Are you a gamer's widow?

[yenni]

I'll never have the chance to become a gamers widow because the guys in our singles branch can't stop gaming long enough to date anyone :P

[Dravin]

Originally Posted by yenni

I'll never have the chance to become a gamers widow because the guys in our singles branch can't stop gaming long enough to date anyone :P

You don't have to buy the game dinner or a movie ticket, its always there when you want it to be, it has no moods or shifting expectations, if you forget its name it isn't offended and best of all it never tells you no if you ask it if you can spend some time with it.

[its_Chet]

Originally Posted by Tarnished

The problem that comes from gaming at times is that when you are not playing the game you don't really see what the game comes to mean to the gamer, so thoughts of unplugging or burning the game seem reasonable. Unfortunately it only causes hurt feelings and aggrivation.

Truthfully one thing I have learned since becomeing married is that for a person to change they have to decide to change themselves, you can never force another person to change themselves, you can only give advice.

Hallelujah!

I've been down this road with my wife, and she found it very difficult to compromise.

The way I see it, quitting games cold turkey, for me, would be like her going off her meds (for depression, anxiety, anger issues) cold turkey. Well, maybe not exactly, but you get the idea.

After being stuck in Phoenix area traffic for an hour, I used to love to take to the streets of Vice City, using a cheat code that gave my car the qualities of solid granite. I'd go barrelling down the streets and anything that got in my way went flying down the street or sailing up into the air. Now THAT's therapeutic!

The games can be addictive. But since they don't cause the same damage as drugs or gambling, I personally believe that a realistic compromise should be reached and the addicted gamer should be allowed to wean themselves off, or at least to a satisfactory reduction. You may not be able to see a gamer in withdrawal, but it happens. And withdrawals for a gamer will make it harder for them to stay away.

It was more difficult for me living in Arizona. I NEVER wanted to go outside because we lived in the suburbs and it was ridiculously hot so much of the time. I'm from the rural midwest. I like distance between me and the neighbors. I don't like traffic. I like changes of season. Now that we live back in what I consider the real world (the midwest), I'm much more inclined to spend time outside. We have a pool in the back yard and I keep that up. I mow the lawn. I take care of the trees. I don't know how to fix much of anything, but I either try or get help from a friend. I enjoy spending time outside, and the more time I spend outside, the less time I have to play games.

That's the important part, whatever your situation. You have to find something that will replace the time you spend on the games. You have to find something to make yourself busy enough that you don't think so much about the games. This is when you need support to break the addiction, not criticism and derision. The addict needs encouragement and coaxing, not screeching and anger. It's easier to get an addict off the computer when the family is going outside to rake the leaves together, than it is when the chores are all done and nothing urgent is pressing, yet the spouse is in a rage because the addict is being "unfashionable".

The hardest thing for me was when I would constantly get the impression that the reason my gaming was a problem was because my wife thought it was "unhip" or "dorky", or that she simply wanted to yell for me to jump and expected me to ask "How high?" It also didn't help when she got her mother involved. All that made me defensive. And I just dug in and fought back.

Spending time with nature has filled that need for me, and feeling like the busybodies are off my back makes me a lot more cooperative.

To anyone who considers themselves a "gaming widow", I beg you to offer your husband a more compelling reason to break the addiction than that you want to control him. Acknowledge that he's not viewing obscene material. Acknowledge his level of devotion to Church and family, whatever it is. Be respectful, and you may get him to admit it's an addiction. Until that happens, little good, if any, will come from getting on his case about it. And you can't just bring him to a place where he realizes he's addicted and then dump him there. You have to encourage him to find something else to do with that time, and if you're legitimately concerned that he doesn't spend enough time with you, put your money where your mouth is and offer to spend time with him doing whatever it is that needs to be done. Who knows? It may actually bring you closer together!

Whatever you do, don't give him the impression that you're simply viewing him as an anger inducing, malfunctioning puppet, and don't get upset at him for not obeying any blunt commands to get off the computer. If you think you have problems now, just see what happens if you go down that road.

Make him believe that you genuinely want his company doing something worthwhile, like going for a walk, or something pleasant. If you try to "ground" him, he may just act the part.

