Advice on my marriage problems

[magicmormon]

To avoid making this an extremely long post, I will just stick to the main stuff.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years. We have one daughter, 18 months old.

The last three and a half months have been @#!*% . It has been a loveless and sexless marriage.

I am responsible for much of the unhappiness in my marriage because I neglected to help my wife remain in love with me for so long. I am addicted to lust, pornography and masturbation. I've been in PASG and counceling for at least 2 months. I have made some progress. My wife knew about my problems before we got married. It has been a continual problem since, there were times of dishonesty and secrecy. I do not hide in secrecy or dishonesty anymore. My pain is out in the open, I am vulnerable now. I am working on rebuilding intimate relationships with many in my life.

About 3 months ago we started seeing a councilor and the bishop because my wife no longer felt she loved me. I was angry at first and felt entitled to that love and to her body and to many other things. I went through many cycles of overcoming these feelings of entitlement, with each cycle, my wife just became more and more stubborn. She got tired of the talks, the ultimatums, and I think the marriage too. I have great spiritual ideas and love my wife. I want to work out our problems, I am commited to us. She isnt sure she wants to commit and it has been that way for 3 months.

There were a few small moments of domestic violence, no actual physical abuse or anything of that sort. I hit the wall once and another time I tried to keep her in the same room with me to work out our problems. Now two months later, she decided to serve me with an order of protection and kick me out of my own home. I talked with a lawyer, I probably won't win.

When I recieved the news I was being served, I was devastated. It was like the air was taken from my lungs and my world was collapsing.
When I learned I wouldn't win or even have a decent chance of winning, my small hopes of returning to my home were dashed. I curled up in a ball and cried till I had no more tears to give.
I am a broken man. I have learned much about my savior and the atonement. I have done much repenting. God has seen fit to humble me and let me experience long suffering.

Recently, I went to get a massage from a woman in town. I could feel the spirit trying to warn me that all was not right, but I ignored him. The room was dark, lit by candles. I was told to strip naked and lie on the table face down. At one point the "massage therapist" took her top off so that she wouldn't get lotion on it while she worked on me, I had an opportunity to decline, but I accepted instead. I was uncomfortable after that, but because it felt so good to be touched by a woman with tender hands and have that feeling of warmth on my skin, I wasn't courageous enough to tell her to put her top on or to walk out. She offered a happy ending and I declined. I didn't become aroused at all, probably because I wasn't feeling right about what was happening.

I emailed my bishop immediately afterwards and confessed. I wish I could tell my wife, but the order of protection prohibits me from saying anything. Even through 3rd party contact. I'm afraid of the consequences. Do you think there will be church disciplinary actions? I still have my temple recommend. I also fear my wife will divorce me, but she is probably going to do that anyways, even if I never get to tell her about this incident... I don't think divorce is an answer, it just creates new problems.Repentance and the Atonement are the answers

Beyond the fear, I am more concerned about my standing before God. This is a whole new level of infidelity for me. I understand why I was tempted to do it and I won't be repeating the incident. I've been in a very vulnerable state lately and I've been sustained by God moment to moment. I've been able to endure more pain than I ever thought I could because of the atonement and God's mercy. It was just a few short hours I decided to ignore the spirit and his protection and now I've done something I will regret for the rest of my life. Sigh.

This is a shortened an simplified version of my story at best. There are a million details that I couldn't include, but I think I got the point across. Any constructive thoughts or sympathy or even critisim is welcome. What do you think? Thanks in advance.

[Vort]

Rough situation. Best of luck to you.

[EarlJibbs]

This seems a prime expample of the rampant distructions that porn brings into a home.

I have an observation, in your post you seem to hint that your wife shouldnt leave you. As you mentioned you left out a lot, but I think that the "a lot" that you left out has contributed to her actions.

Fight for love, but respect her decisions. Place her in any other womans shoes and it most likely would have turned out similarly for them.

At this time, although it may be alone (without your wife), should be used for you. Get your life back on track. Remember that you may feel that since you have already done X X and X that it may not matter that you continue doing those things that got you in this predicament. Focus on you and your problems.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

[magicmormon]

Originally Posted by EarlJibbs

This seems a prime expample of the rampant distructions that porn brings into a home.

I have an observation, in your post you seem to hint that your wife shouldnt leave you. As you mentioned you left out a lot, but I think that the "a lot" that you left out has contributed to her actions.

Fight for love, but respect her decisions. Place her in any other womans shoes and it most likely would have turned out similarly for them.

