"Emotional cheating (with an "office husband," a chat room lover, or a newly appealing ex) steers clear of physical intimacy, but it does involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal. People enmeshed in nonsexual affairs preserve their "deniability," convincing themselves they don't have to change anything. That's where they're wrong. If you think about it, it's the breach of trust, more than the sex, that's the most painful aspect of an affair and, I can tell you from my work as a psychiatrist, the most difficult to recover from.

. . .

"It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck—I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy—if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress."

[foreverafter]

I believe that emotional affairs are far more common than most people realize. People who are having thoughts & feelings or friendships or private personal discussions by phone or in person, with someone of the opposite sex other than their spouse rationalize it & hardly ever see it as wrong or adultery. You don't have to have any sexual or romantic feelings for someone to commit emotional adultery, it usually feels like you're 'just friends', so most people don't see it for what it is.

Often married people have these friendships right out in the open & their spouse often nievely or under pressure goes along with it & allows it. Just because it's not "hidden" doesn't mean it's ok. One Prophet said if he saw a woman he knew walking in a storm, he would not pick her up. One must be that careful. There are no safe personal friendships with the opposite sex after marriage.

[pam]

I think that's where people feel the line is drawn. No sex involved therefore not adultery.

[Honor]

I took a Marriage Prep class up at the U Institute years ago and I remember one lesson in particular on all the different types of infidelity - social, emotional, physical... etc.

The teacher first asked us for our definition of infidelity in marriage (most of us assumed something of a physical nature), but by the end of the class we concluded that it really means sharing something that should be shared with your spouse, with others.

[anatess]

There's only one meter for me to go by... I have TONS of friends - most of which are of the opposite sex. A lot of them are emotional pillars... like if I'm mad at my husband, I call one of my friends and get a sanity check. Or, if I'm one second away from buying those $1,000 Jimmy Choo shoes, I call one of my friends for emotional support to bring me back to earth. Or if I'm just down and out and my husband is not able to support, I call one of my friends to cry on.

How do I know I'm not committing emotional infidelity? Because, for each and every one of them, I don't feel the need to "hide" it from my husband.

Believe it or not, you can have strong friendships with the opposite sex and still love your husband with all your being.

[Seanette]

I don't see a problem with a married person having opposite-sex friends, but there needs to be full honesty with the spouse. I tell my husband about male friends (and make sure they meet if possible), he keeps me informed about female friends of his (mostly workmates).

It's when you start hiding things from your spouse, or putting the friendship before the marriage, that there's a problem, IMO.

[dazed-and-confused]

I TOTALLY agree with anatess,......being an emotionally involved FRIEND doesnt mean you are cheating if thats the kind of person you are and nothing is secretive concerning your spouse.

[Honor]

Originally Posted by dazed-and-confused

I TOTALLY agree with anatess,......being an emotionally involved FRIEND doesnt mean you are cheating if thats the kind of person you are and nothing is secretive concerning your spouse.

Might be worth mentioning that it's not only about full disclosure, but also reacting to how your spouse feels about the situation.

[anatess]

Originally Posted by Honor

Might be worth mentioning that it's not only about full disclosure, but also reacting to how your spouse feels about the situation.

That's not even really it. There is a completely different purpose to friendship than to marriage. It is not about your spouse, it is about YOU. Whether he reacts negatively or not is irrelevant.

You need to be clear on what your purpose is for hanging out/spending time/emotionally investing in another person that is not your spouse. I don't sift friends according to gender - she can be my best friend because she's a girl, he can't because he's a guy? Why not? Friends are friends regardless of gender. Be clear on your purpose and make sure everybody understands it, especially your spouse. Of course, if he takes exception, then there may be something wrong with your marriage (trust issues) and you have to address that.

[pam]

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.