What happens when a member stops coming?

[BenRaines]

After 45 years of regular attendance I was out of town one Sunday, went the next, Stake Conference the next and missed a Sunday.

No worries.

Ben Raines

[missyuk]

Originally Posted by Moksha

Bcguy,

My advice to any member who has asked similar questions over the years remains, to look to the Church for spiritual needs and not for fellowship. That way when fellowship is not given, no one will be disappointed.

No-one will be disappointed? Not even "Him Upstairs"?

I understand what you're saying, but surely that is just excusing poor behaviour. I could be wrong but I thought that the LDS Church focuses on the virtue of Charity, as a "Gospel Principle" (As I'd expect from any Christian religion)

Is fellowship not an integral part of LDS life? After all, why bother meeting together for worship, if you could gain just as much by pretty much staying at home and having your own private worship?

Surely spiritual needs and the need for fellowship are inextricably linked. I personally can't see how these could be separated, even if you wanted to....with the exception of being a solitary monk or something like that, perhaps!

[BenRaines]

Having moved several times in my adult life I have always found people to be friendly where I attend church. Of course I too am very friendly with other people so receive their kindness in return.

I go out of the way to introduce myself to people as I arrive at church. I arrive about 30 minutes before meeting begin, this allows me time to go around saying hi. If I were to arrive just as meetings begin there would be little time to visit.

Good luck,

Ben Raines

[cougarfan]

Wow no visits from members or hometeachers... never heard of that problem before. How come my ward won't leave me alone? ;-)

[Carl62]

Originally Posted by cougarfan

Wow no visits from members or hometeachers... never heard of that problem before. How come my ward won't leave me alone? ;-)

I was inactive for over 15 years and never saw a home teacher or any member for that entire time! Nada! Nothing! And it's not like they couldn't find me. My name and address was in the church directory the entire time. I can go one even better. I've now been active for over the past year and I've STILL got yet to see or hear from just one home teacher. Sad but true.

[Generally_Me]

Originally Posted by bcguy

Our bishop who I have known since he was a member asked me and my wife to go in for financial counseling asked us to come in. Wife is putting it off. I don't want to go in and have people stare at me with no wife at my side. This happened many times. My wife is a life time member and i'm a convert.

I want to respond to this. You won't meet the bishop halfway when he requests a meeting with you, you won't attend without your wife, and you expect people to 'hunt you down' at home, not knowing if you even want them to visit you? I think your ward will understand that you and your wife are separate people, not joined at the hip. I've attended without my husband before, and he without me. The most we get asked is if the other is feeling all right.

Hey, have you visited any inactives lately? Offered a hand of fellowship to someone you haven't seen at church in a while?

[Lost_one]

Originally Posted by bcguy

Just curios to know. No one has visited me in 8 weeks except, last week..and that was because he was NOT told to visit me. He visited me, not for my welfare, or concern that why I have not been to church, but because he wanted to show off his rebuilt engine on his car. The second counsoler, asked me 6 times!! what my email and phone number was, and said he would visit me! well that never happened. Every time I goto the ward, most people don't talk to me or perhaps ignore, NOT once did thay ask "Were were you?"

G, I could be in the hospital with tubes in me and no one would once seek out where I have been. I am getting the idea, that members are to much into them selves and perhaps, very judgmental.

Our bishop who I have known since he was a member asked me and my wife to go in for financial counseling asked us to come in. Wife is putting it off. I don't want to go in and have people stare at me with no wife at my side. This happened many times. My wife is a life time member and i'm a convert.

Now, what does happen to a member who does not come in for a long time? Does there paperwork change?

I used to think this way.

Originally Posted by pam

Do you talk to people when you go to church? Do you seek out members in the ward and ask how they are doing? Have you asked if there is a service to provide that you might be able to help with? Have you called your Bishop just to say.."Hey just checking in."

My experience is when people complain about things like this, they have made no effort themselves to do any of the same things they are complaining about. They in turn become the same judgmental people that they call everyone else.

It's easy to put the blame on others, when in fact there are things we ourselves can do.

This is what I learned. I had to get out of my comfort zone. I started by doing service projects. That way I got to spend time with individual members and got to know them that way. It men't that when I wen't to church the following week, there was someone I knew. I slowly built up friendships and now can speak to quite a few people.

I have really bad shyness and suffer from mental health issues. These make it very difficult for me to be a member of the church, as the church is very social in nature. Only when I realised that I needed to change how I was with other members, I then saw them as normal people and not as perfect people that were not allowed to make mistakes.

I also feel that members have to get out of there comfort zones and fellowship with people outside there own clicks. It might also be worth talking to that person who will not be a bishop or stake high councilman someday soon. They may not be able to get you up the church ladder, But they might be just what your spirit needs to get there on your own.

