Changes in appearance after having children.

[RachelleDrew]

This is going to be conceived as a superficial post, but I think it's something that needs to be addressed, and I know i'm not the only one out there who worries about this.

Ladies, our bodies all change in one way or another after childbirth. Do you ever worry that your husband may be displeased with your appearance after it has changed? Weight gain, stretch marks, loose skin - we all know the drill.

I was around 135-140lbs and 5'7. This is the height and weight I was when I met my husband. A very average weight. I had to work extremely hard while in high school and college just to maintain my body. I ran about two miles every day and was on a strict 1,000 calorie a day diet from the time I was a freshman in high school until my sophomore year in college. Not to mention I played softball and was in competitive cheerleading and tumbling. I was stressed out a lot trying to stay at that weight, but I was happy to do those things if it meant keeping myself at that point. I was also highly prissy, and I don't think he ever saw me without makeup, manicure and pedicure, and my hair done prior to my pregnancy.

I gained a buttload of weight when I got pregnant with Eli. I was put on bedrest at about 4 months pregnant, and hospitalized at 7 months. I was at 210lbs when he was born, and i'm now at 180lbs. So that would make me about 40lbs heavier than I was when he met me, with much more loose skin, stretch marks etc. Not to mention having a new child i've come into a general lack of grooming. I think i've worn sweat pants for the past three months solid and I can't remember the last time I even wore chapstick.

Of course out of loyalty my husband would never say anything negative about my appearance. But the compliments are practically non-existent anymore and I know it slightly bothers him that I don't look the way I used to. But with all the new work and stress involved with a baby I don't really know what to do. I don't have the time or energy to dress the way I used to, and this weight isn't going to come off unless I restrict my daily calories back down to a thousand (cannot do while nursing) and begin running (again, lack of time or energy.)

I feel like it's my job to remain attractive for my husband. But it seems impossible. I feel like i'm making excuses but making a serious effort is more difficult than I thought it would be before I got pregnant.

How many of you deal with this, and how did your husbands react to your new appearance after having kids?

[VisionOfLehi]

Women are more beautiful without makeup, IMO.
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I'm not married, don't have kids, can't predict the future... But I can see how things would be different. I know that pregnant women are beautiful... Probably even moreso for the father. Afterwards, I'd assume I realize what the change was from.

You say you've worn sweats for the past 3 months... Well, maybe dress up a little? You don't have to be slim to wear some drop dead gorgeous outfits, and you don't have to be elaborate or complicated. A lot of beauty exists in simplicity.

I think I can see myself having to "adjust" to the new image of my future wife... It'd definitely be a transition, but I'd get over it. My gal's going to be beautiful no matter what, inside and out. I'm sure he feels the same way.

How do YOU feel about your image? Does it bother you a lot? Do you want to make changes for yourself, or for him?

Have you discussed this with him?

You could try making a plan. Let him know how you feel... Decide to get back to a more "healthy weight" once the baby is older... Do it WITH him. Exercise, diet, whatever. I always find it easier with a buddy to keep me going.

[Kirajo]

I had my daughter 10 months ago and before I was pregnant I was very very slim. It was a huge adjustment to me after having the baby cause i was just simply not use to being that big. It was uncomfortable and I, too, would only wear comfy clothes. I refused to buy new close because I didn't want to waste money on clothes that would (hopefully) be too big for me soon enough. Oddly enough my husband didn't seem to notice. But, hello? we all know he did but once again hubby's are sweet and sensetive when it comes to that sort of thing hopefully! haha. Slowly the weight came off and I try my best at looking good when he's home. But even now it takes quite a bit of effort! I will get up and I'm like....uggghh...a shower? today?

I recently read " Strangling your husband is not an option" and one of the things she talks about in there is this very thing. She makes a great point at asking you what kind of women he sees when he's not at home. He is at work where all the other women had to get dressed and primp a little to be presentable. Then he comes home to you, what does he see? It's not that he is finding other women more attractive, but more just saying that he does notice. But because he does love you not matter what he will always think you're sexy!!

After I read that, I made a vow to try and look the best I can as often as possible. And quite honestly, the better I look, the better I feel!

I also saw on the Tyra Banks show today ( yes I watch that show) where a mom of 3 said she didnt have time to go work out. The man there simply said that you dont have to go out to a gym to get a work out. So he made her do 20 sit ups on stage and it took her about 25 seconds. Guaranteed we all have 25 seconds to spare at SOME point during the day? haha!

