Finally Married, but question re Niece

SeattleTruthSeeker · #1 (**permalink**) 01-14-2009, 07:55 PM

I have been absence for some time from this board - and I hope that this is the place where I could post this question here.

Yes, I am recently married to the lady I have been seeing/living with for the past two years. Our Bishop performed the ceremony (and it was a very small ceremony).

But....

My question is regarding her younger niece. She just turned 3 years of age and we have been caring for her and her older brother who will be 4 in a couple days.

Every morning, she would come into our room and wake me up. There were a handful of mornings where my wife will be up and working on the computer and Angela, the niece, would come into the bedroom and wake me up asking for oatmeal or cereal. While I do not mind doing it during the week because my wife is usually up and getting ready for work herself, this happens on the weekends.

Why is it? Why does she come to me when my wife is up and she could go to my wife? I am not complaining, don't get me wrong. But it is starting to concern me some because my father-in-law made the comment that I am the one who is always taking care of her, getting the kids up and ready for school, getting them from daycare, getting them dinner made, getting them their bath and into the shower. While I understand that because I am out of work at the moment, there are needs with our apartment and these kids that taking much of my time. Yet, it is seven days a week where I am up no earlier than 5 and no later than 7.

My wife became upset at this comment because (as she related to me) she felt that I am making it out that I am doing more than she is doing and she is working full time, doing her party lite business and is the PTSA president. I understand she is busy, and we are starting to work on becoming a solidified family unit here and start making our home a gospel centered home.

So, my question - why does Angela come to me every morning even when my wife is up and has been up for some time and could get Angela her breakfast. Any suggestions? Comments?

miztrniceguy · #2 (**permalink**) 01-14-2009, 08:12 PM

Ask your wife if she would mind closing your bedroom door on the mornings she is up before you. Offer her the same courtesy. Teach the children not to go in if the door is closed and an adult is up.

Gwen · #3 (**permalink**) 01-14-2009, 08:34 PM

lol (i'm laughing with you i promise)

i think this is a common issue for the parent that does the main child care. i know it drives me crazy when i go to the bathroom and i've got kids knocking on the door (i can't have 3 min?) asking me to get them a drink when i know daddy is standing in the kitchen. something isn't adding up there. lol i just ask if daddy is in the kitchen (i already know the answer is yes) and then ask if it would make more since to ask him. they usually laugh and go ask daddy. i figure eventually they will get the idea and ask the one who is standing there.

guess i'm not much help with a solution but you aren't alone if that helps any.

Maureen · #4 (**permalink**) 01-14-2009, 11:44 PM

I agree with Gwen. If you have been the main caregiver, it's just natural that the kids will ask you first for anything they need. You just need to make adjustments with your wife about how to take care of the kids together.

M.

john doe · #5 (**permalink**) 01-14-2009, 11:58 PM

Be careful that you don't take it out on the kids. They're just hungry and the best way they know how to be fed is to go to the most reliable source. Yep, you're mister reliable. I've said it before, marriage is not a 50-50 deal, it's a 100-100 deal. It's not always easy, but it's definitely worth it.

SeattleTruthSeeker · #6 (**permalink**) 01-15-2009, 12:51 AM

Thank you everyone. My wife and I discussed this (for I had admitted to her I posted this question here) and after a few chuckles, she stated that it would not matter if the door is shut, they will open it and come in and wake me up.

I don't mind doing it, I just would like a day where I can sleep in.. miss those days lol. But, having them here the past 6 months have definitely been a blessing for the both of us.

Thank you all for replying.

Iggy · #7 (**permalink**) 01-15-2009, 01:00 AM

Ask her why she wakes you up to get her breakfast?

When I was little, on Friday nights, I used to force myself to stay awake until Mom finally fell asleep at the kitchen table. Then I would go downstairs and sleep on the couch or in Dad's recliner.

Dad worked nights, and Mom wouldn't go to bed until after he came home and all of us were off to school, or on Sat & Suns, Grandma would take over caring for us all.

The reason I did this is if we got up when Dad got home and asked him to cook breakfast, he would fix Buckwheat Pancakes and eggs. We LOVED his buckwheat pancakes. Actually I would have eaten mud pie pancakes if Dad cooked them.

He told stories as he cooked and when he washed dishes with us helping. I loved to listen to him. I absolutely loved his voice and the expressions on his face.

He was a good cook too - Mom would make marshmallow syrup to go with his pancakes.

So maybe she loves your food- or loves listening to you talk- or just plain loves you.

Ask her.

