Sexual equilibrium in marriage.

[Arnold]

I was reading a book, Between Husband and Wife, and found a surprising statement from Spencer W. Kimball. He said, "if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason. (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.)
I imagine when he says study, he probably commissioned LDS Family Services to take confidential polls of their clients.
My take on this dynamic is that, like Adam, we ought to go to great lengths to make sure Eve is happy in bed.
Arnold in Idaho

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

My take on it, is we've learned a lot about marriages since 1982. Sexual dysfunction is a symptom, not a cause. That's the current take on things as told me by an LCSW working for LDSSS.

[ryanh]

That's just a bit too wide of a brush stroke there LM. We have learned a whole lot, and part of that is that the BYU-istic feminine-centric view that dysfunction is solely a symptom is false. Try telling that to someone with vaginismus. Or large fundamental desire disparity. Sexual compatibility most certainly can be the root cause, not simply a symptom.

[Loudmouth_Mormon]

Fair enough. Allow me to rephrase:

Sexual dysfunction is indeed present before most divorces. And, although there are lots of legitimate medical reasons for sexual dysfunction, most of the time it is caused or made worse by other things.

Better?

[Arnold]

Lamb and Brinley, authors of Between Husband and Wife, generalize saying most sexual problems prior to age 50 are psychological in origin; but after age 50, half of all sexual dysfunction is due to age-related physiological changes, medical problems, or due to certain medications.

[jennvan]

If you would like to read a good book on overcoming sexual desire incompatibility, I would suggest Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. As a warning, it is graphic at times and uses the f-word in different way than usual. It was the text for the sexuality class in my marriage and family therapy graduate program. As a single, never married LDS woman, it changed my views about relationships significantly.

PS ITS NOT ABOUT PHYSICAL THINGS, its about Emotional Connection. Oh and my MFT program was a Christian-based program so it was significant for them to use something this graphic, but it is amazing.

[Arnold]

Sexual compatibility for the aged can be disrupted in three areas: lack of desire, lack of arousal, and inability to achieve orgasm. Lamb and Brinley counseled, "What a couple does to bring each other to a state of arousal sufficient to complete the sexual experience is left (within appropriate bounds) to the discretion of the couple.

[Honor]

While actual physical issues would be difficult to get through and cause problems, I'd propose that in a lot of situations, rather than sex being the actual problem, it's simply where most of the problems in a relationship become more apparent earlier than they do elsewhere. It's where personality traits are the most difficult to hide or mask, often leading to sex getting labeled as the source, instead of evidence of problems elsewhere in the relationship. For example: a selfish personality is more easily identifiable in a sexual relationship than it would be in the emotional side of a relationship.

[BenRaines]

While physical intimacy is very important in a marriage I would say that demonstrating affection is just as important if not more important. Yes there may be physical or medical reasons for a lack of physical intimacy. There should not be a reason or explanation for lack of affection.

Ben Raines

[Gwen]

i don't think it's the sexual issues that cause the divorce but how the couple responds to the issues.

as for the book between husband and wife i read it before i was married and after when some issues came up and found it to be less than helpful. sorry. there were bits of good info but it's more for the unmarried person who wants to know about sexuality from a church perspective, not for ppl with problems.

if you really want info on sex (from a church perspective) a book like "and they were not ashamed" is much better. though it does focus more on the female aspect of things.

the idea that it's only psychological if one is younger and physical when older is a dangerous teaching. anytime a woman has a baby her body goes through major hormone shifts. physical enjoyment of sex (at every stage from arousal to climax) is governed by hormones. if those are messed up she will experience issues in sexual function. most women having babies are young. when we teach "it's all in your head" we give men a blank check to not try and to blame her for everything. when she can't fix it (because it's not in her head) she feels worse about herself and things spiral from there.

if we are going to be a baby having ppl (as the church has always been) then we need to stop ignoring what a woman's body goes through for childbirth and the impact it has on all aspects of the marriage.

yes a poor reaction to the physical can compound the issue by adding psychological. once the physical is resolved you will still have the psychological to deal with. i don't deny the psychological aspect of sex for women.

a sexual relationship, just like fertility/having babies, is a partnership. there is no you vs me. it's us. it's "our" sex life, "our" fertility, "our" baby, "our" sexual dysfunction. we need to make sure couples understand it's not "if" you have sexual issues but "when". at some point in a marriage you will have issues with your sex life. teach couples it's how to deal with it and to seek out qualified medical advise when there are issues they can't resolve on their own arise.