"Immodest" Dance Outfits: Much Ado About Nothing?

[Janice]

Ok, I need a reality check here.

There is a new family that just moved into the ward. There kids are close in age and gender to my own, and NewMom and I have been hitting it off. The first chink in our potential friendship came recently when we went together with our young daughters (ages 9 and 11) to investigate a dance studio she discovered. (Kudos to her! She found a studio in a month that I had not found in 12 years!) We were scouting it out to see if we wanted our girls to join.

NewMom, NewDaughter, myself, and my daughter had only been there a matter of seconds... literally, we had barely breached the doorstep, when NewMom says, "This is not going to work. Let's go."

I was confused. "Huh?" I asked.

"LOOK!" she said, nodding in the direction of a pack of girls only slightly older then ours heavily stooped in the midst of a lesson with a pleasant looking teacher. I looked. I saw... a pack of girls only slightly older then ours heavily stooped in the midst of a lesson with a pleasant looking teacher. They were all having a great time, and in the brief moment I looked, I could tell the teacher was patient, kind, and skilled at keeping the attention of squirmy children.

Then I looked at her, not bothering to hide my confusion.

"... at the OUTFITS!" she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. I looked again, and I knew, with a sinking feeling in my gut, what she meant. The sinking feeling was not, I must mention, because of the outfits, but because of her reaction to them. They were what I would call very normal dance outfits, something like a modest one piece swim suit, but with enough cut out to display most of the back. Some of the girls were wearing tutus, some were not.

I knew without her saying that she found them immodest. I also knew that I saw nothing wrong with them. And I was frustrated that she was ready to turn around and walk right back out the door because of the outfits.

So... I need to know.... who's the screwball here? Me, or her? What would you have done in my shoes?

[FunkyTown]

Do not place a stumbling block in front of your brother.

I say "Meh. It's not important." but she apparently does. I'd draw your own conclusions with prayer and, if you don't have a problem, just don't tell her about it. No reason to start a contention.

[Lbybug]

would you pull your kid from a swimming lesson because some of the swimsuits were immodest? or gymnastics?

i was in dance growing up. we wore tights and bodysuits.

my mom had more of a problem with the amount of makeup they wanted us to wear to the recitals than with the outfits. but to each their own i suppose.

[mightynancy]

She is.

What would I have done? Well, I'm decisive about what I will or won't do, and I love a good debate. I'd have said, "What about the outfits?" They sound like standard leotards. My daughter has taken dance for years, and I'm more watchful about the moves than the outfits...her outfits have always been plain leotards, with or without skirts, short or long sleeved. When I was scouting out teachers, I looked for age-appropriate dance moves and environment.

[Honor]

OH... MY.... GOSH.... You would be ok with your daughter showing her back in dance class?!?!?!?! JK I thought that this was usually the place where someone HAS to have a contradicting opinion to those previously given, but I'm thinking I'm not cut out for that position.
I think it's a personal choice. If she felt uncomfortable with it, that's fine. If you're ok with it, that's fine too. What I think I'd do differently would be my reaction in her shoes. Calling attention and causing a scene is not the way to go IMO. I guess I take after my mother (totally Miss Manners) who always took time after the fact to speak with us if something happened that was inappropriate, but she was always as polite and gracious to anyone she came in contact with. Just as Miss Manners would say, "Calling attention to someone else's bad manners IS bad manners". I think the same goes for pointing out someone else's standards that are not the same as yours. That's my take.

[Dr T]

honor Honor-U R SUCH a trouble maker!

[applepansy]

i took dance classes from Virginia Tanner at the UofU 45 years ago. . . our tights had low backs. Scandalous back in 1963. . . But then I heard Virginia H. Pearce in one of her talks say something about taking dance classes from Virginia Tanner. Sis Pearce mentioned our Ginny gowns. . . fond memory. I still have mine.

I guess I don't have a problem with the dance outfits.

Remember the short Basketball shorts the men used to wear for church ball? (Oh my! I'm really dating myself here!!!) That was the uniform and thus ok as long as after the game they showered and changed back into regular clothing. I remember there being a discussion in our ward about it and the bishop taking it to the Regional Rep (would be a Seventy today) who lived in our ward. The answer. . .its a uniform for a sport, like a swim suit for competitive swimming.

Her reaction was fine for her. You can decide for your daughter. Having the discussion in public wasn't ok on her part. She could have still checked out the school and the later discussed her concerns with you in private.

applepansy

[Wingnut]

OH my gosh, I'm totally with Honor on this. The girls should be wearing full body suits to dance in. Those allow for great freedom of movement and expression, and they show off great form, plus they breath sooooo much better for sweaty (ahem, perspiring) little girls who are working their tails off.

I am truly disgusted with people who allow their children to dance in leotards.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

We looked for quite a while to find a dance organization with a bit more modest attire than the standard-to-daring stuff you find everywhere. We found Irish Dance.

I got no problem with folks who choose differently.

Why the chink in the potential friendship?

LM

[Janice]

Thanks for all the comments. That was more then I expected! I realize from what everyone said that I should have explained a little more about what happened next.

Honors, you are right, calling attention to someone's bad manners IS bad manners, but NewMom was not being rude, she was being discrete about pointing out what she thought were immodest outfits. And when she did, I simply said, "Oh. Okay" and then we left.

Loudmouth, why the chink in our budding friendship? Good question. But please note I didn't way it was the end of our friendship. Not by a country mile. It was just the first time we'd found something on which we didn't see eye to eye.

On the way home we had a long talk about modesty. I asked her (nicely) as soon as we got in the minivan why she was opposed to the outfits. Turns out she had her kids enrolled in a dance studio back in Utah that advertised themselves as "modest", and was more of a Western style studio, so the boys wore jeans, cowboy boots and long sleeve shirts, while the girls wore full length frilly dresses with long sleeves. She said she deeply appreciated how modest the outfits were, and would not feel comfortable having her little girl "prance around the stage" (her words) in a tight outfit that revealed every curve of her body.

I shared my thoughts too. I said that I view modesty as a question of behavior. Sure, clothing is part of modesty, but a rather small part of the big picture. Modesty has to do with not calling undo attention to yourself. So when teaching modesty to our kids, we teach them things like: don't brag, don't be prideful, listen more then you talk, say 'please' and 'thank you', keep yourself clean, and wear clothing that is clean and does not call attention to itself.

Showing "too much skin", to be honest, is something we kinda overlook. At home our kids (daughter nine, daughter six, and son three) love to play in their undies, sometimes even less. When we bake cookies (which is often) we make a right proper mess, and they usually start off in undies and a t-shirt and will sometimes be buck naked by the time the process is done. When they go outside to play they wear a little more, but not much, and it is not uncommon for them to wander back into the house with clothing in hand and not on body. (NewMom was aghast at all of this!)

For school and church, of course, we dress them modestly... which means neat, clean clothing that does call attention to them be being either too cheap, too expensive, to old, too wrinkly, or yes, too skimpy. Sleeveless dresses to church? No problem. They are kids! Let them be kids!

Leotards in dance? What's the problem? Shows to many body curves? Who cares! God gave them those curves! While I am not going to teach my kids to flaunt them, I am also not going to teach them to be ashamed.

What do you all think?