Husband in Germany / Strip Club

[zuko725]

About a month ago I posted a thread about how my husband was going to Germany for Annual Training with the reserves. I wasn't happy about it for a couple reasons. 1. was because I was jealous. I'v always wanted to go to Germany (which I've worked through those feelings) and 2. was because he was going with his highly immature and alcoholic best friend. (I despise his friend for a variety of reasons, one being that he's highly disrespectful, views women as "objects" to "sleep" with, is an acloholic and is very inconsiderate of others, not to mention this guy has tried breaking my husband and I up before.) The idea of my husband spedning 3 weeks with this guy in Germany terrifed me. But my husband assured me I had nothing to worry about. Since I feel my husband and I have an overall great relationship, I believed him.

Anyways, He left last Saturday and so far the trip seemed to be going just fine. They had to work during the day but in the evening they would have off to be able to go out to eat and stuff, which I thought was wonderful. They will also have the weekend off to explore the country, which I thought would be a great time for him!

Well a couple hours ago my husband was able to have internet access and got on facebook and sent me a message. He told me that his best friend wanted to go to a strip club. He told me he was upset about it because he didn't want to go but felt like he had to because they had to stay in groups and his friend doesn't want to go anywhere else but the strip club. So basically my husband was telling me that he didn't want to go, but felt like he had to.

Which really made me mad. He doesn't HAVE to do anything. I asked him to please don't go and be respectful to me. Then he explained to me that he didn't want to have to tell his friend he can't go. Which makes me feel like he's valuing what his friend wants more than what I want. My husband NEVER goes to strip clubs and has expressed his distate for them more than once so I don't understand why he can't just go hang out with another group of guys who AREN'T going. Why does he have to go do everything he friend does?

Then he got mad at me for being upset with him and said that "he didn't expect me to turn 'christian jealous wife' on him". (He's not a member of the church and we met and married while I was inactive) I really don't how he expected me to react. Was I really supposed to be okay with him going? I sent him a long message explaining my feelings and he never replied. I don't know if he will end up going or not.

But now Im sitting here starting to seriously re evaluate my marriage. I truly believed he would behave himself while he was over there. He truly is a good guy and I didn't think I'd be faced with this kind of thing. I almost feel like him going would be violating my trust. If he goes I really don't know what I'm going to do.

The problem really isn't about him going to a strip club, it's about how I feel he isn't respecting me and like he's putting what his friend wants / thinks above what I want / think. I really don't think I can spend the rest of my life married to someone who apparently cares more about his friend. We have fought about this particular friend numerous times and I'm sick of it. I want this "friend" out of our lives, especially if this is the kind of thing they're going to get into when they hang out.

I really don't know what to do. Even though he's not a member I truly believed he was the right guy for me and now I'm starting to second guess myself. And again I want to stress that this IS NOT about him going to a strip club, it's about the lack of respect I'm getting. The fact that he got mad at me for getting mad was also pretty ridiculous.

Now I have to sit here all weekend wondering what him and his friend are up to, which is crazy. I really trusted him and now I feel like my trust is being broken.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just really in need of advice. If he does go, how do I handle the situation? Like I said before, I really can't see myself being happy with someone who is going to run off and do things like this when I'm not around and disrespect me and my feelings AND put his friend first. Whatever happened to forsaking all others?

[BenRaines]

Peer pressure is a difficult thing. To his credit he was honest enough to tell you he was going. He could have easily not said anything.

From your earlier post and this one I don't think it was a surprise to you that they were going to a strip club. You didn't think that they were going to explore old castles and museums together?

It sounds to me, and I am only a name on a bulletin board, that you and your husband have communication problems.

Sorry for such a difficult time.

Ben Raines

[zuko725]

Well yeah I am kind of surprised that they may go to a strip club. I just figured that they all they were going to do was go out and get drunk a lot or something. But the thing is, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if maybe I did subconsciously expect / know that this was going to happen. Otherwise I wouldn't have been so upset about them going.

This friend of his just has a way of dragging him into bad situations or influencing him to make poor decisions and it drives me crazy.

[RMGuy]

I remember when you posted orginially. It sounds like you are going through a pretty rough patch, but being seperated from a spouse, even for a few short weeks is never easy at least in my experience. I travel from time to time with work and I know it is not easy on my spouse either.

If I may, I was struck with a couple of your comments, specifically:

Originally Posted by zuko725

The problem really isn't about him going to a strip club, it's about how I feel he isn't respecting me and like he's putting what his friend wants / thinks above what I want / think.

One of the first things to being able to successfully navigate this with your spouse is the ability to be honest with each other and with yourself. So ask yourself if your above statement is really true? I get what you are saying, and that is indeed what I think would be the biggest issue, but just make sure it really is for you. Would you have felt the same way if his friend invited him to a bar and you didn't want him to go, but he did? If so, then you have correctly identified the issue. If you would be ok with that situation but not with this one, then perhaps the strip club is a bit further under your skin that you have admitted. What if he agreed to drop the friend, but wants to go the strip club on his own?

