Marriage

[Soul_Searcher]

[QUOTE=anatess;377978]

Coming from a lofty 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that thoughts of other women do not just disappear all of a sudden because you happened to decide to get married.

Of course not, but thats not the issue here. My husband can walk down the road and look at an attractive woman and think, 'she's attractive' Its if he was thinking 'hmm I'd like a bit of that, maybe I can sneak out later, or damn she's hotter than my wife' is when you have a problem.

When my husband and I decided to get married, the same thing went through my head. What happens if I meet somebody better - more attractive, nicer, more money, who loves me, etc.? And I answered - oh well, nice meeting ya! And that's when I knew I was ready.

That thought has never even entered my head once! I personally think that I couldnt have possibly married anyone better than my husband. I feel so so lucky to have him and sometimes marvel at my good fortune. The only time I think of what it would be like to have married someone else is to thank my lucky stars and I shudder at the thought of not finding my DH and marrying someone else instead!

blusun7-If you are confused and dont know what to do, TALK TO YOUR FIANCEE. Explain how you are feeling, and be prepared that she may be hurt, upset and not want to continue the relationship. I think you are going to have to make some tough decisions and you are putting it off because it will be hard and people will get hurt. It might suck, but you have to do the right thing.

[beefche]

Blu,

There is a scripture that has helped me tremendously when it comes to making decisions. It's D&C 9:7-9:

7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

This scripture was to Oliver C. as he wanted to translate. I understand this scripture to mean (for me) that in order to make a decision, I have to decide myself. I use my brain and actions and pray to come to a decision, then pray saying in essence, "Lord, I've decided A. Is that a good decision for me? Do you approve?" If the answer is yes, then I typically feel peace or a sense of "rightness." If the answer is no or not yet, then I typically feel unsettled, confused, doubting, etc.

That's how I feel--you may or may not feel the same. For something as important as marriage, I think the Lord (if you are living right and doing your part) will give you a clear answer. To me, it sounds like you have very many doubts about this girl. That doesn't mean she is a bad person, you are a bad person, or whatever. It is what it is.

The best thing to do is decide. You've dated this girl long enough to know if marriage between the 2 of you is right. If you don't think it is, then the best thing to do is break it off with her--completely. Don't drag her around with "I love you, but don't think we should get married. Maybe I'll change my mind, but let's date others to find out." Women need to know where the relationship is and it isn't fair to her to keep her on the line while you search the waters.

Take time to pray sincerely about this. If you are temple endowed, then take time to go to the temple. If you are not temple endowed, then pretend you are and go away for a couple of hours by yourself where you can be completely alone and take that time to ponder and pray.

[anatess]

Originally Posted by Soul_Searcher

That thought has never even entered my head once! I personally think that I couldnt have possibly married anyone better than my husband. I feel so so lucky to have him and sometimes marvel at my good fortune. The only time I think of what it would be like to have married someone else is to thank my lucky stars and I shudder at the thought of not finding my DH and marrying someone else instead!

Yep! That's what I felt AFTER I decided to get married. Counting myself all kinds of fool for having doubted it in the first place.

[Soul_Searcher]

Some apprehension is natural. I felt I wanted to run away at one point, before we were even engaged. I think its a normal reaction to something life changing, but it doesnt mean that you dont want it, you are just nervous at the changes to come.

[blusun7]

yeah i think that is what i need is time to myself. She is around 24 seven and gets upset if she is not with me. I love to be alone. i have since my mom pasted at a young age. Kinda of like a mechanism for being alone. there is a sense of peace when im alone. I am able to think.May be that is all i need is to be alone for awhile. I love her very much but i don't think she is the one for me but if i were to stay she would treat me great but she doesn't see things the way i do. That doesn't make our relationship bad but i guess the honesty im giving to you all i wish she would give to me.

This is what is happening. She is pressuring marriage on me cause of her twin sisters. We have been together 3 years.I dont feel compelled to marry yet. We have a great relationship but when marriage idea comes into play i put the brakes on. Kinda of like Kate Perry says"you hot then cold"
Im breaking under the pressure and want to say you know what im out.i feel i should be the one to ask out of my own heart. I feel like she is forcing the relationship into the direction she wants(woman have a good way of getting what they want)and it is pushing me away cause it is not what i want(i think i just answered myself on that last sentence that is crazy woot woot)

Anywho but with that said Let me tell you all one more thing.
I had a dream along time ago that i had kids and was playing in a pool and my wife was holding one of two kids outside the pool and here is the kicker..she was blonde.
That other girl that i told you about is blonde.
We have kept in touch since high school but but somehow we cant seem to get close enough to date again in our grown up state of mind.
Just thought i throw that in there.

