Abusive or Bi-polar boyfriend? - Page 2

Eowyn · #11 (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Do I just drop it and walk away

No. Drop it and run away. If this man was already your husband, my answer might be different, but as things are you've been given a little glimpse of a fraction of what life with this man might be like. Use that information and take a little heartache now instead of a lot of pain later. If he's saying it's "just anxiety", chances are he's not going to work on a solution any time soon and it is not your problem to fix.

shulace76 · #12 (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 07:26 PM

I failed to mention in my original post that he has only dated 1 individual before me, and he married her. I have dated many people and he is insanely jealous of all of them! He claims that one in particular "got the best of me" and all he ever got was "the leftovers". Those words hurt so badly, because I tried so hard to show him he was the only one I was involved with, the only one I wanted to be with, but my efforts just weren't good enough it seemed. I know I deserve to be treated better, and I know I can't "save him" or "heal him". And I'm grateful, in a way, that we never made it to saying "I do", because I don't know if it would have lasted with the issues he "couldn't get over". However, my heart still aches. I'm a very caring, patient, and loving individual. I have dealt with this behavior for longer than I think most women will. I fear for him because I don't think he has ever had a "normal" relationship to base appropriate behavior off of. I fear he will be unsuccessful in love because of this skewed view of how a relationship is supposed to work.

Eowyn · #13 (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 09:14 PM

Not. Your. Problem.

You don't marry someone to save them.

sister_in_faith · #14 (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 09:37 PM

Go talk to your bishop about how you are feeling after all this. At this point you do need to be 'selfish', as another poster said. Emotional abusers generally attack their victim's self esteem. I think that you should talk to someone and make sure you can start the healing process as soon as possible. Move forward from this and don't look back. I hope that you can walk away a stronger person. Good for you for reaching out. Go talk to your bishop!

MorningStar · #15 (**permalink**) 10-13-2011, 10:02 PM

This is the whole point of dating, to figure out if a person is worth marrying. He's going to have to figure out that he needs help and make the decision to get it. Maybe he'll eventually realize that he is the problem in his failed relationships. If you married him and had children together, it would hurt even more to see him treat them that way. Then suppose you divorced. You would still have to deal with him and send the kids to stay with him for the weekend, week, holiday, etc.

Unless Heavenly Father told me otherwise, I would run away from that kind of situation. I watched my best friend go through it and they did stay together, but she is not the happy person she used to be. She walks on eggshells around him and rarely receives any compliments.

ADoyle90815 · #16 (**permalink**) 10-14-2011, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eowyn

Not. Your. Problem.

You don't marry someone to save them.

Yes, this. I ended up marrying someone just like him, as I chose to ignore the signs, and while he didn't become physically abusive, the emotional abuse continued. I thank God that I somehow got out before we had any children that he could abuse, and since there were no children, I was able to cut him completely out of my life. I spent years in therapy before I was ready to be able to get into a relationship again, and now I'm with someone who treats me with respect and who wouldn't think of doing what my ex-husband did.

Wednesday, a woman was murdered by her ex who also killed innocent people in the hair salon where she worked, and it just reminded me of how lucky I was to get out, and I thank the Lord every day for getting me out of that situation. This hit close to home for me as my brother and SIL lived near there when they were first married.

Seal Beach's sense of security is pierced, but not shattered - latimes.com

I suggest you run and don't look back, as something like this would be the worst case scenario.

mrmarklin · #17 (**permalink**) 10-16-2011, 10:00 AM

You are not married.

You owe this person nothing.

What you're seeing now is only a preview of your possible married life together. That is why it's called "dating", to see if you're compatible and a "match". This relationship is not a match. Cut your losses.

ChooseTheSun · #18 (**permalink**) 10-16-2011, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shulace76

He is sweet, loving, caring, kind, considerate, and generally fantastic most of the time, but when he's having an "off" mood he's downright mean, abusive, and hurtful. He has never put his hands on me in anger, but his words hurt as if I've been hit with a whip. He goes from "happy" to "sad" in a matter of hours. Always apologizing for his hurtful behavior, but it continues to happen over and over again.

Abusive and hurtful behaviors are not symptoms of ADHD. However, some medications used in ADHD can trigger or exacerbate agitation (stimulants). He should talk with his psychiatrist about these symptoms. Regardless of the diagnosis, he sounds dangerous.

sbred · #19 (**permalink**) 10-16-2011, 11:04 AM

I am going to agree with Windseeker as well! I am in a relationship that is exactly the same; my husband of 11 years has bipolar as well as ADD (apparently they are linked) and we have 4 children. We are an absolute mess and at this point I am not going to walk away; I have way too much at stake...but you don't have to go through this!! Let him go; as a very important lesson to learn about what to avoid in choosing your future spouse. That is what dating is all about; but I understand that it is not easy! I promise you though, you will fall in love again and hopefully with a person who is healthy and will be a good eternal companion.
This talk is very helpful:
Choosing and Being the Right Spouse - Ensign Sept. 2002 - ensign
Good luck!

shulace76 · #20 (**permalink**) 11-15-2011, 02:40 PM

As an update...We have split up. I have gotten myself into counseling, and am seeing how "tricked" I really was. I am grateful for the wonderful friends and family I have that helped me see that the relationship I had was not "normal". I loved the person I met originally, however that was not the person I ended up with. I hope that he gets the help he needs, and I truly wish him the best. However, I have to do what is best for me, my potential future family, and my own sanity and stress levels!
Thanks for your advice!