Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[prisonchaplain]

15 years into a marriage (we're 17) weight loss should be about health and the desire of your spouse to have you around longer. We might want to lose weight to please our spouses, but to demand this is really outrageous.

[applepansy]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

Not hitting you doesn't mean he's good to you.

If you have daughters, I'm concerned about what they're learning from him.

I'm just as concerned about what he is teaching sons. It would kill me as a mother to have grown sons who abused the woman they said they loved, especially if it was because I didn't teach them through example that women don't have to put up with any kind of abuse.

[Eowyn]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

May I help a little?

I think the question the OP should ask herself is, can a daughter of God be happily married to a shallow, selfish [deleted by moderator - but not because I necessarily disagree]?

Thanks for the gentle moderation. I gave that one a 50/50 chance to slide by.

[tumbledquartz]

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it.

Since being diagnosed with bipolar, I've made great progress through counseling and medication and I'm not nearly as moody as I was, and I've tried to improve my housekeeping as well. But the thing is, out of all the issues I have, he says the only one he /really/ cares about is the weight. He says he'll never complain about the house or anything else if I'm skinny. (not that it won't still bug him, but since I've said he's overwhelmed me with complaints, he just wants me to concentrate on the weight.) The thing is, I made great efforts last year, working out five days a week, I cut out ice cream which is my absolute fave, and ran some triathlons and 5Ks, but I didn't lose any weight. And I got injured, discouraged, quit, and then gained weight. But none of my effort means anything to him because he says it's "results that count" and he wants me to have a "body-for-life body" like some of our neighbors, one of whom has even competed in bikini competitions.

Honestly, I've known about the porn since he started years and years ago, but he had indicated to me more than once that he had quit, and, as naive as I am, I didn't continue to question him about it. The truth is that he can't tell a lie if I ask him straight-up, but I now know he's very good at evading the question or giving a half-answer. Like when I found his beer two weeks ago and questioned him about when he started drinking again, he told me (it's been just over a year), but he didn't tell me anything else. When I questioned if he was doing drugs too, he said, "I'm not doing hard drugs like cocaine." It wasn't until later that night that I realized he really hadn't answered the question and I asked him flat-out if he was smoking pot and he admitted he was.

So over the past week, as questions have occurred to me, I've learned to ask flat-out questions. When I asked if he'd cheated on me, his reply was that he "hadn't had intercourse with another woman." Which I now know was code for "I'm going to try to get out of answering this with a straight answer and maybe get away with it." So I asked if he had had oral sex with another woman and he was silent for long enough that I knew my answer. He doesn't want to tell me details because he says he's ashamed, but he did tell me he's never seen her again and never will.

So, based on the fact that he can't seem to lie to me if I ask him a straight question, I believe him when he says that he was clean and sober for 18 years and that he knows he needs to quit the alcohol, and that he only cheated on me once.

I don't know; I'm just so frustrated and confused right now. He's basically a good person, honestly, and he feels bad about what he's done. And he says he loves me and that's why he's stayed with me despite being unhappy about my weight. He cites all the good qualities I have, that I'm sweet and caring and that I'm taking our kids to church and teaching them the gospel and everything. But he just can't get past the weight.

To answer some of the questions that have been asked, I do have daughters, and a son. He seems to be in a really humble place right now, saying that he feels lost and that he doesn't think he's strong enough or good enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, and he says he's willing to see the bishop and maybe even go back to church. So I have hope that maybe we can work things out, but he's just so adamant about the weight issue. He insists that the only two possible outcomes are for me to lose weight or for him to leave me.

[annewandering]

In thinking about this, I wonder if he is just trying to justify his adultery and porn. He looks like he is on a downhill slide pretty fast with the beer, adultery, porn and not attending church.
A lot of guilt issues. Perhaps you might encourage him to repent instead of sliding the problem to you.
I like that you are working on your weight and housekeeping. Those are two things I need to do as well. Do not let yourself think that those are the problem, however. They are not. He is unhappy with himself and not willing to face up to putting the blame where it belongs. Who does?

[Backroads]

I think the two of you could do with some marriage counseling. You losing weight, or even him leaving you, isn't going to fix things.

[beefche]

What does he think is going to happen if you lose the weight? Will the marriage be better? Will he be able to stop drinking, drugs and porn? Will the sex life be better? What does he see as limitations in the marriage due to your weight?

