Marriage

blusun7 · #1 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 11:20 AM

I have a woman i have been with. She is beautiful,loving,caring ,twin etc... she really is a great person. Marriage has been coming up all the time and i kind of say"yeah well get married someday" but i feel like im say it to make her be quiet. This has been in the last year now. Her twin sis got married and now it is getting hot and heavy and im going with it but in my heart i just want to say stop. I do love her very much but i dont know if this is cold feet or what.

I have prayed but i feel like my emotions are getting involved and plus Has anyone gone through something like this.... I have been thinking of a person on and off in my head but i havent talked to her in a long time,3years, but lately she has popped in my head and i dont know why? I feel compelled to say hi never had the urge but lately it is stronger.I dont think it is an escape but i prayed to get be with someone who will make me happy and grow.Basically finding the right person and living in the right area for a family close to my family.This woman lives in AZ. Close to my hometown of Tx.Literally i have never thought of her like this she just recently popped in my head.

I want to get married very soon and i want it to be with the right person. I just cant help that i cant make up my mind and it is frustrating. Does god want me to marry the girl im with or did he answer a prayer and wants me to contact the other girl?Isnt that cheating is what i tell myself.
Can you see where my dilemma comes in?
Im not bored with my relationship. Im just wanted to get married soon and start a family but what am i to do?
i know my aunt and uncle who are members where about to get married with other people and they soon realized they were right for eachother and married eachother and they have gone on for over 25 years.

I just want to make the right choice and im struggling. I dont have any family up here but my dad but my dad just says trust in the spirit or in the lord but he does say he is not the best person for advice cause he has been divorced. I dont want to be divorced. the perosn i marry is the person i marry. That is my goal and what i will work towards.

help

Soul_Searcher · #2 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 11:43 AM

Why do you want to get married 'very soon'. Whats the rush? We in the church look for a person to fill the marriage, wheras we should fall in love with someone and want marriage with them because we love them so much. It sounds like you are going about it the wrong way.

If you are thinking of someone else it could be that you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If you are this unsure I would not consider marriage. It would not be fair on your girlfriend.

I wonder why you are so desperate to get married though. That feeling alone could cause you to jump into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Slow down, take your time, and have a heart to heart with your girlfriend.

Loudmouth_Mormon · #3 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 11:54 AM

Yeah, it's hard to figure out which one is the right one. I personally fasted for 3 days and showed up to my patriarchical blessing appt with an engagement ring to find out what the Lord thought of it.

Not sure if something similar would work for you, but at 12+yrs and counting, it worked for me!

Wingnut · #4 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soul_Searcher

Why do you want to get married 'very soon'. Whats the rush? We in the church look for a person to fill the marriage, wheras we should fall in love with someone and want marriage with them because we love them so much. It sounds like you are going about it the wrong way.

If you are thinking of someone else it could be that you are looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If you are this unsure I would not consider marriage. It would not be fair on your girlfriend.

I wonder why you are so desperate to get married though. That feeling alone could cause you to jump into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Slow down, take your time, and have a heart to heart with your girlfriend.

While I agree with everything else in your post, I have to respectfully disagree with the bolded part. I am not ignorant of the fact that there are many who do seek marriage because they're "old" (24, by many LDS standards) or because their mission president said so, but it's not the majority.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loudmouth_Mormon

Yeah, it's hard to figure out which one is the right one. I personally fasted for 3 days and showed up to my patriarchical blessing appt with an engagement ring to find out what the Lord thought of it.

Not sure if something similar would work for you, but at 12+yrs and counting, it worked for me!

I'm confused...did you propose to the Patriarch?

foreverafter · #5 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 03:26 PM

If you are having thoughts & feelings for or desires to see or be with someone else other than your fiance, then you aren't ready to be married. It would not be fair to your fiance. If you can't be faithful in your thoughts & feelings during the engagement period then you will probably have trouble doing so in marriage too. You must have no other desires or thoughts for anyone other than her & feel that you can't live without her. Don't rush into marriage if you are not sure. Go date this other woman so you will know for sure one way or another. If your present fiance is the right one, she will be there after you get all other girls out of your system & head.

