Should I speak up or shut up?

[LDSVALLEY]

A few weeks ago I was called to EQ again as a councilor. I firmly believe if we do things the way the Lord lays them out and are industrious at doing what we should then we will get the results we strive for.

A brief couple of bits of background, my last calling was a leadership position so there is a transitional adjustment I am making. I have been in this situation that I will describe below before and refuse to tolerate it again for long. I take callings seriously and strive to do what I can to my responsibility to the Lord. I also believe that I must follow the guidelines provided by the church and have a hard time doing things that are against those instructions no matter what the purpose. All of this would be fine except I get more and more frustrated which causes me to start over reacting or ignoring what I feel powerless to effect.

Now, here is my issue

1 We are so short on EQ that a HP was serving as councilor while I was Mission Leader, we were switched after the Stake said that had to stop. I jokingly mentioned this as the reason I was called back into EQ and the reply from the EQ President was ...."Well that was not the ONLY reason." Don't get me wrong I still believe the calling was prayed about and God did say I would be good for the calling. But the purpose I was called is hard to ignore.

2 I was told I was desperately needed but in 6 weeks I have rung a warning bell twice, turned time over to a teacher once, and asked to give a PPI which while doing found out it had already been done two weeks earlier.

3 In our one and only Presidency meeting we discussed how we had no one we could call as secretary. ( I believe but am not positive they must be a Melchizedek Priesthood holder. The may also need to be temple worthy.) Anyway our President mentioned one name but instead of prayer there he asked us to pray about it then get back to him at the next meeting. He mentioned today he submitted the name and was told no. Since I never talked to him about what I had gotten what is the point in me doing this.

4 We need a teacher now as well, one person he suggested has a Stake Calling which means he is not supposed to have another calling although it does happen at times. When I pointed this out plus the fact he was a new student at University he said I should pray about it anyway. Then after last class he said he talked to the Ex Sec. and was told yes it is officially against policy but happens so it's no big deal.

5 Other then that prayer request (#3) I walked out of the meeting with no assignments, no responsibilities. We discussed no issues with members, no plans for upcoming months etc.

6 When I first was called to this I emailed the President a couple of times. I told him I needed concrete assignments. That my role was to assist him in achieving his vision for his Presidency. But I needed to know and understand what that was before I could help. I was told it was to improve Home Teaching but have gotten nothing beyond that. I have made a couple of suggestions like an EQ Home Teaching Conference which he liked but instead of it staying at EQ level he took it to the Stake. Now it is on hold because they were going to work on HT in 2010 had have this huge teaching program planned that will involve many levels from the Stake down.

7 The home teaching list was revised yet again but strictly by the EQ President and HPGL. The two are mixed together as one home teaching group.

8 A personal one, I was switched to a youth companion which I can live with but created two issues with whom I still have as families. I pointed it out to my President and the Bishop. Actually I got to the point where I refused to take him to those two homes but would the others. The new list came out today and I still had them. When I even more bluntly said I am not taking him to those homes I was asked if I could take my wife. Which means two trips on two nights at a cost of $10 in gas per trip. ( my families are 40km away from home because the area I live in has too many priesthood for the number of families so I travel into town another area (still in our ward boundary.) Again I said no.

My problem is I can not ignore a calling, but I also can not work against the direction of the Lord. My calling is one connection I have with the Lord but when I am operating from a sea of frustration I can not feel him. But I can not avoid getting frustrated because I can not do or have not been given what I should be doing.

Nor can I simply do what I think is right without being directed by the EQ President. I also like the President who learned badly form the previous President when he was a new convert. To make it worse that past president is now our Bishop!

I have asked in person and via email for the President to provide direction, to allow me to do a calling. I have explained when first called what I need to be of any use and that I get frustrated when I have no responsibility.

Each Sunday I am leaving in frustration which is causing a spill over into other areas of the church when trying to deal with the Bishopric, High Priest Group Leadership etc. I am finding it harder to sustain a Leadership that is not following what we are told to do. That is fine when it is between them and the Lord but hard when it effects me. Worse my frustration is effecting my relationship with my family. I am leaving church annoyed and upset not uplifted.

This is an old pattern I had 5 years ago, it got to the point I was so frustrated I thought I might have to leave the church to keep my faith in it. Not saying it made sense, if it did then it doesn't now. But I am worried it might be an easy path to follow again without realizing it.

I respect the authority of the church, and I don't believe I know all or that I am the only one correct and everyone else is wrong. But I also have the ability to see patterns that others do not see until things become large. And I can clearly see how bad things are going to get in many areas because we are not following the direction we are supposed to in order to get more things done more quickly.

