What we teach our young women.(what we shouldnt)

[Ijustforgotit]

My wife has recently told me a few things about what she was taught in young womens. They always taught her that she should set standards to marry return missionaries and least one lesson a month completely focused on that subject. I do not think this is wrong , but i believe its wrong when women wont give a good man a chance. even though this person may be an active righteous member of the church.].. this upsets me very much... I did not serve a mission however i have gone to the temple with my wife... but yes i had hard times in my teenage years.... I have a great friend who is an active member of the church... and always was my friend even when i was going the exact opposite way of the teachings of the church... His wife had an affair on him and appostasised the church they got a divorce over a year ago... This friend of mine however did not serve a mission either, and is trying to find lds women to date.... I feel very bad because on multiple occasions he has said he has clicked with women on ldssingles.com and have really hit it off... but multiple times they have asked if he was an RM and hes not and they just stop talking to him.... I understand why some women have set a standard for themselves to marry a young missionary... but in know way do i believe that it should be a defining factor... i mean some of these girls wont even give him a chance.... why is that??? its sad to me... because i know that there are those within the church who did not serve missions who may in fact be more righteous and have a closer relationship with god then those who have. So please
any of you young women out there.. don't define a man on that one factor alone... its not right. Any thoughts?
They need to also teach in young womens that there are good men out there who have not served missions also... and that people can change....i did


UPDATE: I believe that god has missions for those who do not serve a mission at that time of their lives he has missions that are just as sacred that do not involve them leaving for two years to convert others.... Missions that we do not understand but that are just as important...
UPDATE: Judge a man on his current actions... not his past

[beefche]

If you actually read the lessons in the YW manuals, there is nothing that says to pick a returned missionary as a companion. Each manual (there are 3) does talk about making the committment to be sealed in the temple, and not married civilly.

Sounds to me that some teachers or listeners are teaching/hearing something that isn't in the manuals.

[applepansy]

President Monson and President Packer didn't serve missions. There are others. The WWII intervened in their lives.

A mission doesn't automatically make someone a good person. It can help but only if they let it help.


Addition: Personal experience: Back in the dark ages I was dating my husband...... We were high school sweethearts. After graduation we didn't move our relationship forward so I started looking around. He wasn't interested in a mission and he wasn't interested in school. My boss' son came home from his mission and we went on a few dates. On our first date he didn't wear his garments. It was pretty obvious through his shirt (and this is back when garments were one piece). I'm pretty outspoken and said something. The second date he wore his garments but I had to fight his hands off the entire date. I think there was a third date and a kiss. I know there were more than three dates. The more I got to know him I found him very controlling and when I told him I wouldn't date him again he threatened to have me fired. That's when I knew I'd made the right decision. Hubby and I were married a few months later and have been married 36 years. I'm glad I made the choice I did.

[Anon16]

I am currently a young women and I can honestly say that yes, they do make a big deal about it and that is the general attitude in most women. I know one girl who turned 18 yesterday who said she wouldn't consider someone who isn't a RM.
For myself, there are 2 things that have influenced me with this.

Both of my parents are converts. Neither went on a mission. They have their challenges though. My mom dated a RM that ended up being a child molester. Thankfully she didn't marry him.As stated above, RM's are not perfect.

The other reason is my current bishop. He is a wonderful man, but he is not a RM.

For me, I am not immediately going to turn down someone that isn't a RM. I try to be open minded.

[unixknight]

This topic has come up a few times in my circle of friends and family.

I think it's extremely narrow-minded and wrong to automatically exclude any non-RM outright. (I have very strong feelings on this, and hopefully this post will clarify why.)

I do not believe that every single person is called to serve a mission. I just don't. This should be obvious by how the system works. Serving a mission is not a one size fits all calling. That being the case, then logically it would mean that the percentage of faithful LDS members who have served on a mission will always be something less than 100%.

Now, every single member of the church IS expected to get married at some point and rise a family. If all young women in the church followed the advice to only date RMs, then essentially, not going on a mission is like sentencing oneself to a single life... or to be forced to date outside the church. I find it hard to believe this is the intended result.

