Sleepovers

[Annabelli]

My wife and I are dead set against our kids having sleep overs, whether it be at someone else's house or our own. These days it is just way to risky. Even if you know the home you are sending your kids to, even if they are members of the church, it does not mean nothing will happen. There are usually older siblings of the opposite sex and parents in the house with them. I won't allow them in my house because I wouldn't want members of my family to be tempted to do those things, or even to be accused of them.

Are we the only ones who feel this way?
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Do your parent homework:

You need more guidelines for sleep overs than you do for teen dating. Your concerns are very valid. My first rule for sleep overs: (my rules were made up as we went along and the experiences that we incurred!)

#0: Find out who lives in the home. Is it just parents and their kids? Do they have relatives who live their also? And do they have adult friends who frequently visit and sometimes stay over.

#00: Get an address book for your child's friends' parents and not only get the home phone number but cell numbers too. This is not just for sleep overs but for your child visiting there. Some parents will invite your child to go with them to rent movies...etc and may not call and ask you.

#00A: You should also make a record in your address book of the parents' vehicles make/model and license plate numbers.

#00B: You should meet the parents and know what they look like.

#1 Never allow your child to sleep over if their parents do not communicate with you, the parent. I don't care how popular the family is.

#2 Never drop your kid off. Always escort them to the front door and step inside and greet the parents. If the parents don't want you to come in, take your kid and leave.

#3 Never let your child leave school, church, grocery store, water park, baseball game...etc for a sleep over. Take your child home and call the parents with a yes or no.

#4 Never allow your child to sleep over with a friend who they just met. We have a three (3) month rule! After you and your child has known the family for three months then decide. This discourages a lot of weirdos!!!

#5 If their classmates invite them to a birthday/sleep over and you do not know the parents, call the parents and then call the teacher and ask for references. (Many kids will be invited to the birthday party and only a few will be invited to stay for the sleep over). Get telephone numbers!!! Get your kid a cell phone and teach them how to use it.

#6 For scouting trips...etc, if the people in charge of the trip are too busy to give you the information that you need and too busy to answer questions and treat you like a dummy, Do Not Send Your Child On The Trip!

#7 Always give your kid your home telephone number and cell number in case of an emergency and teach them how to use a public pay phone and how to dial the police. Make sure they have a small flashlight because some people do not have night lights.

#8 Have a definite schedule for picking up your child and you should pick them up no later than 10 a.m. No extended stays!

The children who are the most excited about sleep overs are children grades K-3.

There are plenty more rules but these should get you thinking.

[TheWatcher]

Some parents allow this and some don't.

Is there anyone here has was not allowed to have sleepovers as a child? I wonder if they feel they missed out?
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I am with Jason on this one!!


I grew up LDS and my father was DEAD SET against our spending the night at our friends houses. I hated this rule and I did feel left out of the fun, but when my parents split and the rule was gone I found out why he had such strong convictions about it.

It was at these times I was introduced to pornography....to smoking....other things.

One friend's mother ( this was in 5th grade! ) turned out to be an alcoholic. She was laying on the couch, totally blotto drunk, while my friend KICKED HER!! I had never seen anything like that and I felt trapped! It was no longer fun. Later that night she came into the bedroom and accused us of plotting against her and laughing at her. She took us to Mcdonalds the next day, drinking while she drove!!!

Even other member's houses were not absolutely safe. You just never know.

My oldest daughter hated this restriction, as I did, but now she is thankful for it and says she knows that certain friends, (one in particular who was a member) were up to no good.

Family sleepovers?? You still don't know for sure. One of my brothers-in-law ended up being a child molester--for years, no one knew he was molesting his step-daughter.

Better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.

[Dr T]

We've let out kids sleep over at family members (cousins & grandparents) which is different. We have not yet let them sleep at a friends house. I didn't much as a child, only for a pre-finals baseball game with the whole team and once at a friends house. I did camp a whole lot while growing up and they were some of the best experiences.

