Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?

[Hemidakota]

Originally Posted by mutant

Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

If you are supporting her then do it. Being of age of accountability still doesn't give her the right to misuse or abuse parental privileges.

[Alana]

As a former wayward 19 year old, you need to give her some hard love NOW!!! If he is sleeping over, they will have sex. If they haven't yet, they are doing everything but. She is on some dangerous grounds. Ask her, 'honey, when was the last time you said a prayer to Heavenly Father?' The answer won't be 'this morning.' If she is going to act like an adult then you treat her like an adult. No car, no phone, no tuition. If she does act out, it's not your fault AT ALL. She is making stupid choices and it has NOTHING to do with you. The only way you could encourage this is if you said 'well, sex before marriage isn't that big of a deal.' She's 19, in the dorms, she makes her own decisions. Don't support her dumb choices at all and maybe it'll help her wake up. When I wasn't allowed to see my siblings because of my facial piercings I was SO MAD. And so self righteous. But it made me open my eyes a little bit. Even though I still had a way to go before I was ready to make good choices, when I was ready, my parents sticking to their standards made all the difference in the world about how easy it was to turn back.

SO, there is the argument that if she didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. But you do know. She's telling you she's all grown up. Stop supporting her.

[jolee65]

As a mother of a 20 and 18 yr old with the same kind of struggles I wouldnt pay for a darn thing and she has to see how ready she really is to make adult disions how to pay for that car, insurance, gas ,tires, phone all the things shes taking for granted as a given that they just exist and now she'll know what it takes.
Boy did that sound angry lol,...see i wasnt kidding im going through the same thing.

[bmy-]

My girlfriend has never slept in the same bed with me overnight.. but on multiple occasions we've napped for hours together.

We've both talked it over and decided on what our goals were.. and we act accordingly. If your daughter is responsible and mature about it [which doesn't seem to be the case] I'd say let her make her own decisions.

If she's acting like a child.. treat her like a child.

[WANDERER]

Actually it came up once as a discussion between a flatmate...she had sleepovers with her boyfriend...but they weren't doing anything she explained. A good friend, with perhaps a tad more life experience than I had, took her aside and explained that not going all the way, but fooling around, can have unintended consequences...she didn't know. I had assumed not doing anything meant just that...or perhaps it had gone a little further than it should have. In any case, it was disaster waiting to happen. Luckily she had good friends, who all gave her the same information on consequences, even if she wasn't talking about it with her parents. The transition into adulthood is a difficult thing. There IS no bailout plan. Either they can perceive the consequences or they can't and that can have sad outcomes. You can only try to help, it's up to them.

[MarginOfError]

Wow, you guys are incredibly harsh. I'm not sure I see a connection between her actions and the consequences you're suggesting. I mean, Wingnut made a good point

If I dump my clean clothes on the floor, then I have to do my own laundry.

But I don't see the logical progression of If I sleep over with my boyfriend, I have to pay for my own phone.

What's more, the girl is in college. This is exactly where you want her to be at her age. It's quite possible that the majority of her day she is doing what she should be doing at her age, leaving only a portion of her time in question. What we want to be sure we do is apply discipline in a way that encourages the positive behaviors and discourages the negative while maintaining a clear link between cause and effect. We should also consider that she is an adult and is free to make her own decisions.

I would start with grades. If her grades in school dropped below a certain threshold, I would start removing financial support. Make her find the money to pay her own tuition (if she isn't already). But make it clear you aren't going to finance a poor education. If she already pays for the tuition, then you can withdraw financial support via the phone or the car. Again, the point being, that as long as she performs well in school, you'll support her, but if she doesn't, then she needs to support herself.

Next, if she isn't paying rent, then I think it's fair that you can set a curfew. Determine a time at which she needs to be home and have her check in with you. If she doesn't like that rule, then she can pay rent. As a tenant, she may have freedom to come and go as she pleases.

Since it is your house, you can rightfully set rules about who may spend the night, and where they sleep in your house. Make it clear that she and her boyfriend may not, under any circumstances, spend the night in the same bed in your house (if in the same house at all). It's your house, so she has no legal recourse.

Likely, she will choose to spend the night at his place. Personally, I don't think there is much you can do about this one. She is an adult now, and experimentation and stupid decisions will abound. But you can have a good talk about the potential consequences. Even if they aren't having intercourse, they may be doing everything leading to it. Explain that pregnancy and STD's are still possible from these things. Also, encourage her to speak to her physician and/or gynecologist about her actions. But if she chooses to continue the activities, she needs to accept responsibility for contraceptive use as well as the possibility of a pregnancy.

Lastly, if she's going to continue these sleep overs, she should know that you might notify the bishop so that he can determine if any of their actions justify disciplinary action (assuming you're LDS). Depending on what she's doing, if she isn't willing to repent, she should know that she may find her membership in the Church in jeopardy.

I don't advocate these suggestions as the best course of action. This is what I would do if it were my daughter. But if I find my daughter in such a situation, I may alter this plan in a way I feel is appropriate. You know your daughter better than we do, and probably understand how she will react better than we do. But I do encourage you to make the consequences a logical result of her actions.

Finally, and this is of little comfort, she is an adult and may decide she prefers to make poor choices right now. As much as it hurts, let her. Do what you can to encourage good decisions, but give her the freedom to make bad decisions. And while it is okay to express disappointment, don't ever show anger. Always keep those channels of communication available and comfortable.

[Dolly-Mama]

While I see the point of taking her phone away as a consequence of her actions because you pay for it, I think that is probably one of the worst things you can do. That phone is her life line to you. Do what you will with the car, but what happens if something happens between her and this boyfriend that she isnt comfortable with or decides to leave and is without a car, with the rapid disappearance of payphones I would want her to have that phone if she ever needed me, hopefully heading off any other bad decisions she could make.

[Elgama]

I'm not American so it will colour my views on this slightly.

I can't help but feel she is 19 and its time to trust your teaching of her,I assume you are paying for her phone and car because she is going to college? as long as she is going to college, and getting the grades you expect then I think its unfair to remove priviledges she has for doing what you are paying for.

I think you should sit and talk to her, explain you are worried and suggest maybe you go and see your Bishop together for guidelines. I know in the UK 19 is a lot more grown up than in the US, but whilst I didn't do anything I didn't want my parents to know about at college, there is no way they would have had as much information about me as you do about your daughter, and I wonder if you remove financial support will she actually just leave college, and make a far bigger mess of her future?

-Charley

[DeborahC]

Well, I'm amazed that a parent would pay for a 19 year old's phone and car!

I'd be taking away both simply because she needs to learn to support herself!
You're handicapping her, in my opinion, by paying her way... boyfriend or not.

Bottom line is that she's going to do what she wants as far as the boys goes ... she's 19.
She may rebel and move out.. but sounds to me like she can't support herself if she can't pay rent, telephone, or car payments???

I'd cut the apron strings, but I'm a mean old mom ::laughing::

The idea that the phone is "her lifeline to you" is not valid, in my opinion.
After all, generations upon generations up until this current generation have managed to live without cell phones.. quite happily, I'll add!

[pam]

Well, I'm amazed that a parent would pay for a 19 year old's phone and car!

My daughter is 19 and I assist her in paying for her cell phone and gas for her car. She is going to college and is paying this all by herself of which I'm extremely proud. Plus she pays for all her dance instruction for the dance company she belongs to. So the majority of her very small checks are going directly to support her college courses and dance.

Cell phone and gas money is a small price to pay for the comfort of knowing she can contact me at any time if she needs me.