Physical Attraction for my Wife Lost-I want it back

This post is a bit graphic and very embarassing for me as it deals with a male problem, sorry in advance if you are offended.

My wife and I have been married 12 years. I'm 36, my wife if 37. Over the past 5 years we really let ourselves go and have both become VERY overweight. A couple of months ago I realized I was heading for some major medical problems if I didn't change. I started making changes and have lost over half the weight I need to lose and and going to keep going. My wife is worst off than me, I challenged her to loose weight and she is striving to try and do it, though with her thyroid issues, diabetes and having to wear a C-PAP machine at night, I know it will be slow.

Now she and I want to have another child and well, but I find myself unable to get arroused even when we are in the most romantic of settings. I'm going to the doctors to get my self checked but I'm pretty sure my issue is mental. Her face is so beautiful despite her weight and her skin has been the softest and healthest I've ever touched but I find her body unattractive right now.

My wife claims she is doing this all for me, her love for me is truly great, and while I know I am being selfish, she has lost a few pounds and I've noticed she has more energy and is in a better mood all the time. She is also staying in bed longer, she'd always come to bed late at night after reading and get up early due to backaches from sleeping in bed. She thinks it is me who has the problem with my masculinity, I haven't had the courage yet to confront her and tell her I just don't find her body appealing.

I'd never leave her and she'd never leave me, we lost our first child, a daughter, who only lived a few minutes after birth many years ago. That kind of trial, binds a husband and wife more closely together mentally, spiritually and emotionally than anyone who hasn't gone through the same thing can imagine.

Our son was born a year later, and afterwards, we've managed to let our physical love fade and pretty much ruined both our bodies.

My wife wants to have the baby right now, but I'd like her to get healthy first. Should I tell her this and that the real reason I cannot perform right now? She claims it will take her years to do what I've done in months. I don't think this is true, she says she lost 10 pounds in just over a month if she can do that over a year she'd be perfect.

I know I'm being selfish, but I can already see how her loosing weight is affecting her for the better. Even though we cannot go all the way, we've gotten more playful, taken a few risks lately and our kisses have been a lot more passionate. We've started lying in bed just talking again which has brought back so many good memories.

I love this woman and come what may, I'll stick by her to the end no matter what. I just would like the physical love for each other back in our lives again and my performance problem resolved. It has been so long since we made love.

I know I need to tell her how I feel, I just cannot. I've made her cry many times over the past month trying to discuss this and loosing weight. That song where a man sings "I die a little each time when she crys." Is exactly how I feel, and I usually end up backing out when both our tears start falling and trying to learn to live with not telling her the next few days.

I don't know if anyone can help me, I know it isn't my wife who needs to change it is me. I need to love her for who she is, not what I think she should be but I feel trapped right now not finding her as attractive as I should.

Any advise is appreciated, even if you'd like to rebuke me for my attitude, I'll take it, I definatly need the penitance.

[beefche]

As a woman, I can tell you if my husband told me he does not find me physically attractive and specifically, "Her face is so beautiful despite her weight and her skin has been the softest and healthest I've ever touched but I find her body unattractive right now," that would be absolutely devestating to me. I honestly don't know if I could ever get that out of my head, even if he apolgoized and showed me he didn't feel that way any longer.

I don't have any answers for you. I'm glad to see you are looking at a possible medical reason. But, I beg you to think of another way to discuss the issue with her and not mention you don't find her attractive. Women struggle with that feeling of being unattractive and I'm sure she knows that being overweight has an affect on attraction. She doesn't need a stark reminder of that from you.

Good luck.

[Dravin]

Originally Posted by beefche

As a woman, I can tell you if my husband told me he does not find me physically attractive and specifically, "Her face is so beautiful despite her weight and her skin has been the softest and healthest I've ever touched but I find her body unattractive right now," that would be absolutely devestating to me. I honestly don't know if I could ever get that out of my head, even if he apolgoized and showed me he didn't feel that way any longer.

Good luck.

