Please, advice for my friend!

[nellyleyva92]

Hello everyone. One of my best friends just told me about some trouble she's having with her boyfriend. They've been together for years!!! Probably more than 5 years. I'm sorry this is long.

We just wait for the day they finally will get married because they look happy and comfortable with each other and we all believe they have a healthy relationship. They live almost like a married couple without the living together thing, kids and an actual marriage.

My friend is just telling me his boyfriend is always postponing the proposal, though the always talk about marriage, (mainly because she brings up the topic) he says he's probably going to finally propose months later and that they probably will get married next year. But he's mentioned he's scared about it.

So far, that is kind of normal, but she told me something he told her that is just scary and a huge red flag to me. He told her:

"It's just that sometimes I see beautiful girls and I am natural mal and natural man is enemy to God and I say to myself I have my girlfriend but I don't have nothing to remind me the commitment, like a ring, you see? We better get married and have some babies to remind me I am with you"

Isn't he a potential cheater?!

When she asked him if she could see handsome men too, he said "Now that would be a different thing..." Potential emotional abuser or a controlling husband?

She's now telling me things she's seen lately like texts in his cell phone from friends asking him to buy them alcohol and they would pay later, he hides things from her, he sometimes gets angry when they talk about marriage again, he says he's got no money for wedding dresses but that he buys other unnecessary and expensive stuff, or that they fight when she reminds him to go to the temple instead of hanging out with his friends. But he has told her not to hang out with her friends because "they are friends of the world and bad influences for her." (They're not!)
I can't believe this since he's apparently an outstanding leader in the ward and the stake, he's like the most spiritual guy in the ward and we all have a good opinion him. We used to think they would make a good husband and father, but now I don't know :S

So what do you think? To me he's shown several red flags. But what can I tell her? What advice can I give her? They've been together for what it seems an eternity and she loves him and marrying him has been her hope for years, and this stuff has been coming up just recently.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Why on earth would he want to bother with getting married? She's giving him what he wants without marriage, and he gets to keep the door open if he ever gets bored with her or tired of her. Sounds like a great deal for someone interested in sex without commitment.

[Bini]

No relationship, be it marriage or friendship, is without flaw.


Anyway, we can't save people from themselves or the crazy decisions they choose to make but if asked your opinion, give your honest response. They can take it, leave it, do whatever they want with it. And if it becomes a situation you'd rather have no part in, then give appropriate space between you and the drama.

[DeborahC]

My advice?

Leave now.
Find someone who values her and WANTS marriage.

She can waste a lot of good years waiting and hoping

If he wanted to get married, he would.
He is probably not a bad guy, just sure of what he doesn't want.

[Vort]

You cannot give her any advice. She has chosen her path, and now she's walking it. Calling her to repentance (or suggesting she quit fornicating with her long-term lover, which amounts to the same thing) won't go anywhere. The decision has to come from her. I assume she knows better, so until she wants to start living in accordance with her principles, things won't change.

[selek]

Immutable Truth of Life #293: Your girlfriend doesn't want a solution, she wants a shoulder to cry on.

Immutable Truth of Life #294: You're not getting the whole picture.



One of the problems of dragging family and friends into "marital" problems is that it creates a false impression of one's loved one.

You (this is a rhetorical "you", not an accusation) vent about hubby to your parents or your friends because they are naturally going to take your side. You get validation, sympathy, and get to offload your frustrations onto others. It's an emotional release.

Then you reconcile with hubby- but your friends and family still carry that layer of irritation and condemnation. Like plaque on an artery wall, the impresson has been formed.

Repeat often enough, and they've formed a definite picture of hubby- and it's not a pretty one.

I'm willing to bet a key-lime cheesecake that if you were to turn around and tell your girlfriend what you just told us and she'd deny every word.



One other note: several posters have jumped to the conclusion that they are actually sleeping together. I must have missed where that was stated, because I just don't see it.

Is it a logical assumption? In today's culture, yes.

Was it stated plainly? No.

It also contradicts the OP's characterization of this man as "an outstanding leader in the ward and the stake" and "the most spiritual guy in the ward and we all have a good opinion [of] him."

Is it impossible that he's both? Of course not- but let's stick to the available facts rather than making assumptions.




Yes- there are a lot of red flags.

Otherwise, I'm in one-hundred percent agreement with Bini in Post #3.

[MorningStar]

I would simply ask my friend, "Why don't you think you deserve a guy who can't wait to marry you?" Then I'd let her think about it and make her decision.

[mdfxdb]

So they've been together for 5years, and he hasn't proposed? Am I the only one who thinks this is a problem? Why is she wastingher time? On top of that there are several relationship red-flags...

My advice is to cut him loose, and find someone who does want to be with her.

[beefche]

Considering that the OP is 20 years old, I'm guessing her friend is the same age. Which means she has probably been with this guy since she was around 14.

[mdfxdb]

doesn't change my advice. If that is in fact the case then I would encourage her to date other people and experience life a little bit more