Need for advice/reassurance in dealing with an ex

[unixknight]

I hope maybe someone can relate to this, and I'll do my very best to express the situation is as neutral a tone as I can.

A couple of years ago my wife and I split up, and while we share custody of our 3 children they live with her most of the time. I had gone through a stage where I was inactive in the Church and didn't live the Gospel very well at all, but eventually got back on my feet and found a new wife who has joined the Church and all is well on that front.

The problem is that recently, my ex found a new boyfriend and in no time at all they started to sleep together, justifying it in the eyes of the kids by insisting that nothing immoral is happening. My kids are very uncomfortable with what they see as a thin rationalization of something that ought not to be. Recently she came to me to tell me she'd ceased wearing her garments because she felt that living the Gospel was just too taxing and wanted to not worry about it anymore.

I feel like I'm in a very difficult position because yes, there was a time when I too was setting a lousy example as well, so I feel like while I am now responsible for setting a good example, I feel, at the same time, like a hypocrite. I don't think I can take the moral high ground, but somebody's got to otherwise I fear my kids will lose their testimony. It's true that I'm an example of the forgiveness of the Savior and how it is possible for someone to fall and pick themselves up again, but when the kids spend 90% of their time living with their mom, I feel helpless to take the reins, as it were.

Anybody else experienced anything like this?

[prospectmom]

Haven't experienced the same thing but you have to remain neutral and supportive to your children an their mother no matter what . You can't judge her and sadly even though she is falling away from the church at this time there is no reason no to hope she will return. Your influence on your children is stronger than you think...... Are they still going to church??? Can you take them???? Do the have the church magazines in their home???? ( another way to help keep them connected) Your right you can't judge .

[checkerboy]

Man with a few differences yours and my story are almost identical. My ex-wife decided that she wanted to stop going to church and wearing her garments and whatnot also. She has primary custody of my boys so I see them every other weekend basically. One thing I demanded as far as custody goes was to get them every other Monday night for FHE. That way at least once a week, with going to church and alternating Monday nights, my boys get some sort of religious structure in their lives.

I too had some repenting to do but seeing as my boys are very young they never really understood. The hard part is trying to prove to my ex that things are different now. I know I shouldn't have to prove anything but that is how she is. She thinks that I can't say anything about her new lifestyle because of my old one.

The thing that comforts me is that when I have them I try my best to always set a good example. I try to take the time to get to know them and be a father to them. Do those things and they will always remember what is right regardless of what they are exposed to.

[prospectmom]

Its not just what you do with your children that makes a difference it is how you treat their mother..............

No matter what happened to end your marriage you are forever ( this earth) bonded to their mother. Never talk badly about her in front of them. Be supportive and try not to judge when she makes bad decisions . I can go on but I hope you get what I am trying to say

[unixknight]

Thanks guys.

Yeah I do pretty much those things. I got my ex to form an agreement with me to keep our issues between us and not criticize each other to the kids.

Lately my kids have expressed to me their gladness that I've held up my end of that deal, even as they tell me about how she doesn't.

They're with me every other weekend and so I can get them to church. When they're at home they go with their grandparents, who live in the same home with them and are members. They are getting to church and my oldest is in Seminary, so that much is covered. As I understand it, he even leads his younger siblings in prayer.

I just wish it didn't have to fall to him to take up that slack but he is handling it admirably. It's the younger two I worry about the most.

[prospectmom]

Worry is at tool of Satan.... You pray and do all you can Then give it up to Father in Heaven... Your kids will be alright..... Send a postcard, card, phonecall, email etc... during the week... It is your sons responsibility as the only priesthood holder in the home , this can only help him grow...... all will be well. Work on ending the negative feelings you have for her you can only control you and the example you show will mean so much to your kids.....

[unixknight]

Great suggestions. I will, thanks!

[prospectmom]

I have been through it and all are grown children now..... I know the mistakes I made and what works........

[prospectmom]

My oldest of the youngest graduated in May and my x and his wife came it was wonderful. We have learned to do family things with each other all my younger kids call him Uncle Gary....... we really like him and his wife..... We are so luckey

[unixknight]

See, that's the sort of thing I'd like to have happening, but it seems like my ex's relationship with our kids is being systematically disassembled and I feel like I either have to step in and make excuses for her, or somehow try to distract the kids.

I've already tried talking to her directly about this, but my words carry no weight whatsoever so I got nowhere. I've been thinking about talking to her parents for the kids' sake, but I have little hope that they'd do anything because it might be seen as "getting involved" which they have never done.