I have a good friend who didn't serve a mission. Is he not "good enough" to be of interest to an LDS woman? He works hard, is educated, has a good job, and has a lot to offer. Nevertheless, there are people in our church who would say he's not dating material because he didn't feel the Lord called him to serve a mission.

What are guys supposed to do? Go on a mission whether they feel called by the Spirit to do so or not? Is that really a good idea?

[Backroads]

I have mixed feelings on the subject.

To begin, I completely and utterly agree with all that has been said, that no girl should search only for an RM and that plenty of non-mission-serving young men are wonderful.

However, I also believe there are very few excuses for not serving a mission. According to my husband (who can get quite passionate on this subject), there isn't any. He's the sort of guy that believes even the paralyzed guy in the wheel chair can do SOMETHING. Now, my cousin's husband is a great guy who chose not to serve a mission in order to help provide for his mother and siblings right after his father passed away. I completely respect that.

Serving a mission doesn't automatically make you a righteous member of the church and servant of the gospel, but I believe the reverse is true: a righteous man will make the effort to serve a mission and not go with any excuse of "I"m just not cut out to go".

So I believe the intended point of some of those lessons is for a young woman to find a worthy and righteous man. And a righteous young man will most likely want to serve a mission.

So I do understand valid excuses, and I think young woman should be taught to look for deeper things beyond whether Cute Guy served a mission or not, but I don't think serving a mission is the personal choice so many want it to be.

[Bini]

This was my experience, too. I remember being a Beehive and going into Mia Maids, and feeling that same EXACT attitude. Regardless, what the manuals say, YW teachers will have personal opinions like everyone else, and sometimes those opinions come off as doctrine to the girls they are teaching.


Absolutely, there are righteous men that don't serve, and may not even be members of the LDS church. But saying that, I think it's important that we have certain standards and expectations when jumping into the dating pool, potentially looking for a spouse. If someone prefers a returned missionary, so be it.

[MarginOfError]

I won't add a whole lot to the conversation other than to say this:

I worked in the mission office for several months as a missionary and was privy to some of the information about what missionaries were and/or weren't doing. My observation is that having served a mission is a very poor indicator of the commitment and conviction of the individual. And I was in a mission with very few behavioral problems.

Using "RM status" as an indicator of "fit for marriage" is just setting our young women up for disappointment.

[unixknight]

Originally Posted by Backroads

So I do understand valid excuses, and I think young woman should be taught to look for deeper things beyond whether Cute Guy served a mission or not, but I don't think serving a mission is the personal choice so many want it to be.

The only part where I don't agree (and it may just be a flaw in how I'm interpreting your post) is that there seems to be an overtone of "If this guy didn't go on a mission he should be seen as a slacker until proven otherwise."

I think to say that absolutely everyone should serve a mission (or even close to "absolutely") is a serious oversimplification. Not everybody is called to serve a mission, plain and simple, and the question of whether they've been called is personal, between them and Heavenly Father. For us to second guess it is terribly inappropriate.

I'll concede that most probably are. That doesn't mean the remainder should have to defend themselves.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

I didn't go on a mission. Landed myself a great mormon chick anyway.

As my wife and I raise our daughters, we are very mindful of this topic. We want them to pick good men and live happy full lives (on earth and through the eternities). We try to teach them everything we know about what makes a person good or bad. "Went on a Mission" really isn't enough information to tell one way or the other. Dedicating 2 years of your life to serve the Lord with all your strength is a good thing. Lying your way through the interview and paperwork and MTC and 2 years of mission for self-centered reasons is a bad thing, even though some good may have come of it. Going on a mission because you've always followed the path your parents set for you, could be a good thing or an indicator that a woman should look elsewhere for a marriage partner.

Individuals are, well, individual. They're unique. They're all mixtures of experiences and character and things. When looking for a mate, you must evaluate each one individually. I tell my daughters that I'm fine with them looking for an RM. There were lots and lots of women doing the same around me, and I hope they all found someone good to marry, but none of them married me.