Why Women Don't Marry

[Over43]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but since it did come up this afternoon in conference I thought here might be good.

As presented in this afternoon's session, briefly, more women are having children singlely. "Out of wedlock", or whatever phrase we can use.

This last few months I read "Boys Adrift" by Sax. He discusses this topic (women having children out of wedlock). And though we see it as a moral issue, Sax's reseach shows that many women can't find "a man" who they believe is mature enough to either marry or see rasing their child. So, they dcide to have a child and raise him/her as a single parent.

The onus of this dilemna seems to be men (of which gender I am included) to hang up the video game remote, turn off the p-o-r-n (I thought Larry Crowne had a good example of this), take their 20's, 30's and 40's seriously, and be responsible.

I understand this is a brief and not very eloquent post, and this issue does remain a moral issue for many of us, but there seems to be a deeper seeded problem to it than women "just getting pregnant." For many this is a hard and long thought out process.

[beefche]

I don't think women necessarily plan this. I think they meet a guy, fall in love, have a sexual relationship without protection, and end up pregnant. Then, when the relationship goes bad, the women are now with a child and likely without any support (financial or otherwise) from the fathers.

There might be some women who plan on a child without a father, but I'm thinking the majority of women who have children out of marriage it is more "accidental." "Accidental" being relative since any time you have sex, you should plan on a child (protection or not).

[Just_A_Guy]

Two factors here that may be at play:

1) If fewer unmarried women are having abortions, then (all other things being equal) the proportion of unwed births will naturally increase.
2) If married couples are having fewer children, then (all other things being equal) the proportion of unwed births will naturally increase.

[Traveler]

Originally Posted by beefche

I don't think women necessarily plan this. I think they meet a guy, fall in love, have a sexual relationship without protection, and end up pregnant. Then, when the relationship goes bad, the women are now with a child and likely without any support (financial or otherwise) from the fathers.

There might be some women who plan on a child without a father, but I'm thinking the majority of women who have children out of marriage it is more "accidental." "Accidental" being relative since any time you have sex, you should plan on a child (protection or not).

Beefche - I think you are partly right and partly wrong. I believe you are correct with the idea that women do not plan to have a child. However, once pregnant it seem to me that women tend to become much more serious as they contemplate that they are caring a child that is their child. As they come to realize that this is their child they also realize that the biological father does not have the same feelings for their child. They realize that the father is not nor has intention to share in the love the child - so they decide to be a single parent - not wanting to give their child away or marry a father that really does not care for the child.

The Traveler

[JudoMinja]

Beefche's post describes my situation perfectly. I let emotions and hormones lead the way and failed to exercise caution in a relationship. I am more to blame than any man for my current situation of having to raise a child as a single parent. While I would love to marry and have the "ideal"- I don't blame the single guys. Whether or not they could really use some maturing, it's a big step to expect them to handle parenting right off the bat. It's about much much more than just expecting the guys to put away their toys.

Sure, my ex shares some of the blame with me, but that doesn't mean it needs to be extended to everyone else out there. And it's not like I divorced over a simple lack of maturity. If that were the only problem I'd had with my ex, I would have just dealt with it. I think the process of raising a family helps men to grow and mature, just as having to take on the responsibility of caring for my son on my own has helped me mature. It's a process that is meant to be taken on as a couple, so the two can help and support one another in that growth and maturing. But when put in a situation where one must parent singly, it can be difficult to find someone willing to so suddenly share your burden instead of gradually being introduced to it through the natural process of marriage and then children.

People don't just become responsible without first being entrusted with something over which they must assume responsibility.

[Bensalem]

Originally Posted by Over43

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but since it did come up this afternoon in conference I thought here might be good.

As presented in this afternoon's session, briefly, more women are having children singlely. "Out of wedlock", or whatever phrase we can use.

This last few months I read "Boys Adrift" by Sax. He discusses this topic (women having children out of wedlock). And though we see it as a moral issue, Sax's reseach shows that many women can't find "a man" who they believe is mature enough to either marry or see rasing their child. So, they dcide to have a child and raise him/her as a single parent.

The onus of this dilemna seems to be men (of which gender I am included) to hang up the video game remote, turn off the p-o-r-n (I thought Larry Crowne had a good example of this), take their 20's, 30's and 40's seriously, and be responsible.

I understand this is a brief and not very eloquent post, and this issue does remain a moral issue for many of us, but there seems to be a deeper seeded problem to it than women "just getting pregnant." For many this is a hard and long thought out process.

Women have sex to gain the intimacy they grave; men play intimate to gain the sex they grave. Children are the innocent by-product of this lack of responsibility on both sides.

Men well become more responsible when easy sex is less available.

Women hold the key; just say no!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

[beefche]

Originally Posted by Bensalem

Women hold the key; just say no!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

Ah, yes, make the woman completely responsible for a man's behavior.

[FunkyTown]

Originally Posted by beefche

Ah, yes, make the woman completely responsible for a man's behavior.

Women have the unenviable position of bearing the child. A completely irresponsible guy has fewer repercussions than a completely irresponsible girl. Fair? No, but biology never was.

Both the guy and the girl have to consider whether they're willing to face the consequences or not. The guy can frankly assess the situation and say "Yes. I am willing to be an irresponsible jerk for sex. I will simply disappear if something happens."

The woman has no such luxury as the mistake will follow.

[beefche]

So, if a woman has the responsibility in the relationship, then, please tell, what responsibility does the man have? I fail to see how a man has no responsibility in a relationship.

[FunkyTown]

Originally Posted by beefche

So, if a woman has the responsibility in the relationship, then, please tell, what responsibility does the man have? I fail to see how a man has no responsibility in a relationship.

We're not talking about a moral obligation here, Beefche. Morally, the man is just as responsible as the woman.

In practical terms, however, a completely irresponsible guy faces far fewer repercussions for a child being conceived than a woman.

You're preaching to the choir about the morality of it, Beefche, but the sad truth is that a man can forget about a child's conception 3.5 seconds after he hears about it(Or however long it takes to leave his short term memory). The mother must bear it much longer and the child must bear the consequences forever. Since the child has no say, it is in the woman's best interests to bear sole responsibility herself.

Because the man is not bound by biology to the consequences.