[tumbledquartz]

Originally Posted by anatess

He tells me I'm beautiful and calls me my lovely momma

I long for that - for someone to call me beautiful and "lovely momma" and say that he loves me no matter what I look like. I want that so bad. But I also know that the grass isn't always greener. What if I leave and go looking for that, and even find it, and then find out that the guy has other problems that I'm not having to deal with now?

Just hearing that some guys feel that way, though, gives me hope that maybe my husband can also be that way. Every time we've gone to counseling, he's agreed to go just to get ME fixed up - he never admitted he had any problems. But maybe that will change now. I don't know.

[annewandering]

well there is a disconnect with reality. So drinking, porn, adultery, dropping church, and lack of self responsibility are not problems? He needs a dose of reality.

[applepansy]

Originally Posted by tumbledquartz

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it.

Since being diagnosed with bipolar, I've made great progress through counseling and medication and I'm not nearly as moody as I was, and I've tried to improve my housekeeping as well. But the thing is, out of all the issues I have, he says the only one he /really/ cares about is the weight. He says he'll never complain about the house or anything else if I'm skinny. (not that it won't still bug him, but since I've said he's overwhelmed me with complaints, he just wants me to concentrate on the weight.) The thing is, I made great efforts last year, working out five days a week, I cut out ice cream which is my absolute fave, and ran some triathlons and 5Ks, but I didn't lose any weight. And I got injured, discouraged, quit, and then gained weight. But none of my effort means anything to him because he says it's "results that count" and he wants me to have a "body-for-life body" like some of our neighbors, one of whom has even competed in bikini competitions.

Honestly, I've known about the porn since he started years and years ago, but he had indicated to me more than once that he had quit, and, as naive as I am, I didn't continue to question him about it. The truth is that he can't tell a lie if I ask him straight-up, but I now know he's very good at evading the question or giving a half-answer. Like when I found his beer two weeks ago and questioned him about when he started drinking again, he told me (it's been just over a year), but he didn't tell me anything else. When I questioned if he was doing drugs too, he said, "I'm not doing hard drugs like cocaine." It wasn't until later that night that I realized he really hadn't answered the question and I asked him flat-out if he was smoking pot and he admitted he was.

So over the past week, as questions have occurred to me, I've learned to ask flat-out questions. When I asked if he'd cheated on me, his reply was that he "hadn't had intercourse with another woman." Which I now know was code for "I'm going to try to get out of answering this with a straight answer and maybe get away with it." So I asked if he had had oral sex with another woman and he was silent for long enough that I knew my answer. He doesn't want to tell me details because he says he's ashamed, but he did tell me he's never seen her again and never will.

So, based on the fact that he can't seem to lie to me if I ask him a straight question, I believe him when he says that he was clean and sober for 18 years and that he knows he needs to quit the alcohol, and that he only cheated on me once.

I don't know; I'm just so frustrated and confused right now. He's basically a good person, honestly, and he feels bad about what he's done. And he says he loves me and that's why he's stayed with me despite being unhappy about my weight. He cites all the good qualities I have, that I'm sweet and caring and that I'm taking our kids to church and teaching them the gospel and everything. But he just can't get past the weight.

To answer some of the questions that have been asked, I do have daughters, and a son. He seems to be in a really humble place right now, saying that he feels lost and that he doesn't think he's strong enough or good enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, and he says he's willing to see the bishop and maybe even go back to church. So I have hope that maybe we can work things out, but he's just so adamant about the weight issue. He insists that the only two possible outcomes are for me to lose weight or for him to leave me.

Wow! I wish I could work out 5 days a week. I wish I could run to the end of the driveway.

Not being able to lose the weight might be your medication. Talk to your doctor about that. But if that's the reason you're having difficulty losing weight, then all the more reason for your husband to love you anyway without reservation or conditions.

Nobody is doing to remember if the dishes were done on July 13, 1994. Nobody is going to remember if the bathrooms were all clean and spotless on February 20, 2003. Nobody is going to remember if the laundry was done on May 12, 2012. Or pick a day from just last month... June... Nobody will remember.

However, you and your husband will always remember the day he said he wouldn't stay with you unless you lost weight.

Yes there are always too sides. But adultery, drug and alcohol problems... those are bigger than losing weight. Those are bigger than the house being a mess.