Husband making me choose between him and the church

[zuko725]

I just posted a previous thread a couple days ago about the problems we have been having.

Nonmember husband wants a divorce

Basically this has come down to an ultimatum. My husband came home from work this morning and simply told me that not only does he not believe the church is true, but he really really does not like it. He said nothing about it feels right to him and that it is wrong.

We were getting ready to start looking for a house and we were hoping to start a family within the next couple years and he told me that he doesn't like the idea of having mormon kids who are going to be raised to feel sorry for him and who will be raised to believe they won't be sealed to him and that our family won't be together. He doesn't believe this and he doesn't want our future kids, or me, believing this.

He more or less told me I needed to choose between him or the church.

I am compeletly stuck. How am I supposed to choose between the two things I love most in this world? I can't quit going to church (again). It's true, I know it's true and I want to live my life righteously.

But on the other hand, my husband is the love my life. Apart from this snag, he's a great guy. We've planned a future together and he feels so right. I don't feel like leaving him would be the right thing to do either.

I can't stand the idea of not going to church anymore, but I can't walk away from my marriage either.

I think I'm going to try and talk to my bishop tonight and see what kind of advice he can give me. Of course I'll also be doing a lot of praying as well. Any advice or input from anyone else out there would also be hugely appreciated.

[Windseeker]

The ultimatums and threats with divorce are emotional abuse. You need to consider what the ultimatum will be next time and the lives it will affect when you have kids. This is not a normal loving relationship. I feel bad for you but people change in marriage.

You will never hear from the Church that you should leave your spouse because he chooses another religion.

[SpringGirl]

There was a new convert that went through the same thing. The husband and wife had been married for years, way before she joined the Church. She was about to go through the Temple when her husband told her he didn't want her to go to church anymore. The Bishop told her not to let the Church break up the marriage. That will most likely be what your Bishop will tell you.

Your husband can never make you stop believing. Hopefully one day he will come around.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Originally Posted by zuko725

he doesn't want our future kids, or me, believing this.

He more or less told me I needed to choose between him or the church.

It seems like you've got a choice to make then. I would suggest that you do not consider kids at all, until you've both reached an agreement both of you can live with for a very long time.

I'm sorry.

[Just_A_Guy]

Originally Posted by Windseeker

The ultimatums and threats with divorce are emotional abuse. You need to consider what the ultimatum will be next time and the lives it will affect when you have kids. This is not a normal loving relationship. I feel bad for you but people change in marriage.

You will never hear from the Church that you should leave your spouse because he chooses another religion.

I concur. His concerns are valid--frankly, you did kind of pull a bait-and-switch on him by marrying him when you were inactive and then suddenly "Mormoning up"--but his response to the situation is also extremely concerning.

At the very least, don't make babies with him until you have this resolved.

[Eowyn]

Who has he been talking to that's undermining his marriage?

[SpringGirl]

I agree with not having children until you make a decision.

[Windseeker]

So what does that mean to choose him over the church?

If you choose him, how do you predict he would react in the future:

- if he discovers you reading the Book of Mormon
- finds out you attend church or a church activity with relatives or friends
- discovers you allowed visiting teachers
- you making friends with members

It just seems when you are forced with an ultimatum, even showing the least interest in or positive reaction to anything that involves the church might be a potential deal breaker in his eyes.

It's very controlling and should be a major warning sign of things to come.

But he can change, I did.

It's not just non-members that do this. But for me the change didn't come quick enough and she was well on her way out the door. I thought I had changed and then I caught myself pulling the divorce card on my current wife and I quickly repented. It's likely it's a bluff and if your tired of it, you might want to surprise him one day with papers and see if he wants to go thru with it. It may be the last time you ever hear about it.

...Well I guess it would be either way..heh

For sure your man is a controller and if he want's to ever be satisified he is going to have to change. NOT YOU.

If he doesn't change I promise you, no matter what decision you make it won't be the last time he threatens you with divorce.

[prisonchaplain]

I'm not LDS and I'm not a bishop...so I can offer counsel contrary to what has been predicted for you. Your husband is asking you to choose. That's absurd. You've already chosen. He needs to choose--accept you as you have grown to be or leave. The passage I quoted in the other string directly relates. Paul predicted that this kind of thing would happen. If the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave--let him go. You cannot hold him. We are called to live in peace. If this happens, you are not under bondage. In evangelical churches we take this to mean that you are free to remarry, since you have been abandoned.

From my perspective, attending church is not letting the church come between you and your marriage. If the issue were time, it might be reasonable to curtail some activities. However, he's asking you to stop believing what you believe. There's no fixing that.

My cautious advice is to tell him that you cannot change what you are, but that you will do your best to love and respect him. If he cannot accept you as you have grown to be then that will be his choice. His concerns are valid. His reasoning is...well, reasonable. But you are who you are. He'll either reconcile himself to this or he won't--but expecting you to abandon your cherished religious beliefs is, imho, obscene.

[Anddenex]

Bishops are counseled not to direct any person toward divorce -- their first hope is to keep a marriage together.

In light of this, divorce is a personal responsibility before the Lord. This way, people are unable to put the blame on any bishop for their choice (e.g. "The bishop said it was OK").

I agree with others who have shared his ultimatum is truly unfortunate and it is a control tactic. Once control is established, the other person will continue to use other means to control your behavior for their peace -- this is true selfishness.

I agree with others, wait to conceive any children until this issue has been resolved.

I also agree with PC, and provide you with this counsel. There are two great commandments. The first is the love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. The second is to love our neighbor as ourselves. Remember the order -- love God first -- love neighbors second.

It appears you need to sit down with your husband, with all your love, and directly approach his controlling behavior. I repeat Windseeker's words for thoughtful consideration:

For sure your man is a controller and if he want's to ever be satisified he is going to have to change. NOT YOU.

If he doesn't change I promise you, no matter what decision you make it won't be the last time he threatens you with divorce.

Remember, you have been given one of God's greatest gifts, and have been told "Receive the Holy Ghost" -- receive it. Allow the Lord to guide your efforts.