Are you a gamer's widow?

[Palerider]

I don't play video games...when I am on computer my wife is usually at work or reading a book or sleeping. She has always been one who turns in at 9pm...

[Heavenguard]

I was a gaming addict when I was in high school. I went to school, and I still did my homework, but every moment of my free time went to my Playstation. I thought about the games in class at school, what would I do next, what strategy to employ, review the story thus far in my head...

If your husband (or significant other, for everyone else) hasn't heard this from you yet, he needs to. He can't respond to or respect your feelings if he doesn't know about them. Ask him to make a little more time to actively be with you and the kids - even if just an hour after he comes home, before he goes to play. Whatever it is, there has to be some sort of concrete, measurable action to be taken, so both of you are on the same page as to what the expectations are.

[Tarnished]

During my first year of marriage I wrote a poem titled "Computer Widow". It speaks of this situation. At that time he was addicted to Diablo and Star Craft. Since then I have actually come to join him in his games. Currently we play World of Warcraft together. Though it has been a good place for us to play together it has also resulted in fights over things in game, time spent online, and other such things. Through playing games we became lax on housework, food preparation, and many other things. Currently we are working at spending less time on the game and more time on real life.

Priorities are the important thing here, computer games are not inherently evil, however they do tend to bring out the addictive nature in people. They are a place for escape and they are structured to make the gamer want to come back again and again to finish their goals online. People become attached to their characters and to the people they interact with online (if it is a massive multiuser game) they find reasons to stay on longer and play just a little more.

Creating a character on WoW (World of Warcraft) was enlightening for me because I learned what it was like to play the game. Thus when my husband hit the top level I could easily say, "You don't need to find an inn, you can log out anywhere, do it now and get off the computer." Or I could tell him exactly what he should do to get himself off the game the quickest, there was no more, "Oh I need to find a safe place." excuse.

The problem that comes from gaming at times is that when you are not playing the game you don't really see what the game comes to mean to the gamer, so thoughts of unplugging or burning the game seem reasonable. Unfortunately it only causes hurt feelings and aggrivation.

Truthfully one thing I have learned since becomeing married is that for a person to change they have to decide to change themselves, you can never force another person to change themselves, you can only give advice.

The issue really is priorities though, the game becomes the top priority and everything else becomes secondary. Recently my bishop made this comment, "In life our priorities should be like this: 1st our relationship with God, 2nd our relationship with our spouse, 3rd our relationship with our children, 4th our relationship with the church. Everything else comes below that and playing video games should rank far below those top four."

Make proper priorities the goal, and make gaming something that can be done when there is spare time. Do chores and housework first and then when everything is done treat yourself with some time gaming, and give time limits. It can be difficult but the truth of the matter is, we can not take the games with us when we die, but our relationships with our families and with God we do take with us. Isn't it more important that we set our priorities in such a way that when we die we do not mourn the time we wasted on pixels on a computer screen.

(sorry for getting so preachy, it is a product of much thought on this very subject)

[talisyn]

I met my fiance in Final Fantasy IX, we got married in game almost 2 years ago haha that sounds really silly when I write it down.

WoW (I tried it a bit) and FFXI have a few things in common. You have to play hours to get to higher level goodies, and then when you're high level you have to play (usually scheduled) hours more to get the higher level goodies. And then there's the feeling that if you leave a party or scheduled event you're letting your fellow players down. Yes, family is more important, but when you have the opportunity and it's been scheduled for weeks beforehand to fight a certain monster or whatever and something IRL comes up it's a letdown, to be honest. Video games for some reason make your brain release those feel-good chemicals, and then there's the sheer competition. It can be very addicting. FFXI has a screen before you log on that says basically make sure you don't neglect your family, job, and school for this game, it's not worth it. And WoW has a feature that will shut the game off after a certain amount of time has passed.

These are just games, and in 5 years these game addicts will be wondering why they started playing in the first place. Moderation is key, and it took me a little bit of time to get my gaming down. I can go whole weeks without logging on, and when I do it's usually to play around with my fiance (we're talisyn and zetsuei on garuda if anyone plays lol). My advice is to persevere, keep up the reminders of why you're a family, and maybe post little lists of 'how to tell if you have an addiction' on the fridge.

[Razey]

Before we even had a TV or a game sys, we used to go to the arcade together. Then it was Playstation for years. Now it's Warcraft. I used to play more than I do (which is rarely, now), he probably plays more than he ever used to. The only thing that really bugs me is that he CANNOT leave an online game, not even if we're hosting a family dinner. So he works on not starting a game when it's too close to dinner time (they usu take an hour). Well, it also bugs me that his conversations with me go on auto-pilot.

But I have found that I can still snuggle up to him, rub his back, follow his exploits. I figure it's not really much different than guys who can't turn off a football game.

[Maxel]

My ex-girlfriend's brother and sister-in-law provided the perfect example of what happens to a gaming couple that fails to regulate themselves.

They both run their own businesses, and they took a 'vacation' one week and stayed home doing nothing. He decided to shave that week. Their vacation began on a Monday, and he shaved on Monday.

On Friday, while stretching during a rousing round of World of Warcraft, she looked over and remarked:

"Hey, when did you shave?"

[ninjormon]

I play video games, at one point I sold them all becasue I knew I was playing too much and decided not to buy another system until I knew I could control my habit. I bought one a couple weeks ago and set a few conditions on my gameplay.
1. I will not play unless I have worked out/studied that day.
2. I won't play if there is something else for me to do.
3. I will stop playing if my wife or daughters need me to do something.

[beck61]

Originally Posted by ZionWoman

I'm just thinking about this a lot and I wondered exactly how common this problem is. Does your husband spend hours and hours on the computer/x-box/Wii gaming? Does he come home from work, peck on the cheek, wave to the kids and disappear into the basement/den/computer room and not emerge again until late in the night?

Nope.

Instead of complaining, I join in.

If that is what he likes doing, I join in (because he joins me in things that he doesn't necessarily like, but I do and he loves me, so he does it), not because I'm a huge gamer, but because he likes to do it and I like to be with him.

I'm never going to try to change my husband, because I can't do that, only he and our Heavenly Father can.

[LolaBella]

My hubby loves his consoles and the PC. I dont mind as I will join in or sit and read a book, as long as we're in the same room I dont mind. It can get too much sometimes though and if I complain he says he doesnt go on it that much (hmmm). Luckily, most of the time he is reasonable. He even asks my permission to go it sometimes!! Got him well trained lol

[PinkPanther]

My hubby loves him some xbox and xbox live. It's his way to relax and hang with friends and I don't mind.
However he doesn't spend long hours on there, and he will stop in the middle if me or the baby need him.
I did tell him that we needed to cancel the subscription to WoW if he had an xbox live account as it was a waste of money.
Pretty much the only games I like are the Lego ones...it's fun to break all the lego pieces and collect coins...
I used to play Sims before I had a baby, and I always made myself clean for an hour, then I could play for an hour....clean for an hour...play for an hour...and I always got tired of playing and ended up cleaning more...
It's all about moderation.
My sister-in-law has a troubled marriage, because her husband and his whole family waste their lives on gaming. Which is a lesson to all that you should know someone longer than a month before you get married!