Help After the Baby is Born

[ViolinGirl]

I'm expecting my first baby this fall. My husband told me yesterday that his sister wants to come visit after I give birth and help out for awhile. I told him that I didn't care if she comes, but I requested that she stay at a hotel. He didn't seem to think it was an issue to have her staying at the house, but the last thing I want to have to worry about while I'm trying to figure out how to care for a newborn is cooking meals and cleaning the house for a house guest. I understand that she is family and I do like her, but all I can do is picture myself being tired from all the night time feedings and taking care of the baby and house while husband is at work. And I think that time should be mine to spend with the baby to find a routine and get settled into parenting. Am I really off-base on my thinking? Am I being selfish?

[beefche]

If she is there to help you out, then wouldn't she be doing the cleaning and cooking? If not, then what is she helping you with?

[Jenamarie]

Originally Posted by beefche

If she is there to help you out, then wouldn't she be doing the cleaning and cooking? If not, then what is she helping you with?

Ya, find out exactly what she means by "helping out". My SIL came to stay with us after each of our babies was born, and was a HUGE help! She folded the laundry, did the dishes, cooked some meals and/or took care of the baby's needs while DH or I did that, she watched the baby while I rested or got in some "me time". It was great! It wasn't a host/guest relationship at all. She truly was a huge help.

[pam]

My mother in law came to stay with us when my twins were born. The only thing she would help out with is feeding them. I did all the cooking, cleaning and everything else that needed to be done even after a C-section and both boys being in NICU.

I finally drew the line when she brought me down a basket of her clothes to wash. I told her I would show her how to use the washer and dryer. She took the clothes back and I noticed after that she handwashed what she needed in the bathroom sink.

Six weeks was long enough. Found out she had planned on staying for 6 months. The next week we had her on a plane back home.

[ViolinGirl]

Unfortunately, husband wasn't very specific as to how long she planned on staying. I probably need to find out. I'm the kind of person who would rather be alone and just do what I have to do and not worry about anyone else.

[pam]

Originally Posted by ViolinGirl

Unfortunately, husband wasn't very specific as to how long she planned on staying. I probably need to find out. I'm the kind of person who would rather be alone and just do what I have to do and not worry about anyone else.

That's exactly how I am so I can totally relate to you right now.

[ViolinGirl]

Thanks, Pam. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

[Eowyn]

Me three. Especially with in-laws.

[applepansy]

Me four... most especially with inlaws.

Speak with your SIL yourself if she's set on coming. Set some expectations before she gets there.

[Eowyn]

Originally Posted by pam

My mother in law came to stay with us when my twins were born. The only thing she would help out with is feeding them. I did all the cooking, cleaning and everything else that needed to be done even after a C-section and both boys being in NICU.

I finally drew the line when she brought me down a basket of her clothes to wash. I told her I would show her how to use the washer and dryer. She took the clothes back and I noticed after that she handwashed what she needed in the bathroom sink.

Six weeks was long enough. Found out she had planned on staying for 6 months. The next week we had her on a plane back home.

I was just thinking of how I've been in similar positions before. It makes my blood boil to think about. But now that I'm older, wiser, and markedly ornery-er, I've learned something. No one can make me do anything. No one can force me to cook their dinner, or clean up after them, or anything else. If I were in a place like this, I would clean up after myself and the babies only as much as I had to, and that's it. At dinner time, I'd start making assignments, and if no one helped I'd make myself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal, and corn dogs for my kids. I'd ask MIL to throw a load of baby clothes in. She might or might not, but she'd get the point that she wasn't there to have the full-service hotel experience and that I was expecting help. Worst-case scenario, she'd start helping. Best case, she'd leave.