Teen-proof Your Home This Winter!

[john doe]

I came across this column and thought it would be fun to share. It can be found inits original form at http://stcharlesjournal.stltoday.com/opini..._beck_1.ii1.txt . The author had taken an ad for a squirrel removal service and changed the word 'squirrel' to 'teen'. He was so happy with the way everything worked out, he printed it. Here goes:

A DIFFERENT WORLD: Remember to teen-proof your home this winter







Saturday, December 8, 2007 2:32 PM CST


(Note: I wrote the following column by taking a squirrel removal service's advertisement and replacing the word "squirrel" with the word "teen." As the father of two teens, I can tell you it works surprisingly well.)

One of the most common teen removal services we provide is for teens in the attic.

During certain times of the year, teens will enter homes by chewing their way into your house. Once inside, teens can cause significant damage to your home. Some of the most common forms of damage associated with teen infestation include shredded and damaged insulation, stains from urine and other waste matter, and a pungent odor throughout the home.Of course, the most serious danger of having teens in your home is a fire hazard. Teens are destructive by nature, and like all rodents they chew on wires. This can be avoided by having the teens removed from your home and then teen-proofing your house to make sure they don't return.

Teens across the area are constantly getting themselves into trouble. They are mischievous by nature, and fall down chimneys, get stuck in woodstoves and squeeze their way into places they shouldn't be. We have removed teens from just about every part of the house at one point in time.

"It sounded like a party in my attic!"

"We were unknowingly running a bed and breakfast for teens!"

If you've made comments like these, you're not alone. These are actual testimonials from people who've had their sanity restored after using our teen removal service.

While many people think teens are adorable, clever little creatures, homeowners know them to be destructive, dangerous, loud and annoyingly persistent pests. Teens can cause significant damage now and leave your home vulnerable to hazards later on.

Then there is that constant, nightly racket you have to endure. Once you discover you have a teen infestation, call us immediately to discuss ways to get rid of them.

We will emphasize the importance of teen-proofing your home. Believe us when we tell you that if you don't seal up the access points the teens used to get into your house, you will have more teens return to your home!

In some cases, teens are using four or five holes in your roof to get inside. All of these must be properly sealed to prevent their return, but ONLY after we're 100 percent sure there are no teens inside before we seal it. The last thing we want to do is trap a teen in the attic. We've heard cases where the teen will eat their way right into the living room in an effort to get out!

One question we often get is, "What do you do with the teens after you remove them?"

Actually, the teens aren't removed; we just seal your house while they are away so that they cannot return. Once the teens realize they can't get back in, they will go look for a new dwelling. They are quite the resourceful little creatures.

Our customer Jim R. put it best when he said, "The teens are gone, and so are the smells! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

We thank you, Jim R., for your business. We wish all of our customers a happy, teen-free winter! [/b]

Scott Beck of St. Charles is a Web page specialist for a health foundation in St. Louis. He writes a semimonthly column for the Journal.

[pushka]

LOL John Doe! That's a good one!!

[Alaskagain]

But there was not any mention of the ominous screen glow from the computer room . . . .

[pam]

So john doe..so if I seal off my house to teenagers perhaps they will go to yours?

[Princess3dward]

O U C H

Oh well.
I am a legal adult in two days anyway!
So SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT TEENS! :P

[Dr T]

(at what age is a legal adult again? 8 what?) just messing with you Des.

[Princess3dward]

HAHAHAHA!
I know people who consider themselves a teen right until they are 20 because of that.

[Canuck Mormon]

They may leave your house, but when you let your guard down, they can return after they are teens. I know I did, and I was 30 so I could get around the "teen-proofing" HAHAHAHAHAHA :P

[Maedoc]

hey we teens aren't all bad