I have tried to be a quite voice of concern but twice what I did quietly has been replied to vocally. All I hear is excuses one quite email was replied to in a combined meeting Brother ...... mentioned we as the Bishopric should be attending Sunday School and not hauling people out for interviews. While this is correct it is not going to happen anytime soon because we have too much to do. Now after these two events I feel most of the Ward is looking at me as a complainer. And I am seeing myself that way as well.

So my question after all this is.

Do I keep trying to get an actual role in my new calling even if I feel I am pestering the President which is making his calling harder not easier.

Do I shut up and wait it out, I average only holding a calling for 12 months. My record was my last one at 2.5 years,( before that it was 8 months in a calling.) So it should not be very long.

Do I give an ultimatum and to who President, Bishop or Stake that If I don't get anything to do then I want released.

I can not support plans that go against church policy, but what do you do when the Leaders create constant exceptions instead of doing it the way we are told to by chruch leadership and the Lord.

How do I deal with the frustration that just grows with each Sunday. It's stupid so many don't want or will not do a calling and I can't get the overworked leaders to give me real responsibility.

Please don't respond with simply we are commanded to follow our Leaders no matter what.

I hope I made this clear enough. I would rather explain it in even more detail for a clearer picture but it is longer then many will read now and remember correctly less.

Thank you

[Dravin]

( I believe but am not positive they must be a Melchizedek Priesthood holder. The may also need to be temple worthy.)

Then somebody screwed up when I, a Priest (admittedly 20 years old) was called as the EQ Secretary. Also I wasn't temple worthy at the time, I had just reactivated. They called me on my second week back to church.

[john doe]

You can't force others to change their ways. They will resist it at every turn. All I can say about this is to chill out a little and not take things so personally. Be there to give sage, loving advice when asked, but not overbearing and demanding.

The new EQP needs the opportunity to fail. Let it happen a little bit, let him get frustrated when his methods don't work. People tend to learn from their failures. When he has been humbled, he will need a wise person to help him out of his failure. You need to be there offering to help him, but let him embrace the idea of needing your help. If he sees you there always telling him he is doing it wrong then he will resent you. Hopefully he will come around and realize that he can't do everything and that he needs all the help he can get.

[LDSVALLEY]

Originally Posted by john doe

You can't force others to change their ways. They will resist it at every turn. All I can say about this is to chill out a little and not take things so personally. Be there to give sage, loving advice when asked, but not overbearing and demanding.

The new EQP needs the opportunity to fail. Let it happen a little bit, let him get frustrated when his methods don't work. People tend to learn from their failures. When he has been humbled, he will need a wise person to help him out of his failure. You need to be there offering to help him, but let him embrace the idea of needing your help. If he sees you there always telling him he is doing it wrong then he will resent you. Hopefully he will come around and realize that he can't do everything and that he needs all the help he can get.

Clarify I am new to the calling, although I've been 2nd C before when he was first C. Our current President has had that calling for 2 or 3 years now. And it was not as much that he is wrong as he is doing as he was taught without seeing the other side.

It is not so much I take things personally, although I am sure that is some of that of course, but I hate and can't deal with feeling I am trapped in a responsibility without being allowed to carry it out, or it being meaningless and empty which is not the way it is too be.

[mormonmusic]

Originally Posted by LDSVALLEY

Do I keep trying to get an actual role in my new calling even if I feel I am pestering the President which is making his calling harder not easier. Do I shut up and wait it out, I average only holding a calling for 12 months. My record was my last one at 2.5 years,( before that it was 8 months in a calling.) So it should not be very long.

I think this is the best alternative, minus the pestering. But you need to feel at peace about this, and not feel you are "shutting up and waiting it out". So there should be a spiritual or attitudinal adjustment here so you can make the next 12 months to 2.5 years rewarding and productive.

Instead of pestering, look for the initiatives your EQ president is trying to achieve, and then find ways of supporting him without making him do things or requiring him to do anything for you, or adjust his leadership style.

Be honest with him that you would like to have some projects for which you have ownership, and come with a candidate list of things you know fit his current agenda. He's already given you one -- "improve home teaching". Consider phone calls, to brethren, after-Church EQ meet and greet socials where you can talk informally with the brethren about home teaching, or during which you can duck out for a PPI -- these are just ideas, you know what is most likely to work. But my point - -- find things you can just DO.

You can also volunteer to help with piece-meal assignments to help him get his job done. The more you come across as a valuable supporter, the more influence you'll have to gain his support.

You can also draw up a plan for an initiative that fits your responsibilities, and bounce it off the EQ President, like you did with your EQ HT Conference. I know that one died, but try another one. It should involve no effort on his part, if possible. Something you can just do, and run with.