At this time, although it may be alone (without your wife), should be used for you. Get your life back on track. Remember that you may feel that since you have already done X X and X that it may not matter that you continue doing those things that got you in this predicament. Focus on you and your problems.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

Your observation is quite correct. I do believe that she shouldnt leave me. Do you believe she ought to leave me?
I don't believe any man or woman should leave their spouse when they are doing thier best in regards to thier problems, especially when one gets married knowing about those problems before hand. No matter who you marry, you will have to endure some tests and trials that will make you into the man or woman God intends you to be before you enter into his kingdom. Why divorce and start over? especially since she knows I'm commited to her and to God. If you say that some trials are just too hard to bear, I believe there is a scripture that says God won't test us beyond what we are capable of handling... I used to think I wouldn't be able to endure a trial like what I am experiencing now, but with Heavenly fathers help I have managed to handle it moment to moment, breath to breath. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I have been uplifted and supported in those times. As long as I continue to commit to live righteously, God will bless me and things will work out for the best.

As far as leaving a lot out about why my wife doesn't love me anymore, well she doesn't really know why and frankly neither do I. I can only assume that it was neglect on both ends. Lust addiction played it's part, but I think my ADD played a large role as well. I am on meds for the ADD now and have seen great results. I have been making or working on all the changes my wife has asked me to accomplish. She has even admitted how far I've come. Unfortunately she doesn't know if she wants to commit to the marriage or not and it has been a rift between us. I kept pushing for commitment, while she would just scooting away further. I've been pushy and disrespectful at times because I felt entitled that she should be behaving a certain way. There has been a cycle of entitlement and expectations that I've had to let go of, but before I could let go I kept making ulitmatums and such. With each cycle she would move further away and a new cycle would begin before she could heal from the previous one, so it is a downward spiral.

My new attitude is that my time spent with her is a gift. It has always been a gift. She owes me nothing. I am thankful for the time I was allowed to spend with her and I hope she will choose to stay with me. It took me a long time and a lot of painful humbling experiences to get to this point.

Thanks for the advice. Trust and respect have been major hurdles for each of us before the order of protection was served. I hope to get another chance at changing that behavior.
I will also use this time as best I can to focus on my problems. Instead of having a pity party I need to stay focused and keep moving forward.

[Eowyn]

I believe that if I had a girlfriend in such a marriage, I would advise her to leave, and I don't do so lightly. I hope you understand that you have put her through a great deal. I do wish you both the best, but not just the best for you. . . the best for her, too. If you can work it all out and change everything, that's great, but I can completely understand how she has serious doubts of that happening. Most people with these issues don't just change.

[magicmormon]

Update on the massage problem. Still havent been able to report to the wife.
The bishop decided to hold on to my temple recommend for a while and use it as a way to motivate me to keep living righteously. No other disciplinary action is going to be taken.

[magicmormon]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

I believe that if I had a girlfriend in such a marriage, I would advise her to leave, and I don't do so lightly. I hope you understand that you have put her through a great deal. I do wish you both the best, but not just the best for you. . . the best for her, too. If you can work it all out and change everything, that's great, but I can completely understand how she has serious doubts of that happening. Most people just don't want to change.

Bolded and fixed.

I do understand that I have put her through a great deal. I hope you realize that this addiction doesn't define who I am. There is much more to me than this one problem. As far as this one part of me that is unworthy of her, I want to change that and God is helping me. Fearing and doubting a persons ability to change is really just fearing and doubting God's ability to work miracles.

Divorce is not an answer, it can be a way out, but it always creates new problems. Some of which can last for generations. Divorce disgusts me as much as pornography and sometimes more.

[Eowyn]

I find divorce deplorable as well, except in cases of:

ADDICTION
ADULTERY
ABUSE

It sounds like you've handed her all three. I hear a lot of what you want, you feel, you're missing out on, you deserve. What about her?

[BadWolf]

Eegads, man... Leave the poor woman alone!!!

Why on earth would you torture her with your sexcapades? Why do you keep trying to inflict pain on her???

It sounds like she HAS tried, HAS taken you at your (repeatedly broken) word, undoubtedly with your current "its different this time" pleas.

If you ACTUALLY love her, let her go.
Let her recover from the pain and betrayals you not only left at her feet but forced down her throat, and are still trying to force her to endure.

Let. Her. Go.

Stop. Causing. Her. Pain.

[BadWolf]

Originally Posted by Eowyn

I find divorce deplorable as well, except in cases of:

ADDICTION
ADULTERY
ABUSE

It sounds like you've handed her all three. I hear a lot of what you want, you feel, you're missing out on, you deserve. What about her?

Ditto.
ANY of the 3 is enough
Trifecta?

Addiction, Abuse, Adultery, Done.

Please. Take the next few years to work on yourself, and with a good therapist before getting in another relationship. And by few, think 2 at a minimum, and 5 as a reasonable goal.