Divorce & Remarriage

[prisonchaplain]

I read another post about when of the General Authorities giving a "hard-hitting" talk on divorce. I listened to a couple of minutes, and caught the gist--yes, divorce is far too easy, and even members have taken a far to cavilier attitude towards it.

What confuses me is that those outside the LDS faith assume that divorce is quite low in your church, and that the attitudes towards it are very conservative. Likewise, in my church, divorce is only permitted in cases where a partner has been unfaithful, or has abandoned the spouse. Even when there has been cheating, divorce is merely permitted, not automatically recommended. For our spiritual leaders, even if the conditions permitting divorce are there, s/he is not allowed to remarry.

Perhaps the difficulty comes when doctrine meets reality--so many of our church families have experienced divorce. The only solution, imperfect as it is, is to love the sinner, and hate the sin.

[Fiannan]

It is an unfortunant psychological reality in the LDS Church that members tend to emphasize what they hear the most -- and think that if leaders tend not to talk about somethig it must not be important. I remember something I read back in the 1980s that I believe students (probably in a particular college institute) were interviewed about what was considered major sins. Not paying tithing came up more than murder -- although maybe the young people weren't thinking much about murder that day.

Point is, for years people in the Church (I believe) have just assumed that marriage is the ideal but leaders have rarely (very rarely) emphasized Christ's hard-hitting teachings on divorce (namely that it is wrong and if you leave your spouse for reasons other than unfaithfulness or abuse -- and remarry -- you are living in a state of adultery). So finally a general authority points this out and I believe it was needed. Maybe now taking a worldly approach on divorce will outrank getting your belly button pierced on members minds.

Of course, one can still get a temple recommend having abandoned spouse and/or children. However, my understanding is that in the afterlife God will be the final judge, not man (church leaders are not in a position to be the perfect judges of what conditions may have existed in a marriage so as long as a member communicates a certain level of worthiness then the burden will ultimately be on the member).

[prisonchaplain]

My sense is that men are more to blame for the failure of marriages than women. We have not been strong husbands, fathers, nor churchmen.

You are right about judgment. However, another frightening truth is, if God is angry about failed marriages, judgment will begin in his household, the church.

[shanstress70]

Forgive me for stating my strong opinion, but I think it's absolutely insane for a church to put restrictions on when someone should get divorced.

Yes, divorce is much too prevalent, but I think if churches want to help that, perhaps they should do premarital counseling to help guide couples as they embark in this total life changing event.

When you deny people a divorce, or shun someone bc of it, you are doing a huge disservice to them in some cases.

No one should have to endure a spouse who treats them badly, cheats on them, is not working or helpful around the house, is abusive to children (in any way), frequently absent by choice, drinks heavily or uses drugs, etc.

I'm all about making marriage last when it's good and mutually desired, but how dare anyone tell another couple they have to stay with a spouse they didn't sign up for!

[BenRaines]

I don't recall anyone saying that any form of abuse is ok and a requirement that you stay in an abusive marriage.



I believe that marriage is for eternity but have two daughters who married unwisely. Both were physically abused by husbands and have divorced them. Divorced for cause, not because their life goals changed or because they fell in love with someone else or because they fell out of love with their husbands.



Too often today we see divorce because of lost interest, finding a better offer, etc. Those reasons are wrong. Work it out.



Ben Raines

[shanstress70]

That is true, Ben. But who's to say, besides the ones in the marriage, whether or not the marriage is salvageable? I agree that people split up too easily. People shouldn't do that, yes. But it should be no one's place to tell them whether or not they can get a divorce... for whatever reason.

An example, it's best for me to not eat at McDonald's (or to take it further, it's best for me not to feed my KID McD's)... no one can dispute that. But no one has the right to tell me not to.

It's all part of that agency thing.

[the_jason]

Nowhere in Elder Oaks' talk did he say couples are forbidden to divorce. He said bishops do not counsel couples to get a divorce, but that doesn't mean they counsel couples to not get a divorce.

Elder Oaks also mentioned that in a few cases divorce is necessary due to neglect, abuse, infidelity, etc. For most couples, though, it's a matter of selfishness. He counseled couples to seek repentance first.

The Church does not say you can't be divorced, but it doesn't encourage it either. We strongly believe that marriage between a man and a woman is a sacred covenant with the Lord, the strongest covenant a person can make. Therefore, we wish to do all that we can to preserve that sanctity, not merely dismiss it on a whim.

[shanstress70]

I'm not specifically talking about the LDS church... acutally, more PC's church since they seem to be quite strict about it.

And let me reiterate that I think way too many divorces occur and I have firsthand knowledge about the effects it has on children involved... my parents were 5 when I was divorced. I got lucky and have a husband who treats me wonderfully, but many women aren't that lucky.

I just don't think it's anyone's business except those involved in the marriage.

[Fiannan]

You know, if someone wants to marry or divorce that is their business. However, it is the business of leaders in all religions to provide the doctrinal for what is right and what is wrong to members. So if someone is Christian they should consider what the Bible says about divorce.

[Maureen]

I just don't think it's anyone's business except those involved in the marriage.[/b]

Eventually it should be the business of any potential future marriage partners.

My friend recently married a man whose been divorced 3 times. To me that should be a red flag when considering marriage to a person whose tried 3 previous times and failed all. Usually means they didn't learn anything and just kept making the same mistakes. And I wouldn't be surprised if one of those mistakes was rushing into marriage in the first place.

M.