[Generally_Me]

Originally Posted by its_Chet

Hallelujah!

That's the important part, whatever your situation. You have to find something that will replace the time you spend on the games. You have to find something to make yourself busy enough that you don't think so much about the games. This is when you need support to break the addiction, not criticism and derision. The addict needs encouragement and coaxing, not screeching and anger. It's easier to get an addict off the computer when the family is going outside to rake the leaves together, than it is when the chores are all done and nothing urgent is pressing, yet the spouse is in a rage because the addict is being "unfashionable".

The hardest thing for me was when I would constantly get the impression that the reason my gaming was a problem was because my wife thought it was "unhip" or "dorky", or that she simply wanted to yell for me to jump and expected me to ask "How high?" It also didn't help when she got her mother involved. All that made me defensive. And I just dug in and fought back.

Spending time with nature has filled that need for me, and feeling like the busybodies are off my back makes me a lot more cooperative.

To anyone who considers themselves a "gaming widow", I beg you to offer your husband a more compelling reason to break the addiction than that you want to control him. Acknowledge that he's not viewing obscene material. Acknowledge his level of devotion to Church and family, whatever it is. Be respectful, and you may get him to admit it's an addiction. Until that happens, little good, if any, will come from getting on his case about it. And you can't just bring him to a place where he realizes he's addicted and then dump him there. You have to encourage him to find something else to do with that time, and if you're legitimately concerned that he doesn't spend enough time with you, put your money where your mouth is and offer to spend time with him doing whatever it is that needs to be done. Who knows? It may actually bring you closer together!

Whatever you do, don't give him the impression that you're simply viewing him as an anger inducing, malfunctioning puppet, and don't get upset at him for not obeying any blunt commands to get off the computer. If you think you have problems now, just see what happens if you go down that road.

Make him believe that you genuinely want his company doing something worthwhile, like going for a walk, or something pleasant. If you try to "ground" him, he may just act the part.

Precisely.

Game widows (and widowers) need to read the book "Game Widow" by Wendy Kays. Very small book, I read it in a day, but enlightening and helpfull for the widow.

[Bini]

Spending an excessive amount of time playing video or PC games when you have other responsibilities to attend to, is unacceptable in my book, period. An hour here or there to unwind and kill some idle time is fine but not when you lock yourself away from interacting with your spouse, kids and loved ones in general. I truly believe this can become an addiction and a hazard to a relationship.


In my marriage, I'm the gamer but I know when to pull the plug. This summer I chose not to work and take a vacation from my job. It's been easy to sit on the computer and play my Sims or mess around with Photoshop for hours on end. But the moment my husband walks through the door from being at work, I know it's time to turn it off and be with him. Occasionally we'll sit on the sofa and play Resident Evil on console together. But otherwise, solo-activities are out the window.

[annewandering]

For years I was a 'tv widow'. About 5 years ago one of my sons wanted to chat with me but he liked to play FFXI. He installed the game on my computer so he didnt have to call. lol.
What he didnt know is that I would end up loving the game even when he was off in Iraq and couldnt play very often.
Now I play the game, my husband surfs the internet for movies and general information and watches tv. We are both content. He says he is going to play a little but he will never be a gamer. I dont mind although I would love it if he did.
My son still plays sometimes although not during school semesters since he is studying hard. Several of my daughters play, one more than the other. We communicate on the game a lot.
You know its a stereotype that men are the ones playing. At least half the people I play with are women. A lot of the people I play with are couples, young and old, and families. My best friend is a grandmother who plays with two of her daughters.
I am physically disabled and can't do a lot but the game allows me social interaction and something to keep my brain going.
The degree of involvement is different for different people but if you want to limit a persons playing then you need to discuss it in a way that is not jealousy speaking. You need to understand what the game is. Most of the games have times when the players are in a group that depends on everyone. These times can last blocks of time like 4 hours straight. Most of the time it is not like that. If you understand what is being done and what regular blocks of time are needed then perhaps it is easier to deal with. For me, I have an event that I do twice a week with a group of around 40 people. It lasts from 3 to 4 hours each time. If I make the committement to be there then those people depend on me. They are not cartoon characters. They are people that have arranged their rl to be there same as I have. If you demand that you want to do something else during that time then you are being unfair to not only your spouse but to the others who are depending on them.
Now if I am just crafting or doing other activities that have no time set then I can be interrupted anytime. Still it is nice to have a warning and be left with time to shut down.
By the way gil selling or gold selling as its called on WOW is illegal and a rotten thing to do to other players. People who do this are callled RMT and are scum in my mind. They basically steal from players and the game and sell to other scum callled gil or gold buyers who actually pay someone to play a game for them. sheesh. Can you imagine paying someone to play Monopoly for you? It is also a new way that organized crime uses to launder money. Nice way to make a living isnt it.