Just take it one step at a time! Babies give you all kinds of shift changes and craziness but it's up to you to take control. I always wondered if it were reversed, how would I react? I want to say I wouldn't be shallow at all and love him the way he was if he balooned up and wore pajamas all day and didnt shower daily. But.....come one, who are we kidding? HAHA.

This was longer than intended but I hope I've given some sort of advice!

[StrawberryFields]

There are so many expectations for us to be perfect in every way. This is also been a very difficult road for me and the real secret is...

Unconditional Love

I know, I know, I will get some flack for that but the thing about it is that women put so much self worth on the way the man in our lives make us feel. Real beauty shines though no matter what our size is.

[ruthiechan]

Get enough sleep. That's first and foremost. If you are not sleeping enough, then you're not going to have enough energy for your family let alone exercise.

Exercise with your kids. While your baby is playing on the floor, do some exercises. It'll be a good example for them too. Dance with your children! They'll love you for it!

Wear a little bit of make up, and do your hair up a little bit - even a nice head band will look good.

Do you wear sweats because those are the only things that fit? Then go out shopping. You can find some nice stretch pants/slacks that look pretty darned good. Or, better yet, buy DRESSES. Get a bunch of dresses that you can easily move around in, then you can wear those around the house and when you lose the weight you can always get a back clip to make them more form fitting.

Weight is not everything, it's how you present yourself.

This is coming from someone who wishes she weighed 180, and has a healthy intimate life.

[RachelleDrew]

All the responses so far have been really helpful.

As for why I only wear sweats, it's the only thing that fits and we can't afford to be buying new clothes right now. But yet somehow we had the money to buy my hubby a new computer? Oh well, lol.

Sit ups don't do squat for me. I enjoy and lose weight from running. After years of experimenting with exercise routines i've learned that running is the only thing that really works for me and I don't know why.

I think what makes it worse is that my son has colic and was born premature. He has a lot of problems, so he doesn't really "play" like other 2 month old babies do. I would say that I probably spend eight hours a day in a rocking chair just to keep him on the better side of hysterical. What's sad is i'm not exaggerating at all. So nobody really wants to watch him or help. Husband doesn't even want to hold him because he cries so much. But I shouldn't expect him to, it's my job, not his.

I wish that I could ask a family member to stay with him for maybe 45 minutes or so while I went on a quick run. But unfortunately they are very critical of me having children at the age of 21, so any request for help has been met so far with a "see, we told you that you couldn't manage it." Hub is too tired before and after work to watch Eli. I could put him down for a nap while I ran just so long as my husband was home but when he's home I need to cook breakfast or dinner and pack his lunch and get his clothes for work out etc. It would be nice if maybe he could pack his own lunch or take frozen meals or something.

Yikes! Now i'm whining. Sorry, just a little upset right now. I forgot to mention that I did dress up today and got ignored when he got home just a few years ago. Then spat up on, It's obvious that dressing up isn't going to do any good until i'm acceptable looking again.

I'm going to try and get something figured out. I'm sick of my husband being disgusted by me. We are going to a new ward and I don't want him to be embarrassed to introduce me as his wife. This has got to stop!

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by RachelleDrew

Husband doesn't even want to hold him because he cries so much. But I shouldn't expect him to, it's my job, not his.

Yes you should expect him to, it is equally his job as well as yours. There is also no reason why your husband can not cook dinner half the time.
Read this article: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners
Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners 2007 » August page 24.

By Elder Bruce C. Hafen
Of the Seventy
and Marie K. Hafen

If you have that issue of the Ensign, fopen it to the correct page, give the magazine to your husband and tell him that you need him to study, ponder and pray with you regarding this message. If you don't then print the article out and hand it to him.

[Gwen]

i can understand your frustration rachelle, i was about the same hight and weight you were when i got married, didn't have to work quite so hard at it so i took it for granted, i hit over 200 with the pregnancies and now i'm around 180. it is depressing, especially knowing i never apreciated 135 when i had it.

has hubby changed any? if he's like most men over the years he will get a gut, lose hair where he wants it, gain hair where he doesn't, etc. that's part of life. our bodies changing is no more in our control than his body changing is in his. it's part of life, if he wants kids he has to take ALL that comes with it. would you ever consider thinking less of him cause he lost his hair? how can he consider being upset cause you have natural changes you can't control?

that being said lol i think i'm more unhappy with my body than my husband is. and that may be the greater issue anyhow. i've already told hubby to save up and when i know without a doubt we are done having kids i want to get that surgery to remove the extra skin, etc. lol

i agree with iggy compleatly about the roles and the article.

