When to give 'The Talk'

[anatess]

First of all - HERE'S BIG HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!

My opinion will not be helpful to you because your kid is already turning 10...

I believe in open communication for anything in my house. When I was growing up, any talk related to sexual body parts are taboo. Needless to say, I never had a "talk". When I got my period at age 11, I thought I was dying. I went to my mother in a panic and her answer was to hand me a box of sanitary pads and to read the directions. I am not kidding. I wouldn't want to repeat my early teens. I hated it - the feeling of always being confused, not knowing which story my friends are saying is true or teasing. My younger sister had an easier time since I "blazed the trail" for her.

Therefore, I am vehement in my belief that my sons can ask me any question they want and I'll figure out an answer. My eldest is 7 years old and he has already asked me how exactly did he get into my tummy and how did I take him out. Both my kids are c-section, so it was easy to explain how they got out. The putting in, I told him about his daddy and I falling in love and getting married and how our love was so strong we had a baby. When that answer is not enough to satisfy him anymore, I will fill in with more details. We've already discussed kissing and nudity and all that...

Anyway, I believe "the talk" is not a - one day I'm going to sit down and explain everything - deal. I think it is a progression - just like line upon line precept upon precept - from when they start to ask questions.

[Hemidakota]

We start very early and by the time they reach 12, they have enough understanding of what constitutes sex/sexual behavior, GOD laws concerning such, and not to date until they are either mature enough or reach the age of 16.

[its_Chet]

I first heard "the Queen Mother of all dirty words" when I was 10, in a Catholic school, from a couple of my classmates. I asked them what that word meant, and they told the teacher that I had used it and pretended to be completely innocent of everything. The teacher believed them, and expressed doubt that I had never heard the word before. She told me to ask my parents about it when I got home and I had no idea why she was so adamant about me not repeating it again in the meantime. Boy was she angry!

That evening, my Dad "fessed up". I got the whole talk. All I could think of at the end was that it was one of the grossest things I'd ever heard of, and I assured myself that I'd never do something so.... eeeeeewwww!!!

And then I turned 12. And things became very different.

Well before all of that, back when I was, say 8 or 9, there had been some discussion among my aunts about a friend of my Mom's who had been living with a man and they were not married. One of my aunts told me that what they were doing was wrong, and a sin. In my mind, this was exclusively limited to the concept of a man and a woman living in the same house and not being married. I wondered if it had something to do with the mortgage or chores. I had no idea about the carnal aspect of it. I think this was some of the most important advice I've ever been given. She didn't say why it was wrong for them to live together. But I eventually came to understand that there was such a thing as a law of chastity. When kids at school scorned such an idea and claimed that any and all unchaste behavior was in fact, not sinful, I had my doubts.

If it weren't for my aunt, I might have believed those kids at school. I think that the key thing was that she told me that a sin was sinful without telling me what that sin was. I was too young for "the talk", but I wasn't too young to be told that it's a sin for an unmarried man and woman to live together, even if they're doing it on "Three's Company".

[Heavenguard]

Now, let's see...

I learned about the physical elements of baby-making when I was in the first grade, it was part of the school program (for your reference: Canada, Catholic school). Some parts were taught by the teacher, and some at home by parents, with the same book - with anatomical drawing! But nobody really taught the 'moral' aspect to it, I think. In Gr. 7, I remember there was stuff about puberty, what's your period, that sort of stuff. But again, I can't say that there was a moral aspect to it.

I wouldn't be able to tell you who taught me to abstain till marriage, really. But I did grow up in the Catholic school system till I was 17, and in my church from 6 till now - I'm sure I picked it up somewhere along the way. I do remember who taught me to respect romantic relationships, though. I was about 12 or 13, and the person said something like: Treat your other person the way you would have wanted his last girlfriend (or boyfriend - I'm a girl) to have treated him. Do you want a guy that another girl has been all over? No, you don't. And you never know - any current relationship might end. He may have to face his special someone later - do you want to be the person that "ruins" that?

It meant a lot more to me then than it does to kids now, though, unfortunately. My kids that are about that same age now laugh at things like respect, it actually makes me sad and disappointed.