Also, just my experience - there were people who complained a lot about the way I was doing things in the various leadership positions I've had. It was annoying.

Do I give an ultimatum and to who President, Bishop or Stake that If I don't get anything to do then I want released.

Definitely not -- this creates bad juju and appears to be rebellion against Priesthood Authority. It will also present a problem to your EQ Pres, who needs help and support right now.

I can not support plans that go against church policy, but what do you do when the Leaders create constant exceptions instead of doing it the way we are told to by chruch leadership and the Lord.

I had this discussion with someone who was a real "manual thumper" in my view. He wouldn't do anything unless it was in the manual. It was maddening, because there are times when the manual doesn't fit the unique circumstances of the Ward/Branch.

For example, collection of fast offerings by deacons works wonderfully in Utah wards where everyone lives within a block of each other, and you have 24 active deacons to do the leg-work. But in a ward that spans 400 square miles, it's not practical.

I finally spoke to the Branch President who apparently taught this brother to be so fixated on "going by the book". He had a different story - he said that yes, there are times when you have have to deviate from the manual, but you should know the way the manuals says it SHOULD BE, and you should have good reasons.

How do I deal with the frustration that just grows with each Sunday. It's stupid so many don't want or will not do a calling and I can't get the overworked leaders to give me real responsibility.

Accept that you can't change these people. I was Stake YM Presdent to a Stake President who I didn't feel could lead his way out of a wet paper bag.

It was frustrating, but when I accepted that he is what he is, and that I needed to stay focused on my "Circle of Influence" (the things I COULD control) I felt much better. I got results in those areas, and let the areas I couldn't control go fallow.

Later, after he got to know me, he thanked me for all the results I achieved in Stake Young Men's, and how organized I was. Then he called me to be his Executive Secretary, and asked me to help their presidency with various organization issues that were affecting their productivity. He even told me he wanted my opinions on various programs as if I was a "third counselor". NOW, I had influence!

I hope I made this clear enough. I would rather explain it in even more detail for a clearer picture but it is longer then many will read now and remember correctly less.

I'm learning that long posts tend to attract fewer respondents (I too am a long-poster), and I did feel the 8 or 10 issues you presented were a bit long. Also, I didn't understand some of them. You might want to re-explain the most important one or two of the most important ones, and I'd be happy to explore them with you....

[LDSVALLEY]

I HATE WHEN I DO SOMETHING THEN REALIZE I AM BEING STUPID ABOUT IT.

After I posted this I started a letter to the EQ President explaining my concerns, issues etc. I then talked to my wife about it and she told me I should not send it but should pray more and read scripture more about it. I told her correctly that I have been doing a large amount of both on the subject but would wait and do some more.

My middle child (11) overheard part of our conversation so I took a moment to explain that some people look at callings as something casual but I look at it as a special link with God and look for the blessings he gives me for doing what I should. Since I have nothing to do I get no blessings. I didn't want her to think that I was needlessly complaining or didn't feel I should hold a calling. She looked at me and said " Then why don't you ask him for something to do."

My first thought was I already had done that weeks ago and gotten now where with it. Then I took that moment between stimulus and response to "pause" and think about what they had both said.

Boy am I Stupid.

Everything I posted was true and very frustrating too me. So I looked at the source of the frustration and was asking for a solution. But I always rely on Logic of a situation to guide me and I realized they had the logic of it more then I did because I was lost in the issue.

I picked up the phone and called the President. I told him he was really busy and I was bored to tears with nothing to do in my calling. That surprised him, he asked what I meant, I told him the few things I had been given over the last few weeks. So he asked me to deal with the Secretary paperwork until we could find one. I agreed and said what else. His reply was he didn't want to over work me.

So I explained again the calling = blessings part and that I was frustrated and getting more so with not having any real calling. That I preferred long term real roles that allow me to do what he required but in my own manner, but for now needed to do something. That I would do what he wanted but did not want to have to go week to week begging for new stuff. I also took the moment to tell him I still had no idea on what the status of individual EQ members were at, who was struggling with what etc.

The long and short are I was asked to do all PPI's for EQ once per month and report the results. There are 7 EQ teams.

Now all the other stuff still exists, but I don't have control over that stuff. I will continue to hold true to the direction of the church and voice my concern over things that are not within the direction of the church. I may have to refuse to be involved in what I feel is outside the guidelines we are to follow. But I have control over that as well and have always taken the lumps that come from disagreeing with the majority.