[skalenfehl]

Originally Posted by RachelleDrew

Sit ups don't do squat for me. I enjoy and lose weight from running. After years of experimenting with exercise routines i've learned that running is the only thing that really works for me and I don't know why.

Running is a highly effective cardiovascular and aerobic exercise. Daily cardio exercise metabolizes stored energy (body fat) rather quickly especially if done every day while staying in your "target heart rate" which is 50 to 85 per cent of your maximum heart rate (75 per cent is ideal in my opinion). The longer you remain in your target heart rate, the more you will metabolize stored energy (all those little fat cells). Your body is like a furnace and the more you feed it energy (proper nutrition--no fat or sugar) the hotter it burns and stays in burning mode.

Sit ups are effective for targeting the abdominal muscles. I love weighted crunches and hanging knee raises (knees to elbows). I understand why you say they didn't do squat, however, I'm sure they did, just not visibly. Sit ups are a muscle building exercises, not an aerobic exercise, which is why you saw no results, presumably in the mirror or on the scale. I just wanted to clear up the difference between building muscle and burning fat. Both are a unique process for two completely different results. Muscle and fat are two completely different things.

I think all husbands need to be mindful of how difficult it is for their wonderful wives to do so much. There's so much work to do with kids, getting them ready for school, feeding them, all the daily chores like dishes, laundry, and so much more. I do a lot of this myself, which lightens the load for my wife significantly. Husbands should be more appreciative and understanding and sensitive to their wives needs and look in the mirror sometimes and realize they may not be the hunky "Brad Pitt" with six pack abs and broad shoulders that you fine ladies married either. Maybe they never had washboard abs, for that matter. I think sometimes they need a gentle reminder of this.

[pushka]

Rachelle, I'm a little too obsessed with body image. At school and into my early twenties I weighed around 98lbs, in my later twenties, following the birth of my 2 children, I weighed between 111lbs and 117lbs, I am only 5ft tall though, so those sorts of weights were normal for me. I acquired a small tummy bump following the birth of my children and obsessed about it all the time, even tho I was within a normal weight and in small clothing sizes..My husband and friends couldn't convince me that I was all right with the bump, lol.

Nowadays, following heart surgery, lack of exercise for 10 years and having had a terrible diet and drinking tons of alcohol for many of those years my weight has ballooned to around 175lbs...I am so unhappy about this, I feel as if I have to show new people I meet old pictures of myself to prove that I was once slim..

I do understand that our post pregnancy bodies do alter a little, and I do think that husbands should appreciate this and the increased efforts that women need to make to maintain an acceptable (for them) weight/size and should help women out more in order for them to achieve this.

I've recently stopped drinking alcohol altogether (January '08), after cutting down drastically last year. I'm currently on a Fitness For Life programme thru my doctor, which gives me the opportunity to attend cut price exercise classes and gym sessions, and am trying to encourage myself to eat more fruit/veg and less fats and sugars to help generally with my weight control and management of health problems which my unhealthy lifestyle left me with.

Perhaps you could sit down with your husband and discuss ways to make you have more opportunities to look after yourself and your needs, and ways in which he could take some of the responsibility for settling your baby and other jobs around the house...I had a premature baby too, she was constantly bothered with colic and a milk intolerance for the first 12 months, and severe asthma too...I found that I spent hours outdoors with her, pushing her in her pram from one side of town to the other, visiting parks, feeding ducks and feeding her outside, taking little pre-prepared foods along with me, so that I didn't spend hours indoors listening to and dealing with my crying baby and the frustration of the situation...It did help with my weight loss following the birth, I was very lucky tho and only put on 20lbs with my pregnancy so it wasn't difficult to return to my pre-pregnancy weight..plus the anxiety made me eat less than I should so weight just dropped off me at the time, wish it did nowadays, lol!

Good Luck, talk to your family and friends about how you feel and about the difficulties you're experiencing with your baby too, ask them to help so that you can take some time for yourself...