[Gabelma]

[quote]

Some parents allow this and some don't.

I

It was at these times I was introduced to pornography....to smoking....other things.

One friend's mother ( this was in 5th grade! ) turned out to be an alcoholic. She was laying on the couch, totally blotto drunk, while my friend KICKED HER!! I had never seen anything like that and I felt trapped! It was no longer fun. Later that night she came into the bedroom and accused us of plotting against her and laughing at her. She took us to Mcdonalds the next day, drinking while she drove!!!

Even other member's houses were not absolutely safe. You just never know.

My oldest daughter hated this restriction, as I did, but now she is thankful for it and says she knows that certain friends, (one in particular who was a member) were up to no good.

Family sleepovers?? You still don't know for sure. One of my brothers-in-law ended up being a child molester--for years, no one knew he was molesting his step-daughter.

Better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.

this is where being a good parent comes in Annabelli is right you do your homework - you can't guarantee safety but you can do your best to assure situations like you describe don't happen. I would never let my daughter go to a home where I hadn't met the parents, ie invited them round for dinner and been to theirs - I am uncomfortable about some friendships she has right now so we are steering her away from them. And you teach your kids to make good friendships and keep lines of communication open if I was molested I could have told my Mum, she was an alchololic and has gone slightly nuts in later years but was one of the best parents, she had a good balance. By the time I was old enough for sleepovers I would never have stayed in the situations you describe - my brother did but ultimately Mum has steered him out of the mess he made for himself. My brother had stricter rules as a result and Mum always made sure the other kid slept over at our house first - she was more liberal with me because she trusted me not too. Because she was open and very honest about sex from when I was about 4 noone was able to entice me it was my decision what I did - same goes with my brother.

I want my children to be confident, outgoing and able to take care of themselves when they go into the adult world. So I have to let go of the apron strings bit by bit as they are ready. They are going to face temptations and trials I can't stop that would love to but also know they need them to grow -

Charley

[TheWatcher]

Yes, we do need to let our kids make some of their own decisions..I just don't trust my daughters to be with older boys or men overnight, having had a bad experience that need not be mentioned here.

You can't be afraid to say NO to your kids, which is so difficult when they just want to have fun.

You are right about doing your homework and knowing the parents! Once my Dad left our family, my Mom didn't or couldn't care to take the time--she was probably glad I was out of her hair, so there you go.


It's so nice to read about people loving their kids so much that they care enough to keep them as safe as possible.

[Elphaba]

When I was 13 I went to a sleepover where all of the girls held me down while one of them continuously hit me with her knuckle on my chest bone (don't know the official name). My best friend sat there and watched her do it while I sobbed. Later on her brothers joined in, and you can use your imagination from there.

I don't think the risk of abuse is higher than it was in days gone by. I just think it is openly talked about now. When abuse happened prior to the '80s, or thereabout, you just kept it to yourself.

I am a parent who is not good at letting go of the worrying. I'm working on that. Just the day before yesterday my son, who is 28, wrote me an e-mail that I had to back off and quit worrying about him so much.

If I had young children again, I could not let them spend the night elsewhere. I would be wide awake all night thinking the worst.

Elphaba

[Annabelli]

Some unpleasant things that happened on sleep overs:

#1 I went to pick up my child from a sleep over at 10 a.m. and they were sitting around with nothing to eat waiting for some deadbeat to wake up and go get donuts!

#2 I was driving to pick up my child up when I spotted them at a laundrymat! My son's clothing was ruined from carrying a leaky bottle of bleach!

#3 I called to say I was on my way to pick up my child and got no answer on either of their phones. I arrived at their house and got no answer at the door which I banged on for 20 minutes. I called the police and they opened the door and found the mother on the internet and the father watching TV. They didn't know where the kids were! The kids had went to the park to play about two blocks away!!!

Some pleasant things that happened on sleep overs:

#1 The parents were home, answering the door, inviting the parents in, had put up camp tents in the back yard, and had a cookout set up.