Hemidakota · #8 (**permalink**) 01-15-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeattleTruthSeeker

I have been absence for some time from this board - and I hope that this is the place where I could post this question here.

Yes, I am recently married to the lady I have been seeing/living with for the past two years. Our Bishop performed the ceremony (and it was a very small ceremony).

But....

My question is regarding her younger niece. She just turned 3 years of age and we have been caring for her and her older brother who will be 4 in a couple days.

Every morning, she would come into our room and wake me up. There were a handful of mornings where my wife will be up and working on the computer and Angela, the niece, would come into the bedroom and wake me up asking for oatmeal or cereal. While I do not mind doing it during the week because my wife is usually up and getting ready for work herself, this happens on the weekends.

Why is it? Why does she come to me when my wife is up and she could go to my wife? I am not complaining, don't get me wrong. But it is starting to concern me some because my father-in-law made the comment that I am the one who is always taking care of her, getting the kids up and ready for school, getting them from daycare, getting them dinner made, getting them their bath and into the shower. While I understand that because I am out of work at the moment, there are needs with our apartment and these kids that taking much of my time. Yet, it is seven days a week where I am up no earlier than 5 and no later than 7.

My wife became upset at this comment because (as she related to me) she felt that I am making it out that I am doing more than she is doing and she is working full time, doing her party lite business and is the PTSA president. I understand she is busy, and we are starting to work on becoming a solidified family unit here and start making our home a gospel centered home.

So, my question - 1) why does Angela come to me every morning even when my wife is up and has been up for some time and could get Angela her breakfast. 2) How can I get my wife to recognize that while we both have our responsibilities and chores, it seems that she is neglecting her niece and nephew and I am constantly spending time with them, sitting down with them to work on writing techniques, learning ABC's, having some quality play time or quiet time.

Any suggestions? Comments?

It is being a FATHER figure in her life. You will be surprise how they react to a male versus female. I have six daughters and they treat me different than my wife. Even she notes this.

You need to be an example first before making any comments to her. Then later through your examples you can reveal her role as a mother vice the world. Hopefully, she is seeking in becoming a better mother and remolding her own character.

Let me ask you, why did you choose in not being married in the temple?

Alana · #9 (**permalink**) 01-15-2009, 10:28 AM

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, and it doesnt' matter how available my husband is, the kids always ask me to get their drinks and food. I could be in the bathroom, throwing up, and my husband could be in the kitchen with milk in hand and they'll still ask me. I tell them 'go ask dad, he's just as good at getting you stuff as me' and they get this look like it had never occured to them before. Sometimes if they are tired it has to be ME... so anyways, just saying, don't worry that she asks you. She sees you as the provider. Chances are in 6 months that will change, then change again.

As for your wife, we all have different parenting techniques. My husband and I do things differently. At first it irked me he didn't do the things that I deemed so important. It was like, does the tv need to be on? WHy don't you read to them? Well, he could also say why don't I play video games with them? Why don't I wrestle with them? What's wrong with eating in the living room? WHy can't I just have more fun?

Anyways. If it's a time issue, ask her to help out more. If it's a technique issue, figure out if it's something you want to change or NEED to change. If it's a want, let it go. But for the time issue, uhhh, I'm still working on being 'equally yoked' myself, and a lot of that has to do with myself stressing myself out about what I have to do.

Best of luck.

SeattleTruthSeeker · #10 (**permalink**) 01-15-2009, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hemidakota

It is being a FATHER figure in her life. You will be surprise how they react to a male versus female. I have six daughters and they treat me different than my wife. Even she notes this.

You need to be an example first before making any comments to her. Then later through your examples you can reveal her role as a mother vice the world. Hopefully, she is seeking in becoming a better mother and remolding her own character.

Let me ask you, why did you choose in not being married in the temple?

Understandable so. Both, my wife and I, agree that having her niece and nephew here with us has given me much missed opportunities in being a Father for the first time and I have three children of my own (my two youngest I have no idea where they are. Every time I made attempts to locate and contact them to establish visitation, they disappear and I spend more time and resources to locate them again and the courts have been no help unless I spend the money that I never have and we never have to take them to court and secure enforcement for my visits. This is still being worked out).

As for why we had chosen not to marry in the temple. 1) she is still sealed to her ex husband. 2) we both lived together for the majority of our relationship (and the Bishop and stake president are well aware of our situation). Originally we had planned on marrying this coming August, but our Bishop had challenged us to seriously consider marrying sooner so that we both could return back into full fellowship. We both have to go through our own disciplinary council. My wife actually has already set a date for us to be married in the temple next year.