Hopeless Cause?

[teacherdani]

Hello my sisters:

I am going to be baptized March 22, and I am SO excited. I just wanted to share that until I found this church even though I had been married for almost 7 years I never cooked, cleaned, or did laundry simply because I didn't know how to do it. I never knew how to sew, or do crafty things. Now that I have found the church I am cooking every night, cleaning, taking EXCELLENT care of my family, and putting myself after them. Previously I put myself first. I have a 2 year old daughter and a wonderful husband who has put up with my ineptness. I still don't know how to do many things- I am not a good mom as far as being able to entertain my daughter in church or elsewhere. I never know what I need to keep her entertained, I still don't know how to do laundry, and I still need help with learning to cook. I need more help with sewing and knitting and other household skills. Some of you may be wondering why I never learned these things- to keep in short and simple I lived in a family where I was expected to do everything- I was seriously neglected and expected to raise my brother who was 5 years younger than me. My mother didn't teach me anything about household things, except not to do them and that they aren't important. She also didn't teach me how to be a good mother because she wasn't. I won't go too far into all of that as I love her and I am grateful for her bringing me to Jesus (even though she is anti-mormon). I saw myself in the window reflection about a week ago cooking and cleaning for my family- it felt really weird to see myself doing it. My family is SO grateful though, and I know there are blessings in doing it. I feel like I still have so much more to learn and that in some ways I am a hopeless cause. What would you suggest? Am I a hopeless cause?

Thank you and I love you sisters so much!!!!


God Bless,

Dani

[teacherdani]

PS- I was taught that motherhood was an unsuccessful life choice and that it ruins your life. I kept my mother from earning her degree since she was pregnant with me. Therefore, I viewed children and hassles and never as blessings growing up.

[Gwen]

though knowing those things can be fulfiling and make some tasks easier...............but, good thing my salvation isn't determined by it. can't sew, can't knit, or anything of the like. i do have a bit of a crafty mind but it's more ideas not much actually gets created. my home is ......... almost always messy........yeah i guess that is the best way to say it. somedays i'm quite proud of my kids others i want to pretend they aren't mine. lol cooking.....well we don't starve, i figure that's a good start. lol

i assume since you didn't do these things before that your hubby helped out a lot? that's ok, if it's working for you then go for it. not saying you shouldn't learn those things, they are good things to know. but teaching your children and having them know you love them is most important. they are also good things to learn so you can teach your children, the value of work is important.

in many ways it can be good for kids to see their parents learn new things. even if they seem simple. my mom had a deprived childhood and i got to watch her learn to swim and ride a bike. lol it was great and i learned a lot from seeing that.

never to late and never a lost cause........................well my orginazational skills might be but that's neither here nor there. lol

[Alaskagain]

No, you are not a hopeless cause! My house is messy a lot too.

It helps if you can set a schedule, on mondays do the dusting, tuesdays scrub the bathroom, etc. etc. If you work outside the home, don't try to do it all every day, you will only exhaust yourself. After dinner, just take 15 minutes and you and hubby and 2 yr old race around the house seeing who can put the most things away.

One family I know cleans the whole house together top to bottom every saturday morning - even moves the furniture around so absolutely no square inch is missed. It can get messy by the next Wednesday, but it is clean underneath the clutter.

Whatever works for your family, that is what you do.

And that's great news on your upcoming baptism!

[RachelleDrew]

Your husband didn't marry you because he thought you could make some good dinner or keep his shirts white. He married you for the things you CAN do, not the things you can't. A lack of skill in certain domestic areas does not mean ineptitude.

But those skills can be very helpful when it comes to running an organized household. Luckily, the basics are very easily learned. You may not ever be Martha Stewart, but anybody can learn the very bare essentials of cooking, sewing, cleaning, etc. Ask your friends from church for some pointers! I've found that most of the women there are very helpful when it comes to stuff like this.

And don't feel bad. I couldn't scrapbook to save my life, and quite frankly I could care less if I never knit a sweater. I still feel like I do my job in the home.

[SMG]

Hon, you are NOT hopeless! Your salvation and worth as a person are NOT determined by how well you can cook, clean or make any crafts. Everyone has to start somewhere, no matter if they are age 2 or 92. If you want to learn how to do things, like cooking, there are many many resources you can consult. It can be as simple as asking a friend for lessons or heading to the local library.

God loves you very much. I somehow doubt He'd want you to be putting yourself down just because you aren't the best cook or don't know how to make sock puppets or something of that nature!

[WillowTheWhisp]

Of course you aren't a hopeless case, far from it. It sounds like you are doing great and it's so exciting that you are getting baptised. Don't let yourself get discouraged by trying to do and be everything at once. I did, but finally I saw sense. Enjoy life, and enjoy learning new things. I'm sure there will be sisters only too happy to share their skills with you.

Have a grest day when you get baptised.

[Misshalfway]

I frankly hate to clean. Hate the dishes. Rebel against the whole dish thing and get paper plates as a little gift to myself once in a while. I think one needs awesome music and a release of any perfectionistic thought! Then cleaning becomes a whole lot easier.

I don't know how old your kidlets are but mine help me out a lot. I make them scrub toilets and wash walls and do dishes and help with dinner. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. (My mother in law helps me remember that) but we do just fine. And my kids are learning responsibility and housekeeping skills and I am learning too. Now my house stays fairly clean. And when it is not looking like a show room then we try not to sweat it.

Another thing that helps us, is to be organized. Everything has a place and a label. Then the kids know where to replace an item and I can remind them without repeating myself eight-hundred times a day. Job charts help too.

Over the years, I have observed my girlfriends to see how them manage their households. Crock pots are the best things in the world. And so are super capacity washer and dryers!!!

[FairChild]

Dear Teacherdani,
One website I use is FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home.
FairChild

[Elphaba]

I am going to be baptized March 22, and I am SO excited. I just wanted to share that until I found this church even though I had been married for almost 7 years I never cooked, cleaned, or did laundry simply because I didn't know how to do it. <snip> I feel like I still have so much more to learn and that in some ways I am a hopeless cause. What would you suggest? Am I a hopeless cause?

I find your post concerning. What did finding the Church have to do with learning household skills?

I’ll be blunt. I think your priorities are more of an issue than your lack of skills. IMO your daughter should be your top priority. Everything else can be addressed but needs to be prioritized by importance.

For example, I would think laundry would be a priority, as would cooking. Only you can prioritize these skills, but when you make the list, you need to put the unnecessary things, like knitting and sewing at the very bottom of the list, because they are simply not important right now. Only focus on the important things. You have time to knit later.

As I said, IMO your daughter is the number one priority. You talk about not being able to entertain her. Two year olds are notorious for this and it’s not your fault, but you don’t know this because, like you say, you weren’t raised with the skills you need to be a mother.

There are many resources on child development and if you were to access them, specifically about toddlers, you would understand why your daughter acts the way she does. You would learn that she is seeking autonomy, but at the same time she is not yet ready to let go of you. It is an important phase in her development that you need to learn how to handle, for the both of you. In fact, child development does not end at two; rather, it continues all of our lives. You’ll have her until at least 18, so now is a great time to learn about the phases of her life, and be prepared to be the mother yours was not. I hear from you the desire to do that.

Only you can decide what the real priorities are. But you need to ask yourself, who is demanding these things of you? Is it the sisters from the Church, or is it you? I get the feeling that you are demanding more of yourself than is realistic. Your language, such as “Am I A Hopeless Cause,” is fatalistic. But you’re not a failure. You’re very brave in my opinion.

Elphaba