This life is a long hard road & your happiness will depend in large part on if you make the right choice in marriage. A poor choice in a marriage partner can put you in misery the rest of your life, especially if you don't consider divorce an option & you just endure to the end, which I believe is the right thing to do but it's very hard. So choose well & don't rush & make sure you can really give your whole heart, mind & body to her.

Misshalfway · #6 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foreverafter

If you are having thoughts & feelings for or desires to see or be with someone else other than your fiance, then you aren't ready to be married. It would not be fair to your fiance. You must have no other desires or thoughts for anyone other than her & feel you can't live without her. Don't rush into marriage if you are not sure. Go date this other woman so you will know for sure one way or another. If your present fiance is the right one, she will be there after you get all other girls out of your system & head.

This life is a long hard road & your happiness will depend in large part on if you make the right choice in marriage. A poor choice in a marriage partner can put you in misery the rest of your life, especially if you don't consider divorce an option & you just endure to the end, which I believe is the right thing to do. So choose well & don't rush.

You really think his fiance would be there after all the other girls were out of his system?????? Oh please.

beefche · #7 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 03:31 PM

I'm curious Blun, were your earlier issues with your girlfriend resolved? Convert Question

Elgama · #8 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 03:47 PM

two lovely quotes by Spencer W Kimball come to mind
"'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

and

“Well, don't just pray to marry the one you love; Instead, pray to love the one you marry.”

Love is a choice we make as Latter Day Saints we are taught a different idea of love by our prophets. Love really is only there for when you don't like each other very much

-Charley

anatess · #9 (**permalink**) 06-10-2009, 05:44 PM

Coming from a lofty 12 years of marriage, I can tell you that thoughts of other women do not just disappear all of a sudden because you happened to decide to get married. If you're confused about it now, you will be confused even after you've decided to marry somebody. And that, my friend, is the recipe for all these divorces all over the place. Because, when the going gets rough, there will always be this nagging thought in your head, "Man, I should have married that other girl!"...

I had a boyfriend of 8 years and then we decided to get married. 1 week before the ceremony, I backed out. That was tough. Messed everybody up. My parents flew from the Philippines to Ohio to attend the wedding that never happened! 5 years later, I married my husband and we've been married 12 years now.

So what happened? I was not ready to get married. A thought occurred to me - "What happens if 5 years down the line, I meet this wonderful guy who is much better than this guy I'm going to marry? Wouldn't that be a tragedy!". And right then and there, I knew I can't marry yet.

When my husband and I decided to get married, the same thing went through my head. What happens if I meet somebody better - more attractive, nicer, more money, who loves me, etc.? And I answered - oh well, nice meeting ya! And that's when I knew I was ready.

If I would have married my ex-boyfriend, would I have been miserable? Probably not. We'd probably have a successful marriage with a nice family and everything - he was a great guy. But, that wasn't the decision I made. I decided to marry my husband.

So, the thing is, Love is really not just a feeling - although that has a lot to do with it. It is ultimately a LIFELONG DECISION. And the tricky part is - you have to make sure you and the girl make the same decision.

blusun7 · #10 (**permalink**) 06-11-2009, 12:05 AM

Yes Beefche i did have that problem but we broke up for a week and then she started listening to things i was saying about the church. Then got back together. i feel like i am rushing it or postponing it i cannot decide but really deep down inside im unsure and i feel like im just not doing things right and i ll never know who is right for me.

I just dont know how i would tell my girlfreind that i dont want to get married soon and to stop harassing me about it. Ladies how could i do this? Im not a pig and i dont like to play the field but right now im not sure if im ready or unsure of things.. Im i wrong for loving someone but not letting them go i tried but she cannot let go of me. We met eachother at a time when we needed eachother cause we both go cheated on.

Really what im i to do.
I dont think im taking an escape route cause i really dont feel that is happening. When it comes down to getting married i feel the brakes. I just dont think it is normal.

I dont know what to do im getting confused.
I post different things on here cause i can depend on good answers and truth. My life keeps going on and i need advice.You know...