Need advice with career/having kids

[MarginOfError]

Originally Posted by Wingnut

I can't tell if you're serious with this line or not.

Neither can I. On the one hand, he can't complain about you not being pregnant if you're not having sex. On the other hand, we've already criticised him for being manipulative, and this is kind of the same thing.

But really, my chief advice is that you don't try for pregnancy until both partners are in agreement that they want to try. My big fear, and I sincerely hope he's smarter than this, is that he tries to pull the "I preside over the family" card. If he uses that line, I recommend you take a Family Proclamation and shove it up his ... um...nostril.

[garryw]

For the sake of Pete, do not rush the kids. Take your BC religiously. If your in-laws want babies tell them to get busy and make their own.

[Backroads]

Originally Posted by garryw

For the sake of Pete, do not rush the kids. Take your BC religiously. If your in-laws want babies tell them to get busy and make their own.

I recall a time when my mother feared I would never get married (for some reason, I am the one expected to make grandbabies despite my two married brothers) she humorously claimed she would take the pet rat I had at the time, dress him up, and take him places like a grandchild.

So what I'm suggesting is get your parents a pet rat.



On a serious note, I think the best thing to do first is create some distance, at least emotionally and mentally, from your inlaws. Your husband might need some breathing room to clear his head and decide between what he wants and what his family wants.

[mhsmd]

Originally Posted by Hahnzee

Basically my husband thinks that I'm not following the direction of the prophets by not having kids NOW.

False. My husband and I, and another couple, were discussing just that commandment after the October conference. There seemed to be quite a bit of confusion, because there was a lot of discussion among the married couples on campus about having kids. The truth is that you should have kids when you are financially (and emotionally) stable enough to support those children. Having kids without the means to support them doesn't do anyone any good. We and our friends both agreed that if we tried to have kids, we would be screwed. My husband and I can't even feed ourselves and pay rent! Our friends are both working just under 40 hours a week, in school full-time, and still on a tight budget! We would not be able to support children. That is a part of the talk that was given in the October 2011 conference.

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Hahnzee! I hope you are doing well.

My experiences don't necessarily apply to others but I do know that you can start a family immediately and still go to school, still work and provide, and still be able to have a happy and wonderful family. I think the general supposition is that one must already have an established career or done with schooling before it is wise to have a family. I'm not sure where this supposition came from and why this has been elevated to the status of some sort of universal truth.

Everyone's circumstances will be slightly different and so we work out our lives as best we can while we shoot for the goals that God has set for us. We aren't always going to be able to do things exactly as God has prescribed but we should never forget the principles that we ought to be aiming for. It is a fact that God commanded a husband and wife to be fruitful and multiply. In so doing, God empowered us to be able to fulfill this commandment because God gives no commandment unless he provides a way for us to accomplish it. Furthermore, God's purpose AND his glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of mankind. As disciples, we make covenants to assist God in this work. We, therefore, are bound by commandment and by other covenants to help guide God's children back to him. There is no better place to accomplish this than in the home and with our children. So, instead of looking at children simply as a burden, our vision ought to be extended so that we see them as they really are: Our brothers and sisters over whom we have temporary stewardship over. The way I view it is that I am thrilled and overjoyed to be able to take part in housing a spirit on this earth with a physical body and having them be born in to the covenant, with automatic access to the restored gosple of Jesus Christ!

Roughly 10 months after getting married we had our first kid and we've had four more since then. Through-out it all I've attended college full-time (I took a couple of years break from school but am now attending again full-time), I've worked full-time, I've done my church callings, and I've been able to gain meaningful employment. We've always had everything that we need and so very much of the things we want too. On top of that, the intervening years have been filled with so many blessings that I know we could not have enjoyed had we not had our children with us along for the ride!

True, my schooling has been delayed, but that hasn't prevented me from being able to properly support my family. And, perhaps I've missed out on some other things, but, to be honest, I don't know any better. My life after high school and mission has been family and it has brought me great joy.

Regards,
Finrock

[anatess]

Originally Posted by Finrock

Good afternoon Hahnzee! I hope you are doing well.

My experiences don't necessarily apply to others but I do know that you can start a family immediately and still go to school, still work and provide, and still be able to have a happy and wonderful family. I think the general supposition is that one must already have an established career or done with schooling before it is wise to have a family. I'm not sure where this supposition came from and why this has been elevated to the status of some sort of universal truth.

I don't know where you got that either because... I've never heard of it as universal truth... not even in the Philippines where there are people with children literally living off of garbage... the choice to bring children into garbage or wait until you've at least succeeded to rise above garbage has always been left to the individual in his/her circumstance.

In this thread, we're not promoting one or the other. We're trying to tell the OP that the decision is between her and her husband. Not her, her husband, and her in-laws. Because, either way - wait or not - is just as valid depending on their circumstance.

[beefche]

GA's have stated to not delay having children for school or careers. However, they've also stated that ultimately it is a decision between the couple and the Lord.

[MarginOfError]

Originally Posted by beefche

GA's have stated to not delay having children for school or careers. However, they've also stated that ultimately it is a decision between the couple and the Lord.

I would amend this statement to:

GA's have stated to not delay having children for school or careers, and that parents are "responsible to provide the necessities of life."

Part of being an adult is recognizing that there are not clear black and white answers; there is a lot of gray in the world and you have to make tough decisions to manage it.

I was talking to a couple of my scouts this week about the Family Life merit badge. One of them said, "I can't imagine ever being a parent." I told him that being a parent was easily the most incredible and enjoyable thing I've ever done. He looked at me with a bit of surprise that I could say that so easily. Then I added, "but it only feels like that if you wait until you're ready to be a parent." He seemed very satisfied with that description.

[beefche]

Here's a good talk to understand the Church's teaching on having children:

Children - general-conference

[MarginOfError]

Originally Posted by beefche

Here's a good talk to understand the Church's teaching on having children:

Children - general-conference

Oddly, I got really irritated with that talk. Twice in that talk, it makes the explicit injunction that we should not judge each other for our decisions about when to have children and how many to have. But, to me, it feels like these injunctions are lip-service; almost like they're made just so that the author can claim he gave the injunction in spite of his real message.

In the examples he gives of people who made righteous decisions to have children, one is told "where is your faith," planting the idea that if you're not willing to have children right away, you don't have true faith.

His other examples of parents who raised children despite not having lots of luxuries, he cites Adam and Eve (they had plenty of farmland with which to provide for their family), Lehi and Saraiah having Jacob and Joseph in the wilderness (again, resources were not limited in any comparable way to the resources of a modern student), the birth of Moses (whose parents, in order to save his life, snuck him in the the royal family's care), and Joseph and Mary delivering Christ in a stable (this wasn't poverty, this was travel. While not wealthy, Joseph and Mary still had resources). In all of these cases, the parents had the means with which to provide the necessities of life*.

So when I heard and read this talk, I had this strong sense of double speak: "We urge you not to judge each other in these matters; but there's only one right way to do it."

Thanks for that.


My point is this: Parents and potential parents need to evaluate their resources, their goals, and their covenants and make the decision that satisfies the temporal, spiritual, and emotional needs of them and their current and potential children. These decisions need to be made in the context of their current temporal, spiritual, and emotional state**.




* A phrase that is taken from the Proclamation on the Family.

** For example, an anecdote of a family that made it work in 1970s is of limited application to a family in 2012; healthcare costs have more than doubled since 1970 and wages haven't increased at anywhere near that rate. Student families are even more affected as tuition rates have climbed ever higher.