Either issue is important or perhaps both are too you, but make sure you are dealing with the real problem....otherwise the two of you might "work it out" but not really, and it will just recur.

It sounds like this event is causing you to rethink the nature of your relationship. That is a pretty serious undertaking. Is he still the same person you married and loved? Have you "progressed" spiritually while he has lagged behind? I will ditto what was said above. If you are looking for a bright spot it is that he told you before the event, and when he did not have to. He could just as easily, perhaps more easily, hid it from you.

You have a number of things to consider, weigh, and ponder. I'm not sure that any of the above has been of any help. At best perhaps it provides a mirror in which you can evaluate your thoughts. For what it is worth, I hope it is helpful. Your friend,
-RM

[JudoMinja]

It would probably be best if your husband did tell his friend that he refused to go, but we don't always make the best decisions, and I know that sometimes we try to mitigate the consequences of others bad decisions, especially when we care about them. No matter how bad this friend is or how much you despise him, your husand cares about him, or he wouldn't be his friend.

Take a moment to think about this situation as if it were happening with a total stranger, and not somebody you know you despise. I'm guessing that your husband is worried about 1 ruining his friendship, 2 his friend going to the strip-club without him and possibly getting into trouble, 3 getting ostrasized by the rest of his unit. These are all very possible and probable consequences should he go ahead and do the obviously right thing of not going. While he should consider his marriage more important than his friendship and consider your feelings over those of his friend, you are not currently making a decision to do something that could get you into trouble.

I'm fairly certian that your husband's "protective/fatherly" instinct is kicking in with his friend, as well as his "social preservation" instinct- trying to conform to the norm so that he doesn't get mistreated by his peers. Your reaction likely also makes him feel like you don't trust him- that if he decided it was in his best interest to go along in order to watch over his friend and remain part of the group, you wouldn't believe that he would remain on his best behavior and not do anything wrong while there.

Before my father was married and he lived in the barracks, he would often go to the bars with the guys in his unit and he was their designated driver. He never drank with them and would tell them it was time to go when they started getting out of hand, so he was effectively protecting them from the worst possible consequences of their choices. Your husband may be trying to do the same thing. My father also told us about situations where he would be singled out by guys in the barracks who would come back drunk and pound on his door to try and get him to come out so they could make him drink- all because he refused to do so. Luckily, he had made a couple good friends in the unit and they defended him.

Try not to see it as a disrespect. He messaged you and told you what was happening, expressed his distaste and his dilemma about his decision. From the sound of it, you tried to order him not to do it and got upset with him for not immediately agreeing with your demand. Of course that would hurt him and make him feel like you'd turn into an adversarial wife instead of a loving and understanding wife. A better expression of trust would have been for you to relate how much you also disagreed with the idea of going to a strip-club, but that whatever your husband decided you hoped he would do so prayerfully and that it would be best, then leave it in his hands.

I can understand your frustration. You brought up your worries about this possibility before it ever happened, and now that he is there it seems like your worries are being realized. But please don't let this become a division between you and your husband. Love him. Trust him. Support him. I am sure he loves you and did not want to disprespect you, or he would not have told you what was going on and sought out your opinion. He would have just gone and never told you.

[zuko725]

RMGuy you bring up good points.

Yes if his friend asked him to go hang out a bar with him and my husband went despite my feelings, I would still be upset. But not AS upset. So yes, the strip club thing in general does bother (I'm not about to pretend that it doesn't) but I feel like the thing bothering me the most is I feel that he'd rather hurt and disrespect me then tell his friend no.

And to windseeker, no, we don't have children.. thank goodness.

[BenRaines]

I have never been able to understand the ability to waste money that a bar or a strip club take. I know people who spend 100-200 dollars in a night in a bar. I imagine that a strip club costs that or more.

I have made very serious money in my life. 200-300K a year but would never waste 200 on drinking or watching in a strip club.

Ben Raines

[zuko725]

Thanks for your post JudoMinja!

I understand what you're saying. I can understand what that he may be going along with the crowd in order to not get made of fun of or anything but I still can't help but be upset with him. I'm also glad he told me about it before hand and after I got mad at him he told me he was sorry he told me and that he was looking for me to make him "feel better" about it, because he was upset that his friend was pushing him into going. Which I AM glad that my husband didn't want to go, I just wish he were better at standing up to his friend and wouldn't be willing to go.

[zuko725]

Ah and that's another thing Ben.. that's OUR money that he's going over there and spending and to be honest, we really can't afford for him to go and spend it on beer and entry fees. I highly highly doubt he'll tip the strippers, but he'd at least have to pay to get in and buy beer, which from what I hear is expensive over there.

[BenRaines]

Do you get an equal amount to spend on whatever you want to? Do something frivolous? That would only be fair.

Ben Raines