[pam]

Lost_One you brought up a something that got me to thinking. A couple of others have also mentioned "comfort zones."

I think even those (myself included) who have been long standing members perhaps need to rethink our own "comfort zones." Yes it's great to have our circle of friends at church that we are comfortable with. But I think we also need to think outself that circle and invite others in as well. We need to take a look around us. Do we see someone who appears to always be sitting by themself? Do we see someone who doesn't participate in discussions? Do we see someone we have never said hello to?

I wonder if we don't sometimes think that person just doesn't want to be in involved when really they do. But they haven't learned to go outside their own comfort zone to accomplish that. Maybe just a little nudge from some of us would help that person along.

Years ago I had a Bishop that challenged all of us to find one person each week that we didn't know and say hello and introduce ourselves. It worked then. I have forgotten about that challenge. Time to put it in action again.

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by pam

Do you talk to people when you go to church? Do you seek out members in the ward and ask how they are doing? Have you asked if there is a service to provide that you might be able to help with? Have you called your Bishop just to say.."Hey just checking in."

My experience is when people complain about things like this, they have made no effort themselves to do any of the same things they are complaining about. They in turn become the same judgmental people that they call everyone else.

It's easy to put the blame on others, when in fact there are things we ourselves can do.

I hear this sentiment all too often in the church. If someone feels lonely or is finding it hard to break into the ward's social structure, then its THEIR fault and THEY should do something about it. Heaven forbid I reach out to them. Heaven forbid I see an opportunity where I might reach out to strengthen a feeble knee or a hand that might be hanging down!

I honestly don't think BC is blaming anyone. I think the church promised it would be there when one was down and out and when he found himself in that posture, no one came like he hoped they would to remind him that he was valueable and missed.

We all have bad times where walking around the meeting house 30 min early just might not be possible. I resent the scorn that seems so subtle in comments like this.

(Not you personally, Pam. I see what you and others are saying. I just think it sidesteps the point.)

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by pam

Lost_One you brought up a something that got me to thinking. A couple of others have also mentioned "comfort zones."

I think even those (myself included) who have been long standing members perhaps need to rethink our own "comfort zones." Yes it's great to have our circle of friends at church that we are comfortable with. But I think we also need to think outself that circle and invite others in as well. We need to take a look around us. Do we see someone who appears to always be sitting by themself? Do we see someone who doesn't participate in discussions? Do we see someone we have never said hello to?

I wonder if we don't sometimes think that person just doesn't want to be in involved when really they do. But they haven't learned to go outside their own comfort zone to accomplish that. Maybe just a little nudge from some of us would help that person along.

Years ago I had a Bishop that challenged all of us to find one person each week that we didn't know and say hello and introduce ourselves. It worked then. I have forgotten about that challenge. Time to put it in action again.

Life is rough sometimes. It breaks us down and it sometimes knocks our feet out from under us. We all need to feel needed and wanted and noticed and like someone witnesses it when it happens and runs to see if we are ok.

I am with you BC. I have been the person that no one missed, that no one visited in the hospital that no one returned my overtures for friendship. I have had the VTers that could care less about the person sitting in front of them and witnessed the groups of believers that seem so friendly and so fun but who avoid talking to you when they see you at the market! And I am no wall flower. I have just learned that there are seasons of my life when my otherwise social skills were suspended because of woundedness or health problems or emotional traumas, and frankly the mormon community I loved so much and gave so much to over the years failed me.

Now.....I am all good. I understand my situation and that some seasons of life are lonely seasons and I am not judging or blaming as you might think. I am just saying I understand how it happens as I have reached out inspite of my troubles and still felt the cold mormon shoulder.

What I am trying to say is that I believe that the hearts of the children of men, inside this church we love, are growing colder. I believe our abilities of reaching out spontaneously, without needing to have the evaluation of that person's responsiblities and failings before I reach out with a hand or a smile, are diminishing. Children don't think like this! They make friends with anyone they meet and they play like they have been friends for years! We should take a lesson.

The church has some weak parts. I think this is thread is just another subtle reminder that Satan is working within to destroy the stuff that makes us real disciples of Christ.

Who cares that someone is struggling! Just tell them to buck up and go serve someone! Who cares that maybe just getting to church was enough of a struggle! or maybe just gettting up that day and getting the kids off to school! Many have seasons where gladhanding everyone in the ward isn't that easy. Just because its easy for me, I shouldn't assume anything. Rather I should see an opportunity to give and not hesitate to give it. If this really is the church of JC and this is the place where the church of the first born reside, this kind of loving care should be as natural as breathing in and out. Sadly, I think parts of us are more like the church in the BofM .....still trying to learn the basics of how to love.