Should I get involved with a recovered porn addict?

[what_to_do]

So, I am a college student and recently met a guy that I have great chemistry with. We had some great conversations and were excited to start dating. Then he told me that he has been struggling with a porn addiction for about 12ish years. He was exposed at a very young age and has been dealing with it since then. He served a mission, but had some problems after his mission. He has been clean for just over a year. I am feeling very conflicted about whether I should get involved with someone who has had that problem, especially for so long. He is clean right now and is in a good place and is temple worthy and everything, but I worry that that addiction was so much a part of his life for so long that he doesn't even realize how it would affect a marriage and he has only been clean for a little while. He seems very vulnerable to me. It seems like a big risk to become attached and involved.
But then part of me is like, this is a huge problem in the church. How many guys have I dated that had this problem and didn't bother to tell me? What are the odds that I would end up with someone who doesn't have this problem?
I did research on the subject and the general authorities don't give any advice on what girls should do when a worthy young man with a history of pornography wants to date them, so I'm trying to figure this out for myself. I am all about giving people a chance, but I see a lot of potential between me and him and i worry that if I got involved then I could end up in an unhappy marriage. I would love to talk to an LDS marriage counselor about this, but that would be kind of silly for me to pay for that at this point, so if any LDS marriage counselors that deal with pornography addictions run across this, I would LOVE some input from you.
Can pornography every really be overcome in the long run? Can a marriage be happy forever when someone has struggled with this so much? How would someone who has had these problems react to an intimate relationship? Can you even have a healthy sexual relationship with someone who has been so exposed for so long? These are my concerns. They probably aren't appropriate to talk about in such a public setting, but if someone who has some authority about this would give me some advice, that would be great.

[AGStacker]

I would say yes someone can overcome in the long run. I say yes a marriage can be happy forever. The intimate relationship may help him with his past addiction. Yes you can have a healthy sexual relationship. The fact remains that it is so hard for man and woman to hide themselves from such evils. For parents out there, please don't ever put a computer with internet access in your children's rooms. I can't believe parents do this. Talk about letting Satan into your home.

[Vort]

Do as the Spirit guides you. I would make two observations:

1. In today's society, it is exceedingly unlikely that you will ever find a young man who was not exposed to pornography at some point in his youth. It is just too pervasive; even a generation ago in the pre-internet era, pornography was ubiquitous and exposure to it almost unavoidable, practically a "rite of passage" for young men. In today's internet era, this is magnified ten thousand fold.
   
   
2. Boys and young men exposed to pornography who do not show any interest in it are of two types:
   1. They are too spiritually strong and wise, even at a young and tender age, to be beguiled by the false promises of pornography.
   2. They don't have much interest in naked women.

I will leave it to you to determine which of these two types is the more common in that second group, and whether you would prefer to date and marry someone who has not always controlled his drives and desires as he ought or someone who simply doesn't have those drives and desires.

Having said that, there is a difference between someone who has viewed and perhaps even sought out pornography on some occasion and someone who has become a bona fide pornography user. Talking about "pornography addiction" has become de rigueur, and indeed there are men (and doubtless teens) who actually have a psychological porn addiction of some sort. I would guess that the majority of "casual users" of pornography are no more "addicted" to it than the majority of casual pot smokers are "addicted" to marijuana.

Look. Men like naked women. This in itself is not a bad thing; on the contrary, it's a very good thing for the propagation of the human race and the marriage relationship in general -- which is exactly why pornography is such a bad thing. I don't know your boyfriend and cannot possibly give you guidance about whether you should or should not pursue a relationship with him. I have no idea of the true nature of his "pornography addiction". If my daughter asked me about dating a young man with a supposed "pornography addiction", my advice to her would be to drop him like a hot potato and seek greener pastures. But the mere fact that this young man found that he got a thrill from seeing pictures of naked women and debased himself by searching out such pictures at some point does not immediately disqualify him from consideration as a celestial partner. If so, there would be few men indeed who would qualify, half of whom would be gay and most of the rest simply uninterested in sex.

But for the record: I am no expert, just some random guy on the interwebs.

[Windseeker]

I also was exposed at a very young age and have struggled with it my whole life. Just now it seems like I have gained the upper hand but it's been a long difficult trying struggle. I also served a mission and stuggled with it there. I have two daughters myself and I think the best thing you can do is seek direction from you heavenly father.

Two things that are apparent to me about your friend.

1. He's a fighter
2. He cares about you enough to share this with you so you can make an informed decision
3. He's honest

My former Bishop (also my Dad) told me that as long as I continued to fight that I would eventually overcome it (or outgrow it). Now in my early 40's I see that is true. But it's been a battle. I never allowed it to lead to worse behavior. Prior to being married my work put me in a position to travel the world and on more than one occasion I've had to literally push girls out of my hotel room. Only to struggle all night trying to control my thoughts of what I could have done. I've recognized that if you don't fight this eventually it will win and there is no promise of it going away. I've witnessed myself a former leader in our stake at a very old age going into the porn section of a video store my brother worked at. It was a testiment to me that I must fight it. My Dad was right it does mellow with age, but I feel if I don't take advantage of this then it will follow me till my old age. I don't want to lose the respect of my daughters or grandchildren by allowing myself to continue it out of habit when the temptation seems to have been lifted it seems.

Even though I always kept this weakness within strict bounds (if that makes any sense) it did have an affect on my first marriage. It takes an incredible amount of patience, understanding and internal strength to be married to someone who has this problem. My first wife ended up breaking our marriage covenants not once but multiple times and different men. I forgave her everytime though it was very hard, but eventually she just wanted out and left me and the kids. I'm married again (temple) and am now raising my kids. My wife understands and it has given me the confidence and strength I need to put it aside.

