Girls: Could you marry a guy like this?

[Maxel]

A question has been pressing on me lately. A good friend of mine really wants to get married, but isn't ready. He has a few psychological and emotional problems that make marriage difficult.

One of his main problems is that he's not very fiscally mature. He does all right when someone's there watching him and with him, but when he's on his own he's not able to really function. He knows he has these problems and is working on them, but because of his physical and spiritual makeup and things that happened to him in his youth he's not progressing very quickly. He has a difficult time holding down a job.

The question I have is: are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this? He really wants to do what's right and tries a lot, and is making progress. He'll never be someone who can provide a lot of material goods, and he'll always have emotional problems. Are there any women out there who would ever want to yoke themselves to a guy like that (I'm not asking to pass along names; he's just really depressed, thinking that he'll never be desirable).

[Dravin]

Must resist...

(Rolls 1 on will save).

Assuming both of them are 16 and not married any girl could marry him, its a question of would they.

are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this?

Considering there are women who marry and stay with men who beat them I'm sure there are. I think the main concern is not is there a woman out there who would be willing to marry him but that like attracts like (contrary to the old saw about opposites attract). So I'd be worried that he'd end up with somebody just as fiscally irresponsible or suffering from the same (in nature if not degree) emotional problems as himself and that could be disastrous.

Its kinda like the old joke about dumping a girl because she's not very good material and using the fact that she was willing to go out with you as evidence.

However things are a little bit skewed, we've just heard (mostly) his faults and alone they sound damning, but great flaws can be made up with as great or ever greater positive attributes. If his only problem is fiscal (not to down play it) but he is the most amazing person ever otherwise its perfectly plausible that he'll find a women (with her own flaws of course) the compliments or at least doesn't mind and aggravate his own.

[cofchristcousin]

I would say yes. Depression is temporary, and with proper care this state of mind is not a permanent condition. There may always be some degree of problem but most likely much of it will come under control. Also, Many people are late bloomers in the discipline of stewardship and loving themselves to the degree that they can healthily love a spouse. It takes time, Look at how many people rush into things before they are emotionally ready and it ends in a sad divorce. There is time for your friend to find his way. Things probably look a little bleaker to him due to his depression, but hope and love will come into his life as he heals and grows. imo

[beefche]

Yes, someone could and would love someone like this. I agree with cofchristcousin that depression is a treatable condition. It may be a life long struggle with ups and downs, but most of life is like that even for people who don't suffer from clinical depression.

Also, many, many people are fiscally irresponsible. They may not realize it, thinking that everyone has job problems or money problems, but they learn to deal with it and move on. I think knowing weaknesses is a first start to getting better about something. I have a friend who is married to a guy that cannot budget for the life of him. She is a penny pincher. After many years, they've finally found a way to work it out for them.

So, long answer is yes, I think a man like this can find a woman who will love, accept, and work with him.

[Maxel]

Well, this guy has some redeeming qualities, of course. But, in an adult relationship, if he's unable to provide it would put a serious strain on the marriage.

One of his biggest concerns isn't just fiscal immaturity, but also the fact that he's unable to hold down a job. The depression is always there but sometimes it gets really, really bad and he can't get to work because getting on a bus takes too much emotional effort, as does doing anything else.

I'm wondering if maybe some sort of serious, committed relationship would help him. I know (and he knows) that it's best not to look at marriage as a salve to heal wounds, but it's possible to conceive a loving wife would be able to have the patience and strength required to help him out when things get really tough.

I don't know. He's been one of my best friends since childhood, and he's always wanted to be married and have a healthy relationship. He's just fretting and getting down on himself so much...

[cofchristcousin]

Is your friend seeing a professional counselor? The low self worth thinking seems rather serious. A counselor can help with that, and if it isn't maybe it's time to go to a different counselor. I am positive your friend is wonderful and it will take time and physical healing and learning to challenge his own defeated thinking for him to see it for himself. I am praying for this guy now! I want him to know joy and peace and love in his life, and then he will be able to deeply share that with loved ones and even his own family one day.

[Gwen]

if he is making marriage a goal of sorts then he should treat it like one. get some of the books ppl have recommended for salvaging marriages (love languages, his needs her needs, etc), take all the personality tests he can find, read up on what they say is the most compatible type for him and then set some personal goals. learn how to be that person that can have a good marriage. learn how to look for the personality that will best suit him. become what she will want in him. do all the hard work before he finds someone... then maybe he won't be in the same situation as so many others coming on here asking "now what? i'm married but it's in peices. how do i save this?" i personally don't think there is anything wrong (in fact i think it's very appropriate) for him when he meets someone to ask her to take some of the same personality tests he did (sharing his resluts with her as well), if it gets serious ask her to read some of the same books. have her figure herself out before they get married as well.

[beefche]

I'll second cofchristcousin about seeking appropriate treatment. Even if he is currently receiving treatment, he needs to take care of himself and continue with medications and/or counseling. Depression does not have to rule one's life. Yes, it has it's ups and downs, but taking care of it during the ups and preparing for the downs will enable him to endure the downs better.

[Maxel]

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. My friend is kind of giving up... Not really interested in holding onto life anymore. He has bigger problems than being marriage material now.

[sanguine]

Originally Posted by Maxel

A question has been pressing on me lately. A good friend of mine really wants to get married, but isn't ready. He has a few psychological and emotional problems that make marriage difficult.

One of his main problems is that he's not very fiscally mature. He does all right when someone's there watching him and with him, but when he's on his own he's not able to really function. He knows he has these problems and is working on them, but because of his physical and spiritual makeup and things that happened to him in his youth he's not progressing very quickly. He has a difficult time holding down a job.

The question I have is: are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this? He really wants to do what's right and tries a lot, and is making progress. He'll never be someone who can provide a lot of material goods, and he'll always have emotional problems. Are there any women out there who would ever want to yoke themselves to a guy like that (I'm not asking to pass along names; he's just really depressed, thinking that he'll never be desirable).

My SIL married a guy like that, he's never held down a job or wanted to do anything, but be taken care of. She likes it in many ways, because she likes mothering and likes to be in control. Sometimes it annoys them both, but mostly it suits their personalities.
Sadly neither seem to grow in that sort of situation.

There is somebody for everyone.