#2 My child called and asked if it was okay to go to the movies with his friend and family. He called the next morning at 9:30 a.m. and said he was ready to come home.

#3 My children were invited for a sleep over during the winter. They took their sleeping bags and after snow sledding, they watched Disney movies on the dvd and had pizza and cocoa.

Problems that we have had at our house with sleep overs:

Parents who cannot be contacted and don't show up until 2 p.m. to pick up their child.
Children who don't want to go home and want to spend another night.
Parents who send friends or relatives we didn't know to pickup their child. And we had to call the parents.

[Gabelma]

When I was 13 I went to a sleepover where all of the girls held me down while one of them continuously hit me with her knuckle on my chest bone (don't know the official name). My best friend sat there and watched her do it while I sobbed. Later on her brothers joined in, and you can use your imagination from there.

I don't think the risk of abuse is higher than it was in days gone by. I just think it is openly talked about now. When abuse happened prior to the '80s, or thereabout, you just kept it to yourself.

I am a parent who is not good at letting go of the worrying. I'm working on that. Just the day before yesterday my son, who is 28, wrote me an e-mail that I had to back off and quit worrying about him so much.

If I had young children again, I could not let them spend the night elsewhere. I would be wide awake all night thinking the worst.

Elphaba
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It is awful what some people will do hope you don't mind me asking where you friends with the people you were staying with?

its part of the reason I have chosen to home educate my kids, and why I am stopping my daughter play with the children in our street I think they try to treat her like that so I have stopped it - I was talking to a Mum at the home ed group and we were talking about why she had chosen to home educate she has such amazing children- she said the youngest had come home from nursery one day and said he didn't like the people there and could he stay home so he did. She had assumed the older two would want to stay at school they were both at top of their classes academically, good at sport and very popular - but they asked to stay home too - she was surprised they never wanted to call their school friends - they told her that at school they had to have friends but they didn't really like them that much they weren't people they wanted to spend time with now they had a choice.

I guess because I was a bit of a nerdy kid - I only ever had really great friends being the odd one out and different I guess has its advantages I never got invited to a sleepover that would have gone like that. I am aware I need to watch my daughter because she likes to please too much

Charley

[Annabelli]

Did I mention that I cut off sleep overs at age 16. No Sleep Overs after age 16. Why? Sleep Overs are for the young who think staying up all night is everything.

At 16 most teenagers will have their drivers license and share the family vehicle or have one of their own. They are not limited to see their friends by travel and are responsible for a curfew.

[Gabelma]

Did I mention that I cut off sleep overs at age 16. No Sleep Overs after age 16. Why? Sleep Overs are for the young who think staying up all night is everything.

At 16 most teenagers will have their drivers license and share the family vehicle or have one of their own. They are not limited to see their friends by travel and are responsible for a curfew.
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Think the over 16 sleepovers were even more fun lol I wasn't restricted before then because I am in a place I could walk, bike or get the bus, I am hoping by 12 or 13 my kids can get themselves into and out of town. By 15-16 we were allowed to go further afield and we could go to Edinburgh to see a show or London for the weekend if we saved up and have a night away a hostel night is cheaper with more of us. Or a hotel is cheaper if you share the cost of a room. We even had a temple trip we went on with some YSA priesthood holders. We even got to go to Europe for week. By this point a couple of my friends had moved out of home and had their own rooms (they had chosen college courses away from home) - by 19 all of us had our own rooms or flats or were on missions (with exception of one friend). It was great fun at YSA things to sleep on someones floor and get no sleep at all -

Kind of hope by 16 my kids will be trustworthy individuals bit late if they are not - for me the point of sleepovers is to help children get to the point they can be independent, and I hope they get chance to travel. Times will have to change drastically for me to want to change this for my kids. I think it was CS Lewis who said that as Mothers we are bringing our children up so that they no longer need us - I certainly want that for my children, if they want to come back that great but don't want them to need me for anything.

Charley