Feel Feeling guilty wanting a divorce (never was in love)

[anatess]

Originally Posted by slamjet

If my ex, and others like her are any kind of example, your Father in Heaven will look out for you because it seems like he loves mothers more.

No He doesn't. He loves fathers just as much - they're just too stubborn to notice.

[FunkyTown]

Originally Posted by rochphoto

I don't agree. I was married, in love, very happy. I just married a non member and was too worried that he would never join the church. A part of me wishes I never ended that marriage. I was happy and in love for a year. I know what it is like. I don't have it at all. I can't develope it. I don't understand how anyone can be happy in a arranged marriage. Plus how can I trust him he slept with a chick and spent 40,000.00 on pornography and strip clubs. That should be enough for a divorce.

Interesting how the story continues to change and evolve.

You say you don't want to stay with him because you don't love him. Then you say he slept around. Then you say he spent $40, 000.00 on Pornography.

You also say you used to be married to a non-member. Then, you divorced that non-member.

This is going to sound harsh because it is, but it's something to consider:


Have you considered that the one common thread in all your failed relationships is you?

You divorced your old husband.

You slept with, then married your new husband. You now want to abandon your new husband.

Maybe you need to change your way of thinking rather than everyone elses.

[rochphoto]

This is my second marriage. My first marriage was to a non member it lasted for a year. I ended it due to he was a non member. We had no kids. I am sorry I just fixed it. I am really greatful for everyones insight. It is hard to hear but I see the trueth in it. I can't thank you enough for your time and comments. Thank you, Rochelle

[rochphoto]

The story doesn't change. I left stuff out then let you in on some major events. I was just trying to let you see where I am coming from. So in my first marriage; I was happy and married I should have just accepted he would never join the church. I made a mistake in not waiting to see if he would join before we got married. I thought getting married to him would show commitment and then he would be interested in my church.

Yes, I have looked all my past relationships. I do notice it is me with the problem in all of them. I have a hard time forgiving me for all my mistakes. I know that is wrong. I just hate that I knew not to do something and I did it anyway. This one is a hard one to let go. I don't know if I can. I have tried for the past 9 years.

[MsMagnolia]

Accepting the consequences of our actions hurts sometimes. It is part of the repentance process to feel sorow for the sins we have commited.. not sorrow that we got caught... sorrow that we offended our Father in Heaven. Another step in the repentance proccess is to make restitution for our sins and then forgive ourselves after our Heavenly Father has forgiven us.
Dear sister, you have received some wonderful advice about going to your father in prayer. Only Heavenly Father knows the entire situation and yours and your husband's hearts. I can only add one thing. If you and your husband are not currently attending the temple together or have current temple reccomends... get them. Use them. go together and plead with your Father in Heaven inside those sacred walls. The cleansing process that occurs as we prepare to attend the temple worthily is heart changing.
Just my thoughts,
Mags

[Dove]

Hey Rochphoto,
While I agree with a lot that is being said here, I do feel for you and your predicament....
I married a wonderful man who I wasn't "in love" with, but whom I love dearly and who loves me with all his heart. It truly is a marriage of grace and sweet, true love.
If the man you are married to now truly still repulses you, who are we to tell you not to end it? If you really feel you cannot give him your fidelity and commitment, that is being unfair to him, and to yourself.
It sounds like he has some serious problems with pornography and immorality. If this is still things he indulges in, this gives you a good reason to reconsider your marriage to him. Is he kind to you? Why does he repulse you so deeply? It sounds like you may have some good causes to feel this way.
Maybe you aren't presenting the whole picture to us as to why you dislike him so deeply. Maybe there are valid reasons for you to feel this way.

[rochphoto]

Originally Posted by MsMagnolia

If you and your husband are not currently attending the temple together or have current temple reccomends... get them. Use them. go together and plead with your Father in Heaven inside those sacred walls. The cleansing process that occurs as we prepare to attend the temple worthily is heart changing.
Just my thoughts,
Mags

He slept with a chick while married with me. He is not Temple worthy. I am; have been going by my self ever since he did that to me. Why is it fair for me to stay with a guy who did this to me just because I don't care about him and I was able to forgive him in 24 hours? How can I trust him? He still has a porn probblem I think it will only lead to cheating on me again.

