Should we take away our 19-year-old's phone and car?

[mutant]

Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

[Lbybug]

if she's living in your house you have every right to tell her no. if she chooses to move out because she can't follow your rules, that's her choice. she's 19. but it is your house. your roof. if you're paying for her phone and car you have every right to take it away. although i don't see how that helps solve the problem, i'd think it would just make her lash out more.

i'd sit down with her and set ground rules. and if she can't follow them, she would have to choose to live else where.

just my opinion.

[ztodd]

Originally Posted by mutant

Our 19-year-old daughter has been the pinnacle of perfection all through high school and her first year in college at a state college. While she was there, other girls in the dormitory would "sleep" with their boyfriends (not having sex, so she says). So now our daughter is having sleepovers with her boyfriend in the same bed and claiming their not having sex. The boyfriend is 8 years older and divorced and a convert who had admitted to having sex with about 8 other girls. Now, our question is, should we put up with this. It seems counterproductive to throw her out. It seems stupid to do nothing. We're contemplating taking away her phone and car which we pay for. We also wonder if she wouldn't just get angry and move in with him. When we talk to her about this she is giggly about the whole thing and basically ignores us and sneaks out of the house to continue the nocturnal activity. Has anyone else had this problem and figured out a way to deal with it?

Thanks!

Hello mutant, welcome... are you an active member of the church? I'm only asking because if you are then when you talk to your daughter you'll have the church's teachings to help you discuss her values. But whether you are or not, it's always a good time to discuss what's important to her value system and find out how she feels about the sacredness of having sex at the right time with the right person.

[nc31410]

I think that if she doesn't agree to what rules are layed down, instead of taking her car away, have her pay for it. She feels like she is old enough to just to not obey the rules, then maybe she should just pay for her own things, that way she can one...choose to obey your rules, which by the way i think is really dumb that just cuz her friends had sleepovers with thier bfs doesn't mean she should do it too. if anything it just makes her look like "S**T" so You have every right to want to punish her

[skalenfehl]

As a father of former teenagers, one of whom I kicked out of my house for bringing girls and booze into my home, I can tell you that just as Father in Heaven has a prescribed set of consequences for commandments broken, so should we. Your house rules should be respected and she should act her age. My advice is to lovingly and firmly make her understand that she is not a child anymore and is not welcome in your home if she will not abide by your rules. She is bound to do what she wants and you can only be there for her, but the time for raising her is past. It is time that she understands that governing herself means making correct choices and living with them. Otherwise you will be the one suffering for her mistakes. I know. I wouldn't "enable" her further with privileges until she understands her boundaries.

[Wingnut]

Personally, I don't think you should be paying for her phone and car to begin with, but that's not my point.

I think it sounds like she does need some consequences for breaking house rules, but they ought to have more to do with the rule in question. When I was a teenager and slammed my bedroom door (which was against the rules in our house), my mom had my dad take the door off its hinges for a week. I just didn't have a door. When I was 10, she found a pile of clean laundry dumped on the floor in my closet (laundry she had washed, dried, and folded, and given to me to put away). After that I started doing my own laundry. One time she took away my mattress for a week, and I had to sleep on the floor (I don't remember what my offense was this time). You could do something like that. If she's going to disobey house rules regarding her bed (mattress) or bedroom (door), simply remove them. Perhaps a week without them will teach her their value.

Or perhaps it might teach her to sneak out the window, which is also her choice.

[RachelleDrew]

A nineteen year old shouldn't be depending on mommy and daddy for non-necessities like a car and phone anyway. But that's neither here nor there.

Not only would I take away those things, but I would sit down and have a VERY frank, open conversation with her. There is no way she is not having sex with her boyfriend. I conned my parents into believing that one too when I was her age.

You may not be able to stop her from doing it elsewhere, but you certainly don't have to enable it. You guys have to have an honest conversation about this with her, because while she may continue to do it (and at 19 you can't really prevent her from doing it) you have an obligation to make sure she hasn't gotten some STD from this guy. He's been with several partners, her risk factor is high.

So long as she is dependent upon you financially, you most certainly make the rules.

[lilered]

My view; I believe that when teenagers reach this age they should have already learned respect for their parents. They should have a few basic rules and suffer the consequences if they don't adhere to them. They should be punished but never to the point that they are cornered and have no way out. Her recent actions which are a source of worry would indicate she is starting to head down a path that may lead to serious sin. Therefore, I would suggest that you sit her down, explain the dangers, your concerns, and that at if she insists on persuing this lifestyle, she is indiating to you that she wants to make all of her own decisions. Therefore, she will have to suffer those consequences which include loss of her car , phone, and even perhaps her parents paying for her college education. Let her make the choice.

Hi Mutant,

Sorry to be the one who offers this

You have a 19 year old daughter who is having " sleep overs " in the dorm with her boyfriend ( 27 )!!! You are thinking of taking her phone away

A VERY DANGEROUS time for your child and IMHO you have a responsibilty to guide and parent at this crutial time in your daughter's life.

To be clear ( to focus on a serious choices issue ) certainly you don't think your daughter and her 27 year old boyfriend are coloring at these sleep overs, do you ???

YOU MUST, IMHO, Speak to her about the choices and potential life long ramifications these actions have!!! ( sorry to be so blunt but this calls for bluntness !!!)

God bless,
Carl

[applepansy]

I have always been willing to help support my children as long as they were doing what they were suppose to. However, if they don't follow the rules after age 18... if they are making and acting on adult decisions, then I don't pay for things like phone and car. I don't cut them off. . .I help in other ways and I never withdraw love.

You can love her without supporting her financially in a lifestyle you don't agree with.

applepansy