So I started a thread I didn't need to start, as usual when I get frustrated over something I needed to look for the logic, alter my way of viewing and thinking and once again feel stupid at not figuring it out from the start.

Thank you to those who replied, I always find other points of view helpful and give me a different way to look at something.

[LDSVALLEY]

Mormonmusic

I had this discussion with someone who was a real "manual thumper" in my view. He wouldn't do anything unless it was in the manual. It was maddening, because there are times when the manual doesn't fit the unique circumstances of the Ward/Branch.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not a rule thumper I believe we are given guidelines to work within that allow us to adjust for local situations. My issue is when we do something because we always have or it seems easier then adjusting things so they within those guidelines.

Example Home Teaching is supposed to be separate HP and EQ but our ward always blends it. Some is allowed for, if only High Priests live near an EQ home it makes logical sense for HP to teach. However when those separate rolls are given no consideration at all, that I have an issue with. Most of our EQ are split into teams with HP companions for example and some of those could be straight HP or EQ. The church allows for us to deviate where suited but it should not be constant. The one PPI I did the EQ home teacher was frustrated that the widow was going to church friends for help not him.

Since church HT policy is that HP be responsible for older widows and her male friends were HP if we followed that policy she would have been going where she should and there would not be an issue.

I don't think we should be rigid but when we are not doing what the Lord directs us and it does not work out and we stand there wondering why, then continue to ignore how we are supposed to be doing it. That I have an issue with.

BTW I wanted to click thanks under yours but it was not showing and I have no idea how to find it.

[thomasf]

I read all of this and everyone has had times of being frustrated by callings when working under someone who doesn't know how to delegate.

Here is the best solution I have ever been able to find to serving in the church and being fulfilled. Now, whenever I feel like this, I just try to look around to see who needs to be fellowshipped. The church is FULL of people who don't feel welcome, are struggling with issues, don't have friends, need a helping hand, don't know how to ask...are weak in the gospel.

You sound like someone who has some experience in the church and stands on higher ground. Don't worry about what you are being given to do....do what you have been given, then focus your efforts on reaching out and making a difference in these peoples life. Or go find someone to fellowship into the gospel and work to build that friendship/relationship...

There is so much to do out there...if you just look around, you will not be bored. Soon, your President will be offering to help you in your "projects" as that will be where the action is!

Nobody needs a specific calling to fellowship those less active members of the ward, or to do missionary work with your friends. And these are the activities with the greatest rewards available! Much more fun than doing PPI's or keeping the rolls.

[mormonmusic]

Originally Posted by thomasf

I read all of this and everyone has had times of being frustrated by callings when working under someone who doesn't know how to delegate.

Here is the best solution I have ever been able to find to serving in the church and being fulfilled. Now, whenever I feel like this, I just try to look around to see who needs to be fellowshipped. The church is FULL of people who don't feel welcome, are struggling with issues, don't have friends, need a helping hand, don't know how to ask...are weak in the gospel.

I believe this very strongly. I did this when I was in High School. For some reason, I wound up on a lot of high profile projects like Students Council, the jazz combo that traveled across the country for various competitions, and other stuff. I was with the 'in crowd' and had a lot of friends.

At dances, I asked all the girls who looked like they weren't having a good time to dance. Also, the nerdy people, I reached out to them and said "Hi" in the halls, invited them go do things, sat with them at lunch, and joined them in the Chess club, and sat with them in the cafeteria and such. I think this was because until Grade 11, I was one of those people, and then in my senior year, changes in my overall personna made me cool for some reason.

The surprise -- at the end of the year, they had votes for 3 positions -- a Citizenship Award, King of the Prom, and Valedictorian -- all based on votes from the student body and teachers.

One day the principal of the school asks me to her office. I thought I'd done something wrong, or something. She sits me down and tells me I won all three awards by a landslide. "It was overwhelming" she said.

This was over 20 years ago, but I learned from that experience that one key to "finding favor with God and man" is to reach out to those people who need friends and fellowship. But, as I also learned when I went to university, being popular, or finding favor can't be your motive, however. The motive has to be pure kindness to the people you're reaching out to -- otherwise the whole thing backfires.

Anyway, it's been a while since we heard from LDS Valley on this one -- how's it going LDS Valley? How are things working with the calling since you got on the "ask them for something to do" plan your 11 year old suggested?

[dazed-and-confused]

i believe, STRONGLY, if you believe what you choose to stand up for, feel confident that you will stand before HF and state with conviction that what you did was correct in your understanding of HF wishes,
then by all means speak up...be couragious in what you believe. for some reason i believe that HF would prefer some comittment to some wishy-washy-........whatever.
just my opinion.
here's a clue........the name.....MY name.