Boundaries with members of the opposite sex (when married)

[SoCal_Counselor]

This article was originally posted by me here.

A man was interviewing new drivers for his transportation company. The route was very dangerous and went along several steep cliffs through a mountain pass. The interviewer asked each man how close he could safely drive near the edge of the cliff.

The first man responded, “I could drive within six inches of the edge.”

The second man responded, “I could drive within two inches of the edge.”

The third man responded, “I would stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as I possibly could."

All things considered, the third man got the job. Why? Because the interviewer wasn't interested in learning how close the drivers could get to the edge of the road. He was interested in an employee that would keep his company safe.

In that same light, I wanted to express some of my opinions of how married couples can stay away from the edge of affairs and other problems in their marriage.

I have written about the importance of boundaries with members of the opposite sex before. I regularly work with couples in counseling who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair (or an almost affair). Having appropriate boundaries can go a long way in preventing affairs or inappropriate relationships that could be detrimental to their marriage. These are my own thoughts and are based off of my experience as a marriage counselor as well as my life experience in my marriage. You may disagree with me. That is fine. But I encourage you to develop your own boundaries when interacting with members of the opposite sex. Staying far away from the edge is what could prevent your marriage from tumbling to destruction.

The following are DISCOURAGED with members of the opposite sex when you are married:

• Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds.
• Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds).
• Full-frontal hugs. This is when the bodies are completely touching, and not just an upper body hug.
• Being alone socially with the other person. There are times when a job might require two people to be alone. In these times, people shoul work together as professionals and not friends. There are times when a job might require more than the three second rule (i.e. athletic trainers, professional ballroom dancers, etc.). In these cases, professionalism and not engaging in any other outside of work interactions are of the utmost importance.
• Secret conversations (by phone, internet, etc.) with the other person. This includes facebook and other social networking sites.
• Secret get togethers. It doesn't matter if it is "just lunch" or "just coffee."

Ultimately, you should ask yourself, "Would my spouse be comfortable if he/she saw what I was doing with this other person right now?"

• The following are ENCOURAGED with members of the opposite sex when you are married:
• Group dates where you and your spouse meet up with your friend and their spouse.
• Give your spouse access to all of your email and social networks.
• Let your spouse know if you are going to be interacting with members of the opposite sex on a professional level.
• Introduce your spouse to all of your friends.
• Make sure your spouse knows your co-workers and your relationship with each opposite sex co-worker.

Openess and honesty are great ways of staying away from the cliff, while secrecy and lies are like driving one inch away from the cliff. Just because you might be able to drive close to the edge, it doesn't mean you should.

[Dravin]

I'm curious, are these discouraged/encouraged items from personal experience as a counselor or are they more an application of theory? I realize at some point someone stopped and connected, "When people do this, bad things result." but I'm wondering if it's mostly a practical experience or application of theories you've learned from other sources?

[slamjet]

The Discouraged list I have no issue with. But the Encouraged list is a bit overboard.

- Group dates where you and your spouse meet up with your friend and their spouse.
- Give your spouse access to all of your email and social networks.
Really? You being a counselor, I seriously doubt you give your spouse access to all your emails. This is just overkill.

- Let your spouse know if you are going to be interacting with members of the opposite sex on a professional level.
Really? I'm sure you don't give our the names of your female patients to your spouse. That's against HIPAA.

- Introduce your spouse to all of your friends.
Really? This states that you do cannot have a friend unless your spouse has been introduced to them. I think it would be better to say to "not be afraid to introduce your spouse to your friends."

- Make sure your spouse knows your co-workers and your relationship with each opposite sex co-worker.
Really? This is, to say it mildly, frantic overkill.

This list starts from the point that the trust factor in a marriage is nil. Whatever happened to trust in marriage? I sure hope you don't require your patients to adhere to this. It can only help to aggravate bad feelings. I get the set boundaries stuff. But please, common sense, reality and practicality need to enter into the picture somewhere.

[Eowyn]

My husband and I have total transparency. We share passwords and tell each other everything. The only time I can see that being a problem would be if either of us had a job or calling that required confidentiality. We don't.

It's worked darn well for 14 years.

[annewandering]

I disagree, Slamjet, on most points. Trust is great but caution is better. I want my husband to know so he wont ever wonder.
My marriage is more important than anything else including setting boundries between my husband and me.

[classylady]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

My husband and I have total transparency. We share passwords and tell each other everything. The only time I can see that being a problem would be if either of us had a job or calling that required confidentiality. We don't.

It's worked darn well for 14 years.

I agree with you, Eowyn. My husband and I know each other's passwords to our accounts. We can read each other's emails, text messaging, and Facebook. We open each other's mail. I suppose if one of us had a job that required confidentiality, then we would need to have a confidential account. But, the only thing it would be used for would be the confidential account, not for anything else.

Also, along those lines, my husband and I know each other's schedules. I know when and where he will be working, and the same for him--he knows my schedule.

[Bini]

I agree, Eowyn.


DH and I are open with EVERYTHING. We know each other's passwords to personal emails, social networks - everything! And neither of us have any qualms about accessing each other's stuff. It just isn't a big deal. When my husband gets busy, he'll ask me if I've had any time to check his emails (personal & business). There's been times that I've been preoccupied with something, and I'll have DH get into my FB and check to see if any of my buddies have left me a message, and if there is one - to read it to me while I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner. We don't hide anything, we're extremely comfortable with each other and we've both found that we tell each other even the SMALLEST details because we WANT the other to know exactly what is going on. DH and I told each other, the day we stop sharing the small stuff with each other, is the day when something isn't right between us.

[slamjet]

Originally Posted by annewandering

I disagree, Slamjet, on most points. Trust is great but caution is better. I want my husband to know so he wont ever wonder.
My marriage is more important than anything else including setting boundries between my husband and me.

You are entitled to your opinion, and you're wrong!

I KID, I KID, now put down that flamethrower.

I agree with giving the spouse access, but I do not agree with "hey, there's a new girl at work. come by tomorrow so I can introduce you before our marriage explodes." That's the feeling I get from reading between the lines of the OP. There's a way to do it, and then there's the neurotic way. And besides, it borderlines on fostering a codependent relationship.

"I see you have a new female at work, why have you not introduced me?"
"Uhm, because, she just started, why, do you not trust me?"
"No, you are my spouse. If you don't tell me, or introduce me then you are untrustworthy."

"HON! I'm going to hang with George and his friends to watch the fight tonight."
"His friends? I don't know them. Aren't you going to take me and introduce me to them?"
"But hon, It's guys night out, what's wrong, don't you trust me?"
"What are you hiding? Do you go there to drink?"
"What?!?"

And the trust factor in the marriage starts to erode. There is a way to be open. If you open a new email account, tell your spouse and say "anytime you want, I'll give you the login info." instead of shoving it in their hand. So yes, I do agree on principle, but on practical application, not obsessive adherence.

[Maureen]

I'm going to have to agree with slamjet and say that the Encouraged list is overkill, especially:

Make sure your spouse knows your co-workers and your relationship with each opposite sex co-worker.

This one is not practical; I have no idea how I would get my husband to meet all my co-workers. Work activities and home activities do not coincide. And the Encouraged list gives the impression that spouses cannot be trusted in any situation.

M.

[tomxsumm]

I'm tired of lists of do's and don't's.
I'd rather just work on BEING