Vexing situation

[Enoch2]

I have a situation somewhat similar to others that have been seen here. Forgive my divulging details that may be more than what you want to know. I love my wife. My reaction to guys looking for greener pastures is that they don't exist. However, the particular situations we deal with can often be difficult. I have been married for about thirteen years. Since our oldest was born over ten years ago I have not had a bedroom to myself and my wife. She has insisted on co-sleeping, letting our kids share our bed. Our youngest is nearly four and she still sleeps in our bed. The reason for this is primarily cultural. My wife is Hispanic. I can't say that this is the root of the problem, but it doesn't help. We do get intimate around once a week but it frequently feels like pulling teeth to get that much. She is never the initiator which would be much appreciated. I have had a porn addiction for 11 years. It started about one year into the marriage. Two of my children have special needs and require a lot of attention. I can handle the frequency of the intimacy but I don't like that it seem like a chore every time. Several years ago the problem was so bad that I had an encounter with a sex worker. My wife knows about my pornography problem but I have not told her about the other thing because it would devastate her. No spouse deserves those kinds of things to happen. I know I have no excuse. We have a good relationship and in my mind there isn't a better mother. I only wish she could balance things out and enjoy being intimate.

[MorningStar]

What if you were never married? Would have have had an "encounter" with a sex worker? Would you have a porn addiction? Most likely. Time to stop blaming your wife and she deserves to know that you committed adultery.

[Wingnut]

Sex worker, as in, prostitute? Have you been tested? Yes, it will devastate your wife, but aside from the fact that she's your wife and she needs to know and you need to tell her, she needs to know that you've exposed her to potential STDs and who knows what else. Medically speaking, she needs to know.

And you're right...you have no excuse.

[Backroads]

Not to bash other cultures, but I personally wouldn't care for co-sleeping beyond a certain age of the child.

Do you think this is the root of the problem between you and your wife? Do you think things would get more romantic if you had your own room? Or would she be less interested in sex no matter what? Would you two be willing to talk to a therapist?

Now, as for the porn and sex worker, there's not much chance having the most romantic and intimate relationship imaginable with your wife will fix your addiction, so this needs to be treated separately.

[pam]

I would have been somewhat sympathetic to your situation. Until your last sentence where you apparently put the blame back on her.

[Backroads]

Originally Posted by pam

I would have been somewhat sympathetic to your situation. Until your last sentence where you apparently put the blame back on her.

Indeed, I'd be less inclined to be intimate with my husband if I knew he was looking at porn.

Not saying any of this is cause and effect. I understand that people who aren't satisfied sexually may experience a greater temptation towards porn, but that doesn't make it okay and definitely not the other person's fault.

[MorningStar]

Also, if you think your wife treats sex like a chore, how do porn actresses or prostitutes make things better for you? It's a chore for them too, only paid. They don't get into the business because they like sex a lot.

[All_Apologies]

Dude, the problem had nothing to do with sex, the problem is with lust. Sex and lust are two things that, when put together, are not healthy. How do I know? I am a sex addict. But it is not sex that I am powerless over. It is lust. Have you ever attended a 12 step meeting? If not, maybe it would be a good thing to look into. Seriously, you can find a happier and more peaceful way of life.

[mikbone]

Repent, stop feeling sorry for yourself, buy a lock for your door, and communicate with your wife.

Doing what is right doesn't take a genius. It takes committment and self control.

[jb789]

OK, so clearly the porn and sex worker issue aren't healthy. But to be honest, neither is the lack of intimacy with your wife!

Clearly, for men (and I assume women), sex is a biological need, our bodies are wired that way. It needs a healthy outlet. Men cannot live without healthy sexual release - it causes tremendous tension, and if repressed, can lead to unhealthy sexuality (i.e. porn, sex workers, etc, these are not natural).

So, I would say, take the necessary repentance steps regarding the porn and sex worker. These are not correct. But, find a way to be intimate with your wife, explain your needs to her. As I said, men are wired biologically to have sexual needs, much like eating/sleeping, they are truly physical needs. In the Church we often downplay this fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. I really think that sexual repression has a lot to do with porn use in the Church - we're taught too much to deny our own sexuality, to shame it, etc, this leads to it being expressed in unhealthy ways. And truly a lack of a healthy sexual outlet (i.e. with one's spouse) can lead to a lot of pent-up sexual energy, which will come out one way or the other.

There are two issues here - one is unhealthy sexual expression (porn, sexual worker) - the other is lack of a healthy sexual outlet (lack of intimacy with wife). Both will lead to conflict and issues, and to be honest are likely highly related to one another.