Feel Feeling guilty wanting a divorce (never was in love)

[rochphoto]

Hi,

I need some other perspectives. I have been going through counceling for 19 months. Talked with my family and the bishop. I just feel guilty and confused.

My problem is I let my low self esteme and guilt for letting this guy go all the way with me into getting married with him. When he perposed to me I was screaming inside"NO!", But I did it anyway. It is a temple marriage. I thought having kids I would grow to be in love with him. But it just made it worse. My stomach has hurt for the past 9 years. I feel I wasted my life. I prayed and feel good about going through a divorce. I told all this to my Bishop and he made me feel guilty for tring to brack up a temple marriage. I feel dead inside. I want to be able to look at my spouse and be inlove. I have been in love before but he wasn't a member so I didn't let it go very far. I'm I wrong to want to be in love with your spouse. I feel everyone doesn't believe me that I was never in love. But it is sad and true.

I have a strong testamony of the church and that adds to my guilt for ending the marriage. Why can't I have love in a marriage?

Love to know anyone's thought's on this.

Thanks,

Rochelle

[anatess]

Rochelle,

Just something to think about:
Maybe you just need a redefinition of LOVE.

I've been married 13 years and I can tell you straight up - at least 5 of those years, I was ready to strangle my husband. My husband will tell you the exact same thing - he was ready to strangle me too.

Love is not just a feeling, Rochelle. It is a DECISION. When you decided to have sex with him, you must have felt something there to go that far. Therefore, unless you were forced into having sex, you made a decision to love him at that moment. When you had your child, you made a decision to love your child. It doesn't just happen automagically because you are the mother.

It is the same with my husband. When we got married - I DECIDED to love him. Not just then, but until forever. That's why even if he, for some reason, grows 3 legs and a horn, I would still love him. Because, I made that decision. The only way I can un-love him - is if I DECIDED I don't love him anymore.

So, why would I decide that I don't love him anymore? The main reason would be - to have an opportunity to love somebody else. Well, the thing is - there are tons of guys out there better than my husband in some ways. But, would my marriage to them be any BETTER? Nope. Because, the grass is not greener on the other side. It is only greener in the side I water.

So what is LOVE?

Giddy, giggly, knees turn to jelly - is this love?
Enjoying the same movies, enjoying the same activities - is this love?
Romantic moments, talking for hours on end - is this love?
Having great sex - is this love?

Dying on the cross. That is love.

Hope this helps somehow. Good luck.

[rameumptom]

I agree with Anatess. Do not confuse romantic puppy love that you read about in bodice rippers with true love.

Love is a decision and a commitment. Love is a covenant. It is to look at your spouse and decision to marry with all their flaws, and say definitively that you made the right choice. Your stomach hurts because you are allowing Satan to drive a wedge in your covenant.

Unless your husband is abusive or truly is neglecting you in a severe way, then you have no Godly reason to leave him. And this becomes even more true if you have children.

I suggest you read the book, "Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. He teaches how we can use our brain power to rewire our brains into a more positive attitude, and to teach ourselves joy and love through that effort.

There is no guarantee that you will find romantic love in another relationship. And if you do, there is no guarantee that it will last. Reality shows that once divorced, your odds of being divorced again and again, greatly increase. Why? Because you teach yourself that it is okay to flit around from relationship to relationship, looking for a fairy tale.

The reality is, marriage is hard. It takes true commitment to marriage to make it work. It sounds like you have spent years in this relationship only half-heartedly there. How unfair to your husband! You covenanted with him and God to give your all to this marriage, and then you waste years pining for another relationship? Why not spend that kind of energy in changing your attitude and fixing this relationship instead?

Again, unless he is an ogre, you have no right to break the covenant. And you will have no guarantee that you'll find "true love". Why? Because true love means sticking with your spouse and covenant through thick and thin. It means dealing with the tough times, as well as the good. It means fixing yourself, not your spouse.

I hope you really think long and hard concerning these things. Covenants are extremely important things, and should not be broken lightly. And love is a very important thing that should not be confused with Hollywood fairy tales. Christ showed true love to everyone, even those who crucified him (Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do). Do we have such love for our spouses? If not, then perhaps the problem lies within us and our false ideals, rather than with our spouse or the covenant.

[Bini]

Did I read this right: You were NEVER in love?


Are you saying you merely "went along" with the motions of marriage and having children but never loved your spouse? If that is the case, you've put yourself in a situation that is going to be very hard to resolve. But I can tell you this much, it's possible to learn to love. Even if you genuinely don't or never have loved your husband, you can learn to love him now. Like already mentioned, if the marriage is not abusive, you have plenty of reason to make this work.


Best of luck.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by rochphoto

I thought having kids I would grow to be in love with him.
...
I feel I wasted my life.

Wait - are you saying that you have kids? And that in having a family and in serving their needs, you've somehow 'wasted your life'?

