Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?

[DeborahC]

I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.
The one who drives paid for his OWN car.
None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

[john doe]

Originally Posted by DeborahC

I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.
The one who drives paid for his OWN car.
None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

Let's face it, your kids grew up in a far different time than today. And they are grown men, much different than a 19 year-old girl who, due to circumstances, is often in places which can be dangerous in today's world. I will happily pay for my daughter's cell phone until she can afford to pay it herself, if it means she is able to communicate with me instantly if need be.

[ruthiechan]

I would not take away her phone or the car. What if something were to happen and she needed to flee and call you? Would you take away her safety net?

I would not kick her out or use ultimatums. Would you have her feel that her safety net is her boyfriend? Would you cut off her lifeline from her family?

I think it's odd that people are saying you need to cut the apron strings. How many of those people still call their parents for advice? Oh, cut off those apron strings, figure your crap out for yourself...... Hm, I don't like that attitude. It stinks.

I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school. My father in law wasn't able to and that was back in the good ol' days. He joined the army so he could live. I would not have been able to support myself at that age (I'm 29 now), not without moving in with people who were NOT Mormon and would NOT have been the best of influences.

If my mother had kicked me out for having sex with my boyfriend or essentially did for making rules that she knew I would not or could not follow I would not have taken it well at all. I would have left and the wonderful relationship I have with her now would not be there. Yes, I was one of those "adult" girls (19) who had sex before marriage (though I married my boyfriend). Yes, I did it against my parents wishes (and they were very clear on their stance of the choices I was making) and against God's wishes, and yes there were consequences to that (such as not being able to participate in church activities beyond attendance). Yes it led to one helluva repentance process but that DID NOT HAPPEN UNTIL I WAS READY. You CAN NOT FORCE SOMEONE TO REPENT. It MUST come from within, and when that time happens she will need you but if you screw this up she won't come to you and then you really will lose her.

Now, I ask you, have you PRAYED about what course of action to take? The Lord will instruct you on what to do. Read your scriptures so you foster divine inspiration. Love her, show her you love her. Feel compassion towards her. Support her in all her righteous doings. And know there is hope for her no matter what mistakes she may be making now. I am a Temple Worthy Woman now. At the time of my troubles with the law of chastity it didn't seem like to my family I would ever be, but I am now. If there's hope for me, there's hope for your daughter. Prayer, love and true doctrine are the ways to combat this.

[pam]

I really do not understand this fixation that just because you're 18 or 19 years old that you should magically be able to support yourself AND go to school.

Amen Ruthie. It's tough in today's world. The deal I made with my own kids are..as long as they are full time in school they can live at home rent free.

[Wingnut]

Originally Posted by DeborahC

I have three sons: 37, 33, and 28.

Each paid for their OWN college, including the one in college now.
The one who drives paid for his OWN car.
None ever needed a cell phone while they were growing up. ::shrug::

I guess it just is a personal choice.

I'm making a big assumption here, but perhaps the reason that one of your sons (the youngest being 28) is still in college is because he has received no financial support from mom and dad?

If I am making an assumption, and he's in grad school, medical school, going back to school, etc., that is something different. But perhaps he is just "still" in school?

[mightynancy]

I don't think that reaching the age of 19 makes someone magically able to support herself. I do think, however, that wanting to make one's own adult choices in one part of life brings with it the responsibility to take on other adult matters, like paying one's way. It's ridiculous to claim "I'm an adult! I'll choose!" in regards to co-ed sleepovers, but at the same time claim "I'm a child! Pay for my phone!"

[MarginOfError]

Originally Posted by ruthiechan

If my mother had kicked me out for having sex with my boyfriend or essentially did for making rules that she knew I would not or could not follow I would not have taken it well at all.

A valid point, and a good time to bring up to all the parents whose children will turn from adolescents to young adults in the future: the proper time to talk about and set these rules is BEFORE they're in college. In their junior year, when they begin looking at colleges, is the time to start talking about what rules and aspects of your relationship will change when they become young adults.

[Elgama]

Originally Posted by pam

Amen Ruthie. It's tough in today's world. The deal I made with my own kids are..as long as they are full time in school they can live at home rent free.

Another Amen to that I see it as my job to set my kids on the right path part of that is a good education, and that education is ultimately what will help a child who is going down the wrong path have the strength to turn round and make decisions for themselves.

My personal view is if your teachings have failed and had no impact at 19 its a bit late to be taking any action unless she is in anyway endangering other people in the family.

-Charley

[applepansy]

Originally Posted by applepansy

I have always been willing to help support my children as long as they were doing what they were suppose to. However, if they don't follow the rules after age 18... if they are making and acting on adult decisions, then I don't pay for things like phone and car. I don't cut them off. . .I help in other ways and I never withdraw love.

You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with.

applepansy

All four of my children no longer live at home. Of the four only one chose to go to college. My kids paid for their own cars at age 16. . . or rather we were the bank and they made payments on their car.

Cell phones. . . with my older boys they weren't available/affordable or necessary. With my 20yo daughter. I handed her a phone WITH her driver's license at age 16. There were safey issues.

My children have always understood the rules and our standards. They were great kids. . . then they turned 18. And I had an instant WANNABE-adult on my hands who was cocky and disobedient and pushed the limits. My daughter tried to be more diplomatic.

I too told them all that if they were in school I would pay for housing, register their car and cell phone. If they aren't in school. . .get a job. But none of this has to do with the opening post.

The issue of Adult children sleepovers really bothers me. Its wrong. If sex isn't happening it will eventually. In an age when parents didn't discuss sex with their children, my grandfather said "Put them in the same room long enough and they'll figure it out." hmmmmm He was speaking from experience. My children know my rules and sleepovers in the same bed let alone the same room are not allowed. . . you do NOT sleep in the same bed with your "friend" in my HOUSE. End of story. This is one fence my kids have never pushed in my house.

Back to my first post "You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with."

I think that we have become the generation who has enabled our children to not grow up. . . unfortunately we've had a lot of interference from Media, Schools, MTV, etc. A Social Worker told me that today's 20-something were raised by the "village" more than any other generation. SCAREY! And it shows in their actions as a group. . . I pray for the individuals who are trying to rise above the crowd. They are truly valiant spirits.

applepansy

[ruthiechan]

Originally Posted by applepansy

My children know my rules and sleepovers in the same bed let alone the same room are not allowed. . . you do NOT sleep in the same bed with your "friend" in my HOUSE. End of story. This is one fence my kids have never pushed in my house.

This is what the OP said: "Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the DORMITORY would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex." (emphasis added)

So, this whole pedestal of "not in my house" crap that some keep spouting DOES NOT APPLY. Because it's not happening in the OP's house at all. It's happening in her child's DORM ROOM. Hence my commentary above. Take away her phone? Her car? Yeah, that's good. That'll really help if things get out of hand and she LITERALLY needs to flee home.