On the flip she really needs a more constructive way to discuss the issue from her perspective (about his not getting an erection) than impugning his masculinity*. Unless of course that's just the OPs rephrasing (in which case I suggest the OP not tie an ability to get erections into masculinity, what happens if indeed it's a physical problem?

* I understand, she's not here so she can't be advised and thus comments will be directed to the OP.

I don't know if anyone can help me, I know it isn't my wife who needs to change it is me. I need to love her for who she is, not what I think she should be but I feel trapped right now not finding her as attractive as I should.

The only thing I can suggest is to focus on what you do find attractive about her, both physically and mentally. You've already said you like her skin and face, focus on those. Nobody (except my wife of course) is 100% unequivocally attractive, everyone has blemishes, flaws, and room for possible improvement. If you focus on the ways someone isn't attractive it'll infect the overall view you have, likewise if you focus on the ways someone is attractive it influences the perception of the whole.

Thank you both for the replies. Very much appreciated. To clarify a few things, yes I cannot seem to get any errection at the right time with her. I still get them throughout the night during sleep and a few other times during the day but never with her. I'm content to let her think it is all me and I am seeking medical help(waiting for the doctor to get back with me) but she keeps talking about how the doctor is going to give me some majic blue pills and everything will be alright. I'm afraid the doctor is going to find nothing wrong, tell me I just got a mental issue and then I'm sunk trying to explain things to my wife.

You have no idea how ashamed and embarassed I am of myself, or how badly I want this problem fixed.

[classylady]

I agree with Beefche, that it would be devastating to have my husband tell me that he doesn't find me attractive any more.

My concern with your issue is that as the years go by, even if your wife loses weight, her looks are going to fade. She will develop wrinkles, her hair will thin, her breasts will sag, she'll develop age spots, etc. etc. I've been married over 30 years now and I'm thankful my husband still thinks of me as beautiful and still finds me just as exciting as when we were first married. It doesn't take much for him to get excited, lol. And most men I know don't need a "model" for a wife in order to get their mojo going. You may need counseling to find out what your issues are.

You are right, that would devistate her, I just want to be realistic, her expectations are quite high. If this problem isn't medical I will look into counseling.

At the same time, I'm looking for advise. I really don't want to hear "bragging" about how wonderful everybody's spouse and love life is. I already feel a measure of jealousy and envy and even a bit of hate when I see happy couples at church and know I'm so screwed up right now. So please try and be sensitive and don't post how good your love life is right now when offering advise.

[Dravin]

A note to anyone inclined to deride the OP for feeling he needs a better model or some such: I think it's pretty clear that he identifies his problem not as his wife being unattractive, but as him not finding his wife attractive.

To whit:

I don't know if anyone can help me, I know it isn't my wife who needs to change it is me. I need to love her for who she is, not what I think she should be but I feel trapped right now not finding her as attractive as I should.

Chastising him because he should find his wife attractive is kinda like scolding an alcoholic who wants to change that he should stay away from booze. What needs to change is already identified and conceded, it's a question of how to change.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by FixingTheWrongs

I'm afraid the doctor is going to find nothing wrong, tell me I just got a mental issue and then I'm sunk trying to explain things to my wife.

Something to understand: Finding a mental issue, and finding something wrong, are the same thing. One thing you ought to do right away - take that word "just" out of your mindset.

Sex happens in the brain as well as the body. You need both elements to be functioning properly. I doubt you could still find a doctor who would brush you off with a "oh, that's just a mental thing".

[classylady]

I apologize if I sounded like my husband and I are the perfect couple. We definitely have our issues, as most couples do, and many of you know some of mine because of some of my earlier posts. If this is not a medical ED problem, then please seek counseling. Both you and your wife deserve to be happy. One of the major causes of divorce are problems in the bedroom department. It sounds like you love your wife and she loves you. I know for me, how I feel about my husband definitely plays a role in how I perform in the bedroom. Perhaps, there are issues going on in your marriage that are effecting your desire for her? I don't know. Talking things out with my husband-- really talking honestly about our issues have helped us.

[garryw]

High BF% will directly impact life expectancy among other things. If you are going to have another baby she needs to be alive to help raise it. So get healthy first. This may be mother nature's way of giving her the hint.