I really think you all are right. i need down time from my current relationship and sitting her down and let her know what is up. I hate when people cry though and get mad and act like it is all my fault. Ohh well its got to happen someday right?

[desert_fox]

Why not just talk about all the concerns you have with her?

Whenever I feel like my girlfriend and I's relationship is getting sorta stuck due to worries and things, I just talk about the things that are troubling me with her. It's not always easy, but it's a good thing to get used to sooner rather than later.

We're also looking to get married....buuut from a financial standpoint that's kind of impossible at the moment.

[Islander]

Originally Posted by blusun7

yeah i think that is what i need is time to myself. She is around 24 seven and gets upset if she is not with me. I love to be alone. i have since my mom pasted at a young age. Kinda of like a mechanism for being alone. there is a sense of peace when im alone. I am able to think.May be that is all i need is to be alone for awhile. I love her very much but i don't think she is the one for me but if i were to stay she would treat me great but she doesn't see things the way i do. That doesn't make our relationship bad but i guess the honesty im giving to you all i wish she would give to me.

This is what is happening. She is pressuring marriage on me cause of her twin sisters. We have been together 3 years.I dont feel compelled to marry yet. We have a great relationship but when marriage idea comes into play i put the brakes on. Kinda of like Kate Perry says"you hot then cold"
Im breaking under the pressure and want to say you know what im out.i feel i should be the one to ask out of my own heart. I feel like she is forcing the relationship into the direction she wants(woman have a good way of getting what they want)and it is pushing me away cause it is not what i want(i think i just answered myself on that last sentence that is crazy woot woot)

Anywho but with that said Let me tell you all one more thing.
I had a dream along time ago that i had kids and was playing in a pool and my wife was holding one of two kids outside the pool and here is the kicker..she was blonde.
That other girl that i told you about is blonde.
We have kept in touch since high school but but somehow we cant seem to get close enough to date again in our grown up state of mind.
Just thought i throw that in there.

I really think you all are right. i need down time from my current relationship and sitting her down and let her know what is up. I hate when people cry though and get mad and act like it is all my fault. Ohh well its got to happen someday right?

You should terminate that relationship as soon as you can so that BOTH of you can move on. You are prolonging the inevitable in a way, by not being honest with her, you nurture hopes and dreams that will not come true. The relationship seems lopsided, according to your description, and you are not really happy.

Maybe you should go to a pro and let her/him mediate the breakup but you need to face up to the reality of the situation. And you need to man up and handle the situation. Not doing the right thing because it makes you feel like a villain for making her cry is not a mature position. Sorry if I sound blunt, diplomacy is not my forte.

[Zurama]

Judging by your description of the relationship, it's obvious that you don't love her and have no intention of marrying her.

Do the decent thing and let her go.

Also, let me give you another piece of advice.......stop looking back at that relationship from high school and start looking forward. I've been there. Don't look back, unless you can learn something from it.

[spirettedotter]

If you don't know what to do, DON'T get married until you know for sure. Tell your fiance' you care very much for her, and think you want a life with her (if that's what you feel) but you just aren't ready yet. Be honest and kind. Tell her it won't be fair to her if you marry her until you are sure and ready. If you can't talk to this girl honestly (whether it's your inability or the dynamics of your relationship), you sure shouldn't be marrying her.

Ask yourself if you can live with this woman forever. Ask yourself if you can live without her. Which feels better or worse? PRAY about your decision. Talk to a trusted church leader. Can you go to the temple? Praying at the temple could help you know what you want, when it's the right time, and what is right for you.

Consider getting counseling about your decision. But most of all, don't go forward with marriage to anyone until you know with certainty you are ready to make the committment to her for the rest of eternity, and work hard to make it work.

[FairChild]

Hurt a little or hurt a lot? To break up now would hurt a little, to break up after marraige especially if there are children involved would hurt a lot.

Some people recharge themselves through solitude and some recharge themselves in groups of people. You just may need some space to think and recharge. Either way is ok, it just is.