Reasonable expectations for re-establishing trust in a marriage

[deniallady]

I have a new question to pose to the group. Under the counsel of our bishop and therapist, my husband and I are giving it 'one last try' so that we can attempt to save our marriage from the damage of his online affairs and alcohol abuse (actual and not online. lol.). I've written other threads about the details of all our drama, so if you want them or need them, then you can look there. Last week I discovered once again that he had gotten involved with more women online and I was so beyond done... Anyway, I digress. My rationale to following the counsel of the bishop and therapist is that it can't hurt and a few months (which is his typical cycle) won't matter much in the scheme of life. This is a poor attitude and very not healthy, but I'm allowing myself a little private bitterness for a short period of time because I've been relatively positive for the last year so I could use a little sad time. My goal is, and always has been, to save our marriage but I'm a little tired of it being one-sided in action.

The question is--what are some reasonable expectations that I can have for him in order to begin establishing trust again? I know that 'total transparency' and 'open book' are phrases that are often tossed out there, but I'm looking for specifics. What does your spouse do to be totally transparent or an open book in your marriage? What would be some reasonable expectations for me to have for him? I'll throw one idea out there. If my child used his smartphone inappropriately, I would take it away for a period of time. Obviously, my husband is not a child (although the arguement could be made... I know, bitter...), but is it reasonable for him to get and use a non-smartphone for a period of time and leave his ipad at home so that the temptation to use it for inappropriate behavior is minimized? I understand that if he's gonna cheat, then he's gonna find a way to cheat, but does an alcoholic hang out in a bar or carry a shot of vodka around in their pocket all day? I hope you can see where I'm going with this and I sincerely welcome all your thoughts and insights. Much love.

[Eowyn]

I think that if he is sincere in his efforts to prove himself trustrworthy, he should be willing to do pretty much anything. What you mention here is not at all too much, IMO. In your position, I would expect him to report where he is, who he's with, and what he's doing, every time he goes somewhere else. I would expect him to be available at all times for me to call, and to be willing to give up the "smart" technology stuff indefinitely. I don't expect those things of my husband now, but he didn't mess everything up like your husband did.

You're already handling things with more strength and grace than I imagine myself having.

[skippy740]

Rebuilding trust without set parameters, boundaries and tools... is probably a great theory. There needs to be incremental progress shown. And the first step I would recommend are filters on all computers in the house.

No corporate owned computer hooked up to a network would allow access to every website out there. Too much opportunity to waste time, sexual harrassment of images and downloading viruses that can compromise security. (Hmmm... sound like familiar objectives here?)

Your home computers need to be setup in the same way - and that includes other devices like tablets and cell phones.

Often on the forum, the K9 web protection filter is recommended. It's free and it's pretty good. It'll work on everything... except Android smart phones.

K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software

I would search online for smartphone internet filters and see if they're there. If not, you may need to get a new phone that's compatible with other internet filters, or downgrade to a "dumb phone".

This is the first step for your situation. If he won't abide by this... then that may be your sign.

Of course there are ways around such filters. One very basic way is to reset your devices... or to reload your operating system onto the computers.

The first step is getting him to agree to having them installed.

How do you go about the conversation? More importantly, how can you have the conversation and make him a hero for doing it? (Now THAT takes some creativity!)

1. You're doing this for the safety of children who may use the devices at home. You don't want your children exposed to anything that they shouldn't be exposed to. Just like you want a clean and safe work environment, you want a clean and safe home environment. (Kids may play games on smartphones, right? Kids might watch a movie on the tablet? Kids go online on home computers.)

2. If you don't have kids, just talk about having a clean and safe home environment... just like major corporations require for their computers. The longer the filters are installed, his cravings will lessen over time.

3. Take your devices (all of them, not just his, but every device in the household) to the bishop or counselor to place the password. This way, it's not YOU doing it (and holding a kind of 'moral superiority' over him), but the Bishop or counselor, and they can see how willing he is to work at his marriage. It won't just be "telling them" about it... but you AND they can SEE his sincerity towards fixing the marriage. If you have a large desktop computer, you can use a service like teamviewer to give the Bishop or counselor momentary control over the computer to set the password.

TeamViewer - Free Remote Control, Remote Access & Online Meetings

After this is done... CELEBRATE this step! It's a MAJOR step! Go out for dinner and spend some time together. He just admitted that he has a problem and took steps in front of others to fix it. Reward him for doing so.

(Yes, I know you don't feel like it right now... but if he doesn't feel rewarded, he may not work towards the next steps.)

These are just my thoughts.

[deniallady]

I really like the filter on the phone idea. We have K9 on our home computers and we like it very much. We have 5 children and have always filtered our internet. So weird that a phone filter never occured to me. That might be a much more 'pitchable' idea than giving up his beloved modern technology. My husband is making his own list today of the things that he feels he could do to help build that admiration, trust, and respect that he's missing from me. It will be interesting to compare the lists we made. Thank you both for you great advice and comments.

[JudoMinja]

I think that whatever limits you set, the most important thing is that they are limits he agrees to. It won't do you any good to "tell" him he must set certain limitations in order to gain your trust again. Discuss with him what limits you would like him to set, and let him explain what he thinks is necessary as well. Then come to an agreement together. While regaining trust is certainly important, even more important- I think- is that you focus on his repentance and overcoming this weakness for himself and his own spiritual health. He won't improve if limitations are forced upon him. He needs to recognize that the limitations are necessary for himself and agree to them because it is what he wants.

[Timpman]

He should use the dumbest of dumbphones and no ipad. Eowyn is so right - "if he is sincere in his efforts to prove himself trustrworthy, he should be willing to do pretty much anything."