[Maxel]

There's a new support group for anyone attempting to recover from an addiction to gaming- it's called 'Recovering Gamers'. If anyone's intersted in joining, shoot me a PM.

[tybaeb3]

I have this problem with my husband, he finishes work a little earlier then me and when I arrive home the kids are entertaining themselves and my husband is on the computer when I mention it he becomes defensive to the point that on one occassion after I invited him to the table for dinner after several reminders we ate without him when I questioned him later his reply was it's his choice if and when he wants to eat dinner I was baffled and thought who are you and was extremely angry about his comment.

[its_Chet]

Whatever you do, just remember that you catch more flies with honey.

Gamers like me get addicted easily. We don't see the problem. We wonder to ourselves why we're being hassled when we provide for our families, aren't abusing anyone, make it to Church every Sunday, etc. We feel like our spouses are trying to be domineering and control us because they see us doing something "unfashionable". We see pettiness in those who criticize us, but not ourselves. The addiction blinds us.

The last thing you want to do is confirm those suspicions.

Overcoming gaming, or dealing with a spouse who is addicted, needs to be a delicate process. I would recommend taking steps. First, maybe start with suggesting no new games. The addict will only play the same games over and over again for so long, and then they'll get bored with them. That will help break the addiction. Next, I'd try to find something to lure the addict away from the addiction. It has to have a powerful enough attraction to lure the addict away. What that is for every person may be different. What worked for me was spending time working in the yard, with the lawn and the trees. After having to live in Arizona for six years, it was a blessing and a relief to have a yard with trees and grass. Nature has been very theraputic in my case. But the lure from the games needs to be tailored to suit your spouse's interests.

All men are suckers when it comes to one thing, and while I wouldn't recommend using it to get what you want, if you dangle a particular shiny object in front of any man with a pulse, he'll become a lot more pliable. Again, I wouldn't recommend using it to get what you want, but it does have the ability to get a man's attention in a hurry. Just a thought. Be prudent with this approach. Be careful and judicious.

Another thought: it helped me to see my addiction as not being the typical behavior of a man, and I was allowed to come to that conclusion independently. To a point, gaming was how I dealt with feeling like a shut in and a prisoner in a desert suburbia (I'm from the rural midwest). Plus, I didn't really fit in with anyone out there, but when I came back home, I noticed that I didn't know the things that a man should know because I didn't spend time doing the things that most men do. In other words, I felt kind of "un-manly". This motivated me to spend more time doing more "manly" things like yard work, fixing vehicles, home repairs, etc. And the fulfillment I felt at feeling more like a real man helped keep the cravings for games away.

Whatever you do, don't withhold your love as punishment for the gamer. Don't make him feel judged or persecuted. Encourage him to redirect his attention. I wouldn't advise trying to make him see himself as strange for being a gamer, even if he's not paying enough attention to his family, but if you can very carefully help him see that his addiction is unhealthy, that might be a good idea at some point. But you have to help him see, not make him see. You have to be very careful too, otherwise you'll do more harm than good and you'd actually be better off having left him alone.

Just let him know that you love him, that you need him to spend less time on it, and make it clear why. Make sure your reasons are more compelling than "it makes you look dorky to me." If you don't he will probably assume that you just want to control him. Gamers don't think they're hurting anyone. If you suggest otherwise, you need to be careful about it and have some convincing evidence or testimony.

In my addiction, I'd have gladly stepped away from the computer to spend time with my wife when I felt loved by and emotionally safe with her. If she asked me to step away, I needed to feel it was because she wanted me to be with her, spend time with her, etc. If I thought she wanted me to step away just because she didn't find what I was doing to be cool enough, I'd stay at it out of protest.