If there are kids involved, it's not about how good you feel about being married. It's about meeting the needs of the lives you've chosen to create. You accepted the duty of caring for them until they're up and out - you don't get to ditch that duty just because you're not feeling in love with your husband.

Kids from split homes have higher chances of committing crimes, getting pregnant out of wedlock, and living in poverty. You will train them how to act in a marriage, by how you choose to deal with your current situation. Do you want them getting divorced when they're not happy, or do you want them sticking it out and making things work?

Choose wisely.

[rochphoto]

Thanks for all your responses. It helps. I will look at the resources you gave. Thanks!

To clearify, I was weak I thought no one I would love would love me back in that same way. I was scared to be alone my whole life. This guy came we talked for 20 min. Then he stared to kiss me and it went to far. I didn't like him I felt guilty I let him go to far with me. I didn't want to marry him but did it out of lonlyness and guilt. I have never felt anything for him. I hate to kiss and everything else with him. I have to think of old boy friends I had loved in my past in order to kiss him. I feel guilty for that. I had kids in thinking it would develope love. But it made things worse. I have been going to a conslor for 19 months. He doesn't believe me that I never loved this guy. But it is true. I spent 9 years trying to love him. I can't. I think it either is there or it is not. I see other couples in love and you can tell they love each other. I just want that I want to look in the eyes of my husband and know we love each other. Having our awkward moments or our favorite moments together. I am mad at myself for giving up and settleing.

[rochphoto]

I am not saying serving my kids needs is a wast of my time. I wasted my life and time with someone I never had a emotional connection. I let my low self worth decide to just let a guy do what ever, that it didn't matter.

The effects of being married to someone you never had any feelings for have left me mean and grumpy. I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy. I don't see any other way. I can not see how you can force emotional connection between any two people. I am not asking for a crazy head over heals love. I am just wanting a feeling that I really enjoy this persons company. I am sick of taking out my frustration out on my kids and husband. I know no one is perfect. If I knew one moment with this guy I was inlove with him then I could make it work. I know I never loved this guy. I feel I was forced into marriage. I didn't have a say in this relationship.

[Bini]

Originally Posted by rochphoto

I am not saying serving my kids needs is a wast of my time. I wasted my life and time with someone I never had a emotional connection. I let my low self worth decide to just let a guy do what ever, that it didn't matter.

The effects of being married to someone you never had any feelings for have left me mean and grumpy. I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy. I don't see any other way. I can not see how you can force emotional connection between any two people. I am not asking for a crazy head over heals love. I am just wanting a feeling that I really enjoy this persons company. I am sick of taking out my frustration out on my kids and husband. I know no one is perfect. If I knew one moment with this guy I was inlove with him then I could make it work. I know I never loved this guy. I feel I was forced into marriage. I didn't have a say in this relationship.

How were you forced into marriage? Low self-esteem may make one feel they deserve less or nothing at all but we have the power to choose otherwise. Unless a gun was put to your head (or some other forcible scenario), you had a choice and you said "I do". It's clear you regret your decision to marry but to say you were "forced" into it is a cop-out. Own your consequences.


You CAN learn to love—anybody. If we can learn to love our enemies, we can certainly learn to love our spouse, regardless of how impossible that may seem. You mentioned that you have gone to counseling for 19 months? Is this something your husband can participate in as well? Perhaps couple counseling is more productive than individual counseling?


Just some thoughts.

[prisonchaplain]

The consensus here is that you should gut it out and will-power your love for this man you have kids and history with. Yet, you have zero feelings for him. If pushed, you might even say your are repulsed. You may fear that chemically, biologically, you just do not have it within you to love him.

First, perhaps there is some repenting to do here. You felt guilty for going too far. Maybe you still do. So, repent. And if you have done that, believe that God has forgiven you. This is faith. Faith without works may be dead, but works without faith is arrogance--a denial of the atonement. So truly believe that God loves you and forgives you.

And then...back to this guy you say you do not have physical attraction to. Your love is not sufficient? Then ask for it. "Heavenly Father, you are love. Fill me with love for this man. I pledged myself to him in your name. Now, in your name, empower me to fulfill the promise. Help me to give myself to him in the way I promised to."

Find some trusted friends in the Lord to pray with you. Perhaps you'll not tell them specifically what for...just say you need more love. Hope this helps.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by rochphoto

I know it would be better for my kids if I wasn't mean and grumpy.

So, that's all fine and good, but tell us - how many happy and giggly divorced parents do you know?

Are you under the impression that getting a divorce means you are no longer in a relationship with a former spouse? When there are kids involved, the ex-spouses continue to have a relationship (often a court mandated one) about visitation and whatnot. There's still all the work of raising the kids to do, except now everyone hates each other and your kids are hanging out with the wrong crowd because home life sucks.

Doesn't really sound like the best choice for someone who is tired of being mean and grumpy.