[rochphoto]

Originally Posted by Dove

Hey Rochphoto,
While I agree with a lot that is being said here, I do feel for you and your predicament....
I married a wonderful man who I wasn't "in love" with, but whom I love dearly and who loves me with all his heart. It truly is a marriage of grace and sweet, true love.
If the man you are married to now truly still repulses you, who are we to tell you not to end it? If you really feel you cannot give him your fidelity and commitment, that is being unfair to him, and to yourself.
It sounds like he has some serious problems with pornography and immorality. If this is still things he indulges in, this gives you a good reason to reconsider your marriage to him. Is he kind to you? Why does he repulse you so deeply? It sounds like you may have some good causes to feel this way.
Maybe you aren't presenting the whole picture to us as to why you dislike him so deeply. Maybe there are valid reasons for you to feel this way.

I never fell in love with him. I care for him as a brother and that's it. Yes he has a huge problem, He got help and says he is fine but I have caught him with a fredricks of hollywood mag. no they are not nude and it isn't porn but I know he looks at it and finishes himself cause there proof of that. I just don't love him. I don't dislike him; I don't understand how he could use his kids names as passwords to porn sites, how he went to strip clubs, and how he could sleep with a chick on his baby girls first birthday and at the time I was begging him to try to make our marriage work. All this because I was unahappy after we were married due to I didn't want to marry him. Something is wrong with me for wanting to break our covedent. I never loved him, now I can never trust him, and I am supose to try to see the possitive in him. He has only stop being verbally abusive with me for 1 month. Just because of the kids sake. I have prayed about it for a while now I feel good about divorce but the bishop has been so kind to me and didn't mean to but has made me feel I am not doing what I should be doing. so feeling confused I just posted this question. You guys have helped me. I want to pray about it some more.

[slamjet]

Originally Posted by rochphoto

He slept with a chick while married with me. He is not Temple worthy. I am; have been going by my self ever since he did that to me. Why is it fair for me to stay with a guy who did this to me just because I don't care about him and I was able to forgive him in 24 hours? How can I trust him? He still has a porn probblem I think it will only lead to cheating on me again.

What might be the best thing for him is for you to leave with the kids. Most men, especially addicted ones only know one thing - tough love. Sexually addicted men are master manipulators. You cannot fix him. He needs to fix himself. Your responsibility is to you and your children if he doesn't shape up. In the law there's a legal concept used for when spouses are put before the children, it's "failure to protect" and if he gets into legal trouble, you will be dragged into it right along with him.

Another think to worry about is if he's bringing home communicable diseases. You need to protect yourself. When it comes to any kind of addiction, you're dealing with real world dirt, at it is ugly. You need to start worrying about this. If he's done it before and not making any serious effort to stop (counseling, SA group, ARP group, meeting with the Bishop) then you need to leave with your children.

Pornography is the most insidious evil to pervade the home. It will give a person permission to do anything, and I really mean it when I say anything. You need to ask him to sit down together with the Bishop, and then him alone. If he feels no need to do that, then you need to shift your focus and separate. If he still playing games, end it. It now becomes not your issue but his alone. Your issue and job will be to take care of yourself and take care of and protect your children. Even if that means supervising any visits between father and children.

And I seriously doubt you forgave him after 24 hours. More likely, you dismissed it and set it aside. In the therapy world, it's called "denial." You need to have your Bishop refer you to Family Services to get counseling. If you're area has it, find an LDS Addiction Recovery Group that has a pornography arm to it. If they do, they should have a group for spouses and loved ones who are dealing with this issue.

You need to evaluate your situation, but please do it prayerfully and with the help and support of your Bishop and Relief Society President. You have a long, hard road ahead of you. But if you stay close to the Church and the Lord, you will be more than OK. It may not seem like it, but the Lord does love you and know you personally. After a time, you will see his hand in all the moments and decisions you will be making. He is much more involved in our lives than we think. Go ahead and talk to him, yell at him, tear into him. He want's to hear it, he want's to help. Of that I can guarantee.

[anatess]

Guys...

If your wife is repulsed when you kiss her, wouldn't Fredericks start to look really appealing? Even another chick?

I don't know. This thing is just too crazy. I think any advice given outside of "love God with all your heart mind and strength" is going to be misguided ones.