I'm having difficulty knowing how to deal with this situation

[WillowTheWhisp]

First of all let me give you a little bit of background.

A very dear friend of mine died last summer. She had been the guardian of her 12 year old granddaughter and both attended church on a regular basis. My friend was a long established temple worthy member but the granddaughter had never been baptised because her mother opposed it. Her mother had been brought up in, but left the church and was a single parent living a very non-church type lifestyle.

When the grandmother died the granddaughter was devastated. Her world was thrown into chaos. She returned to live with the mother she had not lived with since she was a baby. Her grief was mingled with anger towards Heavenly Father for taking her grandmother from her and also guilt for the times she had thought her life would be better without the rules imposed by her gran.

My friend had asked me to promise that we would take her granddaughter to church with us and we naturally agreed. Surprisingly (to me) her mother did not object. Unfortunately after a couple of weeks the girls refused to come on Sundays but still attened Youth on Tueday evenings with my daughters. Her mother tried to encourage her to come to church with us and was pleased about her coming to Youth. A couple of times she even brought a non-member friend of hers with her.

Fast forward to last Tuesday when the Young Women had planned to do a fashion parade of church standard clothing and had teamed up with a couple of other Wards. The girls mother dressed her in a dress instead of the usual jeans, she even put something over the neckline and shoulders to cover her a little more so that she didn't have bare shoulders and show cleavage. However, when she got to church she was forbidden to take part in the parade (which was only done in front of other church YW, not for a public relations excercise) because her dress was deemed to be too short as it did not reach her knees. The YW leader and the Bishop both told her she could not participate.

The child's mother had tried to dress her as appropriately as she was able. And I know it's not easy to find church standard clothes for teenage girls around here. We really struggle and have to 'customise' anything we buy or make our own. The child had already been feeling unloved by Heavenly Father (as illustrated in her mind by him taking her grandmother from her) and unwanted by the church as she didn't feel she fitted in with some of the other YW who didn't exactly welcome her; but my girls had tried to keep encouraging her and hoped to be able to get her back out on Sunday eventually.

The result of her being told she was not dressed appropriately and could not take part - in fact it was even suggested she should go home except she had no way of getting home alone as it's several miles away and my husband had left them there and would go back for them as usual at the end of the evening - the result of this was thay she locked herself in the toilets and sobbed all evening.

Now she does not want to go back. When my daughter called her today and asked if she was coming with them (it was a pampering evening) she replied that she never wants to go again.

I can understand her feeling that way. I just can't understand why she was made to feel that way, why people couldn't have been kinder and more understanding. I know the church has dress standards which the YW are encouraged to adhere to, but am I wrong in thinking that an exception could have been made under the circumstances? It's not as if she was half naked.

I'm just finding it very hard to not feel angry towards the Bishop and YW leader at this point. Any ideas how I can handle this feeling?

[Truegrits]

From your account, it does seem like the mom did consider the standards of the Church in dressing her. You do not say how short the dress was...but ...having been in the YW presidency, I know that is not how we would have handled it. We would not have so publicly denounced the child, nor would we have denied her participating, nor would we have embarrassed her, or made her to feel unwelcome. If the dress was short, it could have been addressed later, less publicly and with less condemnation.
It is a much better lesson learned, when it is taught with understanding and love.

[WillowTheWhisp]

What's done is done unfortunately. Right now I need to stop feeling angry about it and do something positive for this young girl - but I don't know how or what. I dont want to lose her from the church. It's not even possible for the missionaries to call on her as there is no man in the house.

[FunkyTown]

Explain to the YW President what happened in a kind and loving, non-confrontational tone. Ask her if she'll go and apologize.

Because of pride, chances are that she'll at first be defensive. This is fine and even expected. Don't get upset, don't get confrontational, though I know you desperately want to.

Simply say to her, "I'm not saying you were wrong about how she was dressed.. I'm saying that she's a 12 year old girl who was embarassed publicly and now doesn't want to come to church. Please, for the sake of a young woman who desperately needs to believe, go to her house and apologize. Be sincere. Be loving."

Now, I have to warn you Willow. Doing what I'm suggesting will not be easy. She will probably be defensive. She will interrupt you. You have to be very calm this whole time, reiterating that you understand why she did it, but that this young woman feels devastated by it and could use a good example: That apologizing honestly, frankly and forthrightly, and treating her like an adult - That will give the girl a chance to come back, or at least forgive.

So to reiterate: Doing what I'm saying will not be easy. You will want to yell. You will get frustrated. She will be defensive(Most likely). If you go prepared for the worst possible reaction(Which happens often in these cases), and are prepared to forgive this YWP and love her unconditionally, she may go and apologize to the young woman. This apology usually helps immensely as young women are never expecting a genuine apology and doing so will help endear both of them to each other.

EDIT: The reason I keep pointing out that you need to stay calm is that I have seen numerous cases like this spiral out of control. One person does something incorrect, another person gets angry, the first gets defensive and refuses to budge, there's a huge blow-up and the second person then throws up their hands in disgust. The second person is every bit as wrong as the first person in this scenario, regardless of who made the first mistake. There are numerous times when I've said to people, 'Does it matter if you were right? You still didn't get the result you wanted to achieve.'

