Dating a non member

ccxc910 · #1 (**permalink**) 11-29-2009, 10:37 PM

I was young and didn't know what love is. I was dating and became more and more drawn to one guy. Of course he is a non member. (I never get along with members when dating???) Anyway we have fallen in love. He told me he has had sex before. I wanted to end it because he isn't worthy. But it isn't like he is a member anyway. But still I have this strange hope that I can convert him. He then told me he has repented.
Repented by non member standards. How does this work. If he repents to the best of his knowledge is he as clean as if a member went through the grueling repentance process over sexual sin?
I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more about this but I never get an answer so I'm assuming God trusts my decisions.
Any impressions, feelings, advice? Please help.

I read something by some speaker I don't remember his name but he was a member of the church and he was saying how cruel it is for members to date non members and then have to end it because of the temple marriage thing. I had no idea I was only 17 at the time! I feel awful.

FairChild · #2 (**permalink**) 11-30-2009, 04:49 AM

Twice I dated non-memebers believing they would convert. The first became so anti, he physically and mentally abused me so I could not go to church. He used our infant son as a pawn in a very twisted game to prevent me from contact with my church family. My 2nd husband was neither here nor there with church until I left because of abuse and then he did everything short of baptism to try and gain me back.

God gives us free agency to choose and make our own decisions. Makes life a whole lot harder, doesn't it.

Wait till he is a church member and then think about marraige, not marry and wait till he converts.

That is my 2 cents. FC

danceinthedark · #3 (**permalink**) 11-30-2009, 04:55 PM

I am a non-member married to a member...and trust me you cannot convert him...it will only tear you two apart. He will resent you for trying to force something on him that he doesn't want. I married my member husband because he and I were both honest about our faiths. He said he loved my as I am and would not push his chrurch on me. Our marriage works because their is no hidden agenda -which is nice because it alows me to be apart of his faith without feeling he is trying to convert me. You cannot convert someone...only Christ can....IMHO

prisonchaplain · #4 (**permalink**) 11-30-2009, 05:55 PM

It's not approrpriate to date someone who's religion you cannot support. My wife was Presbyterian, me Assemblies of God. But, I went to a Presbyterian college, and our churches consider each other to be "family." Ultimately my wife joined my church, and is very comfortable in it.

None of that works so well with the CoJCoLDS. The doctrines of the Great Apostasy, the Restoration, and Eternal Marriage all make inter-denominational marriage hugely problematic. Even if you settle (i.e. join the other's church), you must be certain you will not become bitter about it, holding a grudge against your new beloved spouse.

It's a dangerous game. I'd recommend against it.

beefche · #5 (**permalink**) 11-30-2009, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ccxc910

I was young and didn't know what love is. I was dating and became more and more drawn to one guy. Of course he is a non member. (I never get along with members when dating???) Anyway we have fallen in love. He told me he has had sex before. I wanted to end it because he isn't worthy. But it isn't like he is a member anyway. But still I have this strange hope that I can convert him. He then told me he has repented.
Repented by non member standards. How does this work. If he repents to the best of his knowledge is he as clean as if a member went through the grueling repentance process over sexual sin?
I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more about this but I never get an answer so I'm assuming God trusts my decisions.
Any impressions, feelings, advice? Please help.

I read something by some speaker I don't remember his name but he was a member of the church and he was saying how cruel it is for members to date non members and then have to end it because of the temple marriage thing. I had no idea I was only 17 at the time! I feel awful.

I'm going to be blunt here--you are still young! You are 18 and still young to truly know what love is. Do you have strong feelings for this guy? Of course you do. Is 18 too young to marry/date seriously? Not necessarily. But, you have to realize that you have to know what you want from life. Then you date a boy who most closely falls within your plan for life.

So, do you have a testimony of the Church? Are you active? Do you plan on being sealed in the temple--not just get married, then maybe get sealed, but get married/sealed in the temple at the beginning?

Dating a non-member is dangerous territory if your goal is to marry in God's temple. Why? Because you will never, ever, in a million years convert anyone. It is the Holy Ghost who converts--you may introduce someone to the Gospel and may even have an influence, but you can never change anyone (remember that one for any factor regarding marriage--is he a cheapskate now? well, he will still be one after marriage). The only person you can change is yourself.

When you are dating someone and considering marriage to that person, you agree to marry him as he is and expect no changes. He should do the same to you. You cannot go into marriage and think, "well, I don't like this about him, but he'll change after marriage." It doesn't work that way.

If you decide that your goal is to marry in the temple, then I suggest you break it off with this boy. It will be hard--very, very hard. But, unless he decides ON HIS OWN to be baptized and be temple worthy, then you need to find someone who more closely meets your requirements.

If you decide that temple marriage is not important to you, then his repentance doesn't matter to you. In fact, his repentance is between him and the Lord. You cannot judge him by your standards--he doesn't hold himself to your standards. If temple marriage is not important to you, then consider him for the other qualifications you have for a boy that is marriageable.

bmy- · #6 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FairChild

Wait till he is a church member and then think about marraige, not marry and wait till he converts.

Or.. how about selecting carefully? I can guarantee you that there are more quality men outside the Church than inside. You seem to have issues with being physically abused by your husbands -- are there any red flags that you now recognize that you previously could not see? Character flaws, etc?

Before you get offended for my criticism.. it is not intended to offend. I promise. I'm suggesting that perhaps your misfortunes had nothing to do with religion and more to do with who you entered into marriage with. It's partly curiosity, to be honest.. but how long did you date each of those men for? And how long were your engagements?

allredcon · #7 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 01:26 AM

I swear, non members can smell me a mile away and always want to date me. I wish to find a member to date someday.

FairChild · #8 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 07:48 PM

Yes bmy, I have learned a lot since I was last married. I have done a lot of counceling and work towards having a healthier self. I married the first one after only a few months, the second one was married after a little bit more time. When I went to a (abused women's) shelter support group we would all ask, what indicators could we look for to find out to warn of an abusive relationship. The only constant we could find in common was how quickly we became involved. The relationship developed very quickly to the point where it became almost impossible to untangle from it.

I don't mind you asking. I would like to think I may help someone not make the same mistakes I did. FC

chelsea-marie · #9 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 08:06 PM

Flirt to convert!

I was a non member when me and my fiance first started dating. I started having teachings a year later and now 2 years from when we met our relationship is stronger because we share the bonds that the gospel brings

Although, he was inactive when we met (and had been for 4 years) I got him going back to church, something which friends and family alike had been unable to do for years!

KelleyMc · #10 (**permalink**) 12-02-2009, 08:23 AM

I understand where you're coming from. As the child of a "mixed" marriage (my dad's not a member and has never seemed to want to learn) I can say that the children that will resort from the marriage with a non-member will feel the difference. I often (typically always) am attracted to non-LDS men and coming from a family like I do it's hard.
Ask him if he'd like to learn of the church or start going with you (I didn't notice if you'd already tried). THEN it will most likely become clearer if you two should just be friends.