Need for advice/reassurance in dealing with an ex

[prospectmom]

Patience isn't only a virtue but necessary .... You need to give her some time and do what I always do to my husband .... I sick God on him :} pray hard about the problem and continue to pray till the situation improves. She knows whats right, she will come around, be patient... also put her name in at the temple..

[FunkyTown]

Unix? You can't make excuses for her and you can't attack her for it, either. You are in a bad position, but what you need to do is back off. Your kids are smart enough to recognize hypocrisy, but you can neither make excuses nor attack her. If you make excuses, your kids will recognize that you're lying to them. If you attack her, they'll resent you because it's their mother.

Seriously. The only thing you can tell them is, "We all have free will to do what we want. We just can't choose the consequences of our actions. You love your mother - Pray that her life is everything she wanted it to be."

[unixknight]

Roger that.

[prospectmom]

WE got your back Uni :} Smile more .... worry less....... Pray more.... Worry less......:}

[unixknight]

Woohoo!

And this was well timed... I just got a call from my eldest and apparently due to complaining on the part of his mom, he's now option out of going to Youth Conference... He assures me that the decision was his, but I know in my heart he did it to try and appease his mom. This is an area in which I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I want to talk to him about it this weekend when he comes down to visit, but I feel I have to walk a very fine line... I want him to stand up for what is the best thing to do but at the same time I don't want to be effectively encouraging him to disregard his mother's authority.

Time for lots and lots of prayer.

[prospectmom]

Youth Conferences are so cool I would encouage him to go but it is up to him.... No guilt trips on your part sounds like he gets enough of those ( from one who has been dubbed Queen of the Guilt Trip by her children).

[Islander]

I feel for those that find themselves in such a situation. I had a friend that divorced and the girls stayed with their mom with every other weekend with dad . Nothing "weird' happened but she walked away from the church and of course took the girls with her. They shifted to a more secular lifestyle with Sunday outings, social drinking, lax parental controls and the like. Soon the girls did not want to spend time with dad since mom always had an "exciting" activity for Sunday.

It's been over 5 years and those girls are as good as gone from the church at age 18-19. They want nothing to do with it and there is nothing to indicate that they will ever return. I am not discounting the possibility but given the fact the they no longer even associate with church members and former friends, it casts a doubt in my mind that such would be the case any time soon.

The older they get the more difficult it becomes to pull them back into the Gospel since the secular social environment offer a lot more seductive and emotionally appealing choices. They have lived for so long away from the Spirit that it no longer influences them. Since their mother has done the same and absolutely hates everything to do with church there no hope in that corner either in terms of support.

My friend's heart broken. His new wife and 2 young children are active in the church but the above remains a constant reminder of his failures (at least in his mind) of the past. He keeps hoping and praying but that is all he can do which given how he feels about it is not much in terms of consolation.

[unixknight]

That's exactly the scenario I want to avoid. I have a pretty strong influence over my sons, but my daughter is her mommy's girl (Although that has suffered as the new boyfriend's daughter has come into the picture and supplanted my daughter a the favorite, at least from her perspective.)

I've already had to sit down with her (she's 8) and reassure her that I love her as much as ever and that I'm incredibly proud of her. The reason: My wife and I have a new baby daughter and I anticipated possible jealousy issues. What didn't help was the day my ex dropped our daughter off, pointed to the new baby and whispered to her "There's your competition."

I tell that story because it seems like I may be facing an active effort on her part to drive a wedge between the kids and me, even as her own relationship with them erodes. I will take the advice I've been given here and hopefully I can report back later that all is well.

Incidentally, since my son isn't going to Youth Conference he's coming here for the weekend. (I can't take him realistically to YC because they live in another state)

[ruthiechan]

That's your competition!? How vile. Ugh.

Ask your son if he's prayed about not going to youth conference. It could be that he feels strongly about staying home because he sees himself as the spiritual leader of his younger siblings and does not believe that they will currently fare well without him.

Funktown was spot on.

You may want to talk to the Grandparents about how much you appreciate them taking your children to church and to please continue to do so.

The primary song search ponder and pray comes to my mind.
Also, find ways to bring hymns into the lives of your children. That way when things are going wrong with their mother they will have their favorite hymns to sing to themselves as comfort.

[Islander]

Unfortunately the ONLY antidote for that kind of active opposition is TIME. I just imagine what a new wife and baby can do in a situation like this. but you have to make time during the week to have them arund, do stuff, tell them as to reassure them. Explain that although a divorce took place it was the adults not being able to solve their differences and not the children. Debunk that theory about the "competition" since it is not true is important. Give them time 1-on-1 as to chat about what's going on.

I would call them every day even a few minutes just to check. Text them, find stuff they find interesting and send it tot them. Do geanology and if they are 12 arrange to go to the Temple with them.

You are going to have to do constantly do damage control by insisting they got o church on Sunday. You may have to arrange for somebody to pick them up and YOU may have to go and pick them up some times and attend with them. I vaguely remember early in the year during our Stake Conference in the Priesthood session stats about this very issue being discussed. Something like 70% of those that divorce and remarry away from the church with small children only 5% find their way back to the church. The odds are not good.

You may have to go and visit with a family and marriage counselor to give you professional advise and a play by play book of dealing with these issues.

My heart goes out to you.