Btw, I'm 23, and my mom only decided to have "the talk" with me about 2 weeks ago. It went something like this: It's okay that you're dating, just don't get into bed with him. You haven't already, have you?

I later told her that she was about 10 years late in being a parent to me, and that by this point, any ideas I would have had regarding the topic would not have been swayed by her pitifully sad attempt at doing so. Spiteful? Yeah, a little. I do harbour some resentment that my mom didn't do very much to parent me when I was younger, but will do stuff like that now.

[Alana]

I was raised by my dad until I was 10, then by him and my 'step mom' (totally think of her just as 'mom') Anyways, my dad did a good job explaining things to me, when it came up through out the years. He was so uncomfortable though, that it made me uncomfortable. Now I'm worried about being so uncomfortable, that it makes me uncomfortable. Jeese, like trying not to think about pink elephants. Anyways. Once kids are in school, they begin to notice different things between boys and girls, at least I did. I'm glad I knew what body parts were called, even the ones I didn't have. When I was 10 I got a 'your body' talk about my mom, about periods and such. She asked if I knew what sex was. I said yes. Not sure how I knew. I guess I just knew we had these body parts and that they were special and that they were part of the deal.

Oh and whatever you do, don't tell girls that guys only want one thing and that you can't trust any of them. Other than that, I did ok.

[its_Chet]

Originally Posted by Heavenguard

I wouldn't be able to tell you who taught me to abstain till marriage, really. But I did grow up in the Catholic school system till I was 17, and in my church from 6 till now - I'm sure I picked it up somewhere along the way. I do remember who taught me to respect romantic relationships, though. I was about 12 or 13, and the person said something like: Treat your other person the way you would have wanted his last girlfriend (or boyfriend - I'm a girl) to have treated him. Do you want a guy that another girl has been all over? No, you don't. And you never know - any current relationship might end. He may have to face his special someone later - do you want to be the person that "ruins" that?

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

[macpcmommy]

I don't remember having "the talk" with my parents. Sex Ed in my school was in the 6th grade if I remember right. I do remember my dad telling me a few times to wait until I was married before having sex. I wasn't a member of the Church then, so I wasn't really taught why I should wait or why staying chaste is so important. Now that I have learned those things, that is what I want to emphasize the most. It's a good idea to prepare how you will discuss the physical parts of sex or conception, but don't write a script. Keep it conversational and natural. That way the discussion isn't (any more) awkward for you or your child.

[ruthiechan]

Talisyn, here's a post a made on my site about a conversation I had with my six year old on how babies come out. How Do Babies Come Out? | Ruthiechan.net

I think the trick is to be as clear and matter of fact as possible.

Originally Posted by hordak

I never got mine

But what is the average age? I have heard it was happening earlier due to hormones in milk.

I believe it is, which is why we drink organic milk.
My daughter, at age ONE had tiny breast buds, which is what happens before a girl starts to develop breasts. We noticed them before I stopped breast feeding which was at 14 months. The buds were still there six months later. She went to a hormone specialist and it was determined to be the hormones in milk. We switched to organic. At her year check up on this particular issue the breast buds were gone.

[talisyn]

Originally Posted by its_Chet

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

ummm...

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Originally Posted by talisyn

ummm...

Ditto.

Originally Posted by its_Chet

God bless you. How I wish someone could have said something like that to my wife when she was a child! I cannot describe the emotional damage I've suffered and the scars that will accompany me to my deathbed. It really sucks to know that the candy store was repeatedly and enthusiastically looted before you showed up to PAY for yours, and to feel like the shelves are bare as a result. I bought the cow, only to learn that the milk was gone, stolen by thieves who came before me. And now there is little or none left for me, though I paid for it.

If the Church isn't already making this point (discretely, of course) with the youth, I strongly hope it will start.

If YOU have emotional scars because your wife isn't perfect, you seriously need a reality check. Nobody's perfect, everybody makes mistakes and if you can't forgive your wife for hers - or her ex's for theirs - IMO you're going to have a hard time reaching exhaltation.

And yes, the church does and has always made this point with the youth. But the very young do not always do what they're told. And that, my friend, is where the Atonement comes in.