Maybe this might mean something to you. I agree with Vort's advice. I agree it's pervasive but not everyone struggles with it. My older brother never struggled with this even though he had the same exposure I did around the same age. He has a very healthy and vigorous sexual relationship with his wife.

[skippy740]

Let's start with the GOOD news:

Originally Posted by what_to_do

1. Then he told me that he has been struggling with a porn addiction for about 12ish years.
2. He served a mission, but had some problems after his mission.
3. He has been clean for just over a year.
4. He is clean right now and is in a good place and is temple worthy

Pornography encompasses other negative traits like lying and being deceiptful. But he already told you. This is a GOOD thing! Especially since you're not yet married and not yet even engaged! Do you not see that he is trying to open up to you and build a stronger bond of TRUST???

If he didn't like you enough to consider you for marriage, he wouldn't have told you.

If he didn't honor his covenants enough today, he wouldn't have told you.

What part of this seems vulnerable? It takes strength to admit a weakness to yourself and the Lord. It takes strength to admit and discuss this with a woman you are dating. It is foolish to think that strength = 'false pride in your own strength & spirituality'.

He has obviously overcome this enough to be temple worthy and hold a current temple recommend!

Now, I'm not saying that "he's cured". Once an addict, ALWAYS an addict. As long as he keeps himself 'in check' with this mindset, then he will always need some support measures in place for himself.

A recovering alcoholic should never have any alcohol in the house - even if it's 'just for cooking'. A recovering addict of any type should have certain things in place in their lives to help him keep clean.

But, if you're going to be involved with this man (or any other) who has had previous issues, and they tell you, you need to be accepting of that information! He is trying to build trust with you.

Yes, you need to decide if you want to be with him. But he is showing honorable traits, and that should be rewarded for exactly what it is: an honorable man who knows himself, showing that he is honoring you by trusting you with his vulnerable soul filled with past mistakes.

I would personally recommend that you download the audio tracks from this link. I think you would find it helpful for your relationship with this man or anyone else.

A Better Mormon - Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

[Windseeker]

One thing to keep in mind is whatever you do, make sure you are considering marriage with him for the right reasons. Don't marry him because you feel sorry for him or think you can save him, because you can't.

If he stumbles again it's all him and has nothing to do with you. The fact he's been good for year is a good sign if it's true. Doesn't look like he's stupid enough to convince himself that marriage is the cure for what ales him and don't you believe it either.

Cheers

[garryw]

I had 2 FT missionaries living in my house during a 1.5 year period. I found one of them had been involved with this on MY computer. It was about the same time he got transferred. I told my girlfriend about it (we are now married) and she really wanted me to turn him in to the mission pres. When she was young her dad got messed up with it, and her parents divorced.

I'm sure her advice would be heck no. I've been married twice and I would say there are red flags to avoid period. Repentance is great and true. But dont bet the rest of your life on a proven addict. You have better options. Don't you?

[JudoMinja]

Heres some advice from someone who is a porn addict- He will always be an addict. This will always be something he struggles with. As long as he gives himself good limits, has someone he can talk to openly about it, and knows how to keep himself in good places, he may never look at porn again. But he will always struggle with the desire. When things get hard, that desire is going to crop up and he's going to have to work extra hard to avoid it.

The fact that he has been "sober" for over a year is a great sign! It means he is strong and has been able to "control" this addiction on his own. But you can't go into this relationship expecting him to be "cured". There will be periods of time where avoiding the porn is very easy, and there will be other times where it is very difficult. The core of the problem is a chemical imbalance. With ANY addiction, the user gets a high. When things start getting out of whack, the chemical desire for that high gets stronger and harder to resist. I have been clean for over a year myself, but it hasn't been easy.

You have to decide if you think you are capable of battling this addiciton with him, because there will always be the looming possibility of relapse. He will have to be proactive when he hits his "hard" times and make his rules and limitations tighter. He will need you to be someone he can be open and honest with- someone he can trust to understand him when he is struggling, and if he does have a relapse, to be there for him. Addicts (to anything) that are able to "recover" are usually those who have very strong support networks. You will need to be able to be that support network. If you can do that, I'd say a relationship with him is okay. He's been able to get himself in a good place, which means he is a fighter and already has the upper-hand on his addiction. So, if you are going to continue pursuing a relationship, you have to think about whether you will be able to be his support.

[Jennarator]

I know many successful marriges when the guy once had a porn issue. The fact that he is upfront is good. Sometimes these things can sneak back into the marraige, ask yourself if you can handle it. If you decide to go forward with the realationship, be supportive. If he slips up, don't be mad, feel for him and help him get thru it. Remember there is a big difference between a slip up and a relaps. If he feels he can be very honest with you, he can tell you when he slips up and you can help him to make sure it doesn't turn into a relaps.
It's your choice. He repented, that makes him clean before God. But that doesn't mean every woman can handle it. Just know that everyone has problems to overcome.

[Gwen]

i agree with those that say he is showing who he really is by telling you instead of keeping it a secret. if you decide to move forward you may want to consider pre-marriage counseling. one you will learn to deal with things and hopefully feel more confident about your place in the relationship. two you will learn how he reacts in a counseling setting or if he's even open to it, if problems later did arrise you would know you could ask for help and he would be an active participant. if he refused pre-marriage counseling i would consider that a deal breaker.

even if you never need counseling because of a relaps on his part you may need it to deal with the knowledge that he looked at porn for so long. if you have never exposed yourself to such things then you are not equally yolked sexually and that can cause issues. i'm not suggesting you go look at porn, but that it's something you may have an emotional reaction to later that you can't predict now. just go look at the numerous threads on this site trying to figure out how to forgive and deal with the idea that one has been sexually active in the past and the other wasn't.