Non-RM stigma

[VisionOfLehi]

You know...

It's tough being told, every time that the whole mission thing gets brought up with me, to "Go and do it." or "You won't regret it." or "Even if you can't do the full thing, it'll be worth it."

It's draining, really, to constantly have people telling me this. It's almost as if, the way they say it, that I don't have enough faith to go on a mission.


So then I feel awkward every time it's brought up. "Great... they're going to ask me." "Great, another person I have to say, 'No, I'm not planning one right now,' to."


And I just don't like it. I really believe that those guys who don't go on missions have an unrighteous judgment against them, whether conscious or not.


I shouldn't have to explain to others that those entitled to receive revelation for ME, personally, have counseled me to go to school, instead. Going on a full-time mission has never been excluded in those counsels, but it's been essentially... put on the back burner.


This hasn't been an easy thing for me. The counsel goes against, well, logic, to me. There's a standing commandment from the prophets... Every young and able man should go.

I can only assume I'm not "able," because that's my general feeling.

I've prayed and fasted on it multiple times. I weighed it in my head. "Go and serve, or go to school." To my shock, the answer was not "Go and serve."

That's the first person entitled to receive revelation for me.

But I wasn't satisfied, and didn't trust my own feelings.

So it was for this very purpose that I decided to get my Patriarchal Blessing. I fasted, and prayed, to receive an answer about it.

"Continue your education."

Well, okay. But it still feels odd to me, even though that's a 2nd confirmation.

Third was one of my home teachers. I talked to him, he knew my situation. He was the ward missionary director, or whatever that calling is, when I was investigating. He said to go and get as much schooling done as I can. Even if I graduated first, I'd still have time to go.

Well, 3rd confirmation here, but everyone else seems against me.



Are there any others who experience this?

Do others notice this stigma?

What do you think about having to "explain" to everyone? Saying, "It's none of their business," really isn't a, well, practical standpoint.


Edit:

For those who can't go, and have a situation like mine... Do you think this burden of stigma is a sort of balance for the burden of constant work for the Lord?

Also, do you think it'll get worse as I'm older? Right now the being a recent convert thing sometimes... lessens the judgment, I guess... But as I'm older it'll be "Where did you serve?" instead of "Are you going to serve?"

[prisonchaplain]

From my outsiders perspective, you cannot go on a mission right now. If it's not of faith, and you sense no calling, then it is sin. Besides, if every member is a missionary, than you can certainly let your light shine on your campus.

IMHO, this is probably a church culture problem...one that elevates a program above the callings and directing of the Holy Spirit, because the program (2 year church missionary) is easily explained, visual (uniformed), and traditional.

Don't give in to peer pressure, obey what you know God is saying.

[miztrniceguy]

go to school...you've received you counsel from the lord, ward mission leader, and HT. now follow it

[tammyi]

sometimes people don't think about it. When they ask you questions .. I wish they would.
But go to school and wait on the Lord he will tell you what to do next.
Good luck

[Jenamarie]

I agree with Prisonchaplain, that you're running into a "culture problem" here. You're in Utah right? I would dare say that where you are now is where you will experience this the worst, at least from my experience (having friends in my home state of CA who didn't serve, and friends in UT who didn't serve, the ones in CA hardly ever got asked if they were planning to serve, and weren't asked to explain when they said they weren't).

YOU know where you stand in the eyes of the Lord, cling to that, and eventually you'll be able to find true friends who won't use something like this to judge you.

[Misshalfway]

I think it is hard for people to think outside the box on this issue because our leaders have taught that every able and worthy young man should serve. I think a situation like yours is rare and won't be something that people think about readily. I think they look at you and see your strengths and wonder "why not".

In the end, I don't think it is ignorance. I mean how could people possibly know your circumstances. And we all make general assumptions. It is human nature. I think it all comes from a place of loving the idea of an RM and they want that for you too. That ideal image may be a stumbling block for us as LDS, in this area and others too. And perhaps we need to think about things out of the box sometimes.

I used to get comments like this all the time about not being married before I was 25. I don't know how many people patted me on the knee and unsolicited said, "he will come, dear" or "what is wrong with you" or " I have found your perfect husband!" It was annoying and some people were really unsensitive, but in the end, I think it was all because they wanted something good for me.

So, perhaps the trick is to stand strong in your convictions and choices and not to become defensive or self conscious in any way. You can greet such comments or attitudes with patience and try to see any good intention that might be behind it. You don't have to justify yourself or explain. At the end of the day, it is not their business and you have no obligation to enlighten them. Perhaps you could say, "what an interesting perspective. Have you ever thought about it differently?" Or maybe just find some private humor and forgive the person their fumbling. No sense wrecking your own peace over such things.

We are always safe when following the guidance of the Holy Spirit -- even if it doesn't follow convention. Correction: ESPECIALLY when it doesn't follow convention. J Smith knew all about that one!

[Misshalfway]

Originally Posted by Jenamarie

I agree with Prisonchaplain, that you're running into a "culture problem" here. You're in Utah right? I would dare say that where you are now is where you will experience this the worst, at least from my experience (having friends in my home state of CA who didn't serve, and friends in UT who didn't serve, the ones in CA hardly ever got asked if they were planning to serve, and weren't asked to explain when they said they weren't).

YOU know where you stand in the eyes of the Lord, cling to that, and eventually you'll be able to find true friends who won't use something like this to judge you.

BTW. Not everybody in Utah thinks this way.

[Honor]

There will always be something like this in life. There is always going to be a general "expectation" for what people should be doing at a particular time in their lives, and it's not entirely specific to members of the LDS church. There are just things that are generally assumed because they are part of our basic beliefs (like the view of missions, marriage and having families) yet there's more room for personal circumstances than we usually acknowledge.
Like Misshalfway, I've felt the pressures of a certain expectation with things like serving a mission, getting married, having children. I had people ask me a month after my son was born when we were having another. My best friend is expecting her 4th child and her oldest is 4 years old. She feels like people look at her and judge her for being a "typical Mormon" who is out to have a million kids before she's 30. But at the same time, I feel a bit of pressure to be more like SHE is. We've been married for the same amount of time and I'm somehow not keeping up with my covenant to multiply and replenish the earth because we only have one child, and I'm sure the pressure is SO much greater for those who don't have any! We naturally have the tendency to believe we'd be happier in someone else’s shoes.
However, when I'm speaking with someone else, it's very hard to understand exactly how it would feel to hear or how a question or comment might be received. I find myself not saying anything at all for fear that something I say might be taken the wrong way.
It's just always going to be hard to understand a situation when you haven't experienced it yourself and even then, no two people have identical lives. I guess that's where charity comes back into this. We all need to be a little more sensitive to the feelings of our brothers and sisters around us while being more forgiving or quick to assume that someone didn't mean to hurt or embarrass with comments made to us.

[Canuck Mormon]

When I was dating, this was a huge obstacle. There seemed to be a stigma against men who never went on a mission. As soon as some women found out I was not an RM they had no interest in me. Lucky for me, I found a woman who doesn't care about my past, she cares about what I am up to now.

Good Luck VoL.

[Moksha]

Ya gotta march to the beat of your own drum. God still loves you and so will some lucky girl.

If you don't want to hear all that "go on a mission talk" then tell them to knock it off.