Love will lead the addict away from the games a lot faster than anger or contempt (real or perceived) will. Wear the kid gloves and be patient. Chastisement, derision, bitterness, impatience, judgmentalism, pomposity, etc., will all make things worse than if you just left the gamer to himself to game for as long as he wants.

Your gamer may be able to still game once in a while without it being a problem, once the addiction is broken. You need to let him decide what's best, ultimately. I still game once in a while, if I'm bored and can't think of anything else to do, if I'm home alone for a few hours, etc. And maybe I'll feel the need to beat the game and will continue it whenever I can find the spare time to do it, but I always end up putting the game away and going back to normal. Feeling free to game or not to game if I choose is absolutely necessary. Feeling like I had to get my gaming in during "permissable hours" made it feel impossible to stop. Freedom, on the other hand, seems to dull the desire a lot. If I can play my games anytime I want, I don't feel the need to do it right now. I can always do it some other time. And some other time normally never comes and I'm okay with that because I've got other things I'd rather do anyway.

Someday, after your gamer's addiction is broken, he'll realize how he's treating you right now. You'll have to wait until then for justice. First you need to show mercy, and help your gamer overcome his addiction. You can't do it for him, but you can help him. Remember to lure him away from it with pleasant things. Let the decision not to game be his. He will respect you for it. He will feel freedom instead of persecution. He will have a better chance at letting go of the addiction.

Good luck to you. Remember to be patient and loving. God bless.

[funkenheimer]

I love playing video games. I love playing many different types of video games. I play with my daughters, I play by myself, I play with my brothers. I sometimes even play with my dad. I am an avid WoW (World of Warcraft) player and been playing for a little more than 2 years now. I have no desire to stop, nor do I feel the need to stop.

Having said that, I am recently divorced and I have custody of our 2 daughters so I am finding myself with much less time on my hands than previously. I play video games when I have nothing else to do. To me its no different than someone who watches TV.

Here is how I feel about video games.

First of all, there is no such thing as video game addiction. It's not possible. Meriam Webster defines addiction as follows:

compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

The term that most people casually throw around, "video game addiction" is more likely a lack of self control. If I were to stop playing video games tomorrow, which I will NOT do, I would have absolutely no physical symptoms. I might perhaps feel some anxeity as now I would have much more time in my day to fill with other things, but there would be no physical or psychological harm.

Second, since when does forcing someone to do, or not to do, something bring about the result you desire. Threatening to burn, smash, uninstall, or delete the game, or in extreme cases, threatening seperation or divorce, rarely brings about the desired outcome. The fact that you are willing to throw away your marriage over a video game is just as absurd as the amount of time he spends playing the game. I often have used games like World of Warcraft as an escape. It lets me go to another world where I didn't have to worry about things like bills, finances, work, nagging wife, and other stressers.

Forcing someone to quit or giving an ultimatum is not the Lord's way. The Lord loves us so much he gave us moale agency so we can learn and grow by making decisions, and sometimes making mistakes. He loved us so much that he gave us this gift knowing that right off the bat 1/3 of his children would choose not to follow this plan and be cast out. Who are we to attempt to take away this divine gift from another.

Instead I would offer an alternative, but first a story from the Book of Mormon. We all know the story of the time Nephi broke his bow while hunting. When he returned home with no food nearly everyone was murmuring against him. Even Lehi murmured. This would be the perfect opportunity for Nephi to assume the role as prophet and leader. Instead Nephi asks his dad where he should go hunting. With this question Nephi restores all faith in Lehi and he carries on as prophet and continues to lead his family. The point to all of this is simple. If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is. But if you treat a man as he may become, he will become whom he may become. Check out the Book of Mormon study guide for more details.

By trying to force or manipulate someone to give up video games you are treating him as he is and he will remain as he is. Perhaps its time to start treating him as the caring father/priesthood holder that he can be.

One more thing, and this may sound harsh, but perhaps the constant nagging about his video game playing is part of the reality he is trying to escape. I can't speak for all of us gamers, but this has definately been the case for me on many occasions.