[Wingnut]

I have to agree with True Grits. If the dress was too short, it did need to be addressed, but not publicly, not in a humiliating fashion, and not so harshly. I think it's great that such care was taken in the first place to cover the shoulders and cleavage. Her mother is obviously conscientious. I think it was entirely out of place for them to tell her she had to go home. There's no reason she couldn't still watch the fashion show, even if she was not allowed to participate. She could have even been allowed to participate, specifically as an example of appropriate upper body attire.

It makes me very sad to read this, as it reminds me of a mission companion of mine. She was baptized at the age of eight, and her parents divorced when she was still quite young. When she entered the Young Women program, she was living with her dad. They didn't have a lot of money, and she didn't have nice clothes. She went to church her first Sunday as a Beehive there, and the girls made fun of her clothes. She was upset and embarrassed and didn't want to go back. Since her dad wasn't active, he didn't force her to go to church. Eventually my friend moved back with her mom (who was by then inactive as well), and her records were transferred to the new ward. My friend still hadn't been to church since that first week as a new Beehive. When she turned 18, she was assigned a visiting teacher, who tried at first to visit my friend, who skillfully avoided contact with the woman. After a few tries, the visiting teacher eventually went to calling my friend each month. Every single month for seven years, this woman called my friend and left her a voicemail with a cheerful message. Eventually my friend had several things in her life combine to the point that she knew something was missing. She decided to give church a try. At that point, with both parents still inactive, the visiting teacher was her only contact with the church. My friend called her, and went back to church that Sunday. One year later, she went to the temple, and two weeks after that, into the MTC. (She is now married in the temple and happily active in the church.)

My friend's story has a happy ending, but hearing WTW's story makes me sad to think that my friend missed out on 13 years of activity in the Church because someone criticized what she was wearing.

[beefche]

Wow, Wingy, what a powerful story about VT. You should encourage your friend to write that up for the Ensign.

[beefche]

Willow, what are you needing help with exactly? Your feelings or the situation?

Your feelings are...well, your feelings. You know you need to forgive those involved and that will just take some time and effort on your part.

As far as the situation. Well, that's a lot tougher. I agree with Funky that the YW president needs to be informed and asked to take part in welcoming this young girl back. I'm hoping that whether she was right or wrong, that she can see that the feelings of a sensitive, hormonal teen were hurt and take steps necessary to soothe them. Also, I think she should realize that these girls are struggling and enlist the help of the Beehive presidency to take an active interest (or Mia Maid or whatever group they are in). I also think the Bishop needs to be made aware of what happened and how this girl reacted. Again, whether the actions were right or wrong, the fact that this young girl spent the night locked in the bathroom sobbing AND NO ONE NOTICED (??!!) is concerning to me.

[Iggy]

I can so feel for this young woman!

Willow- if it were me, I would meet with both the Bishop and the YW Pres together and tell them that you do not know what to do to help get a Young Woman to come back to church.

I wouldn't let them know who I was talking about until I got them thoroughly immersed in ways to encourage this young hormonal woman back to church.

Let them know that she has low self esteem, that her mother is totally inactive, that she feels God has let her down by taking her beloved grandparent from her. Let the Bishop and YW Pres know that you are honestly and sincerely inlisting their help in loving this Young Woman back into the church.

Relate your story to them, the op here - but leave out her name and her Grandmother's name. Leave out that she was forbidden to be included in the fashion show- but do tell them that she has been rejected by some in the church.

Don't blame anyone, don't demand apologies, be proactive. Look for solutions from the Bishop and YW Pres. Tell them you know that We all need to be proactive here - how can We Love her back to Church?

Once they have come to some solutions and require a name and address- that is when they will realize the wrong path they had been on. Because you have not blasted them with anger, because you have not pointed the finger of shame at anyone they can not become defensive and shut down or take their guilt trip out on the young woman or on you.

I would suggust that you write everything down. Blow up, accuse, chastise on paper (Word). Then Edit, Edit, Edit. Or in my case: Delete, Delete, Delete. I really love it when 14 pages of flaming turns into one page of Nice. I have blown it out of my system, and I am able to procede with a Nice attitude- A Pro Active attitude.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Originally Posted by beefche

Willow, what are you needing help with exactly? Your feelings or the situation?

Both. I feel angry and that is not constructive.

Because the girl's grandmother was a friend of mine I am feeling personally involved in this. I have also experienced feeling unwanted by other church members so I can relate a little to how she is feeling, but for her it is much. much more because of all the other emotions with the loss of her grandmother.

I appreciate all the good advice here.

That is a wonderful story about a dedicated Visiting Teacher. Alas I fear that wouldn't happen in this girl's case as she has never been baptised and so is not on the church records. She could end up being totally forgotten about and I don't want that to happen.

It's a small ward Iggy so they will know who I'm talking about the moment I open my mouth but I feel I need to do something I can't just let her drift away and it needs to be non-confrontational. I just wory that I will get upset, especially if my concerns are dismissed or the other person becomes defensive.

I would appreciate some prayers too from you guys on this.

My husband, who is a non-member, just doesn't understand why I am so concerned and just says "Leave it, it isn't your problem." - but I can't do that. Am I my sister's keeper? Yes!

[jolee65]

Personally I would go to the young lady and tell her how I dont blame her for feeling that way, that you would have felt the same disappointment and that its hard enough being a teenager without losing a grandmother and then being so misunderstood, and 'depending on your relationship if she would I would hold her because she probably needs it' I would ask her to reconsider going to church with the family and that its not the same without her.

And as far as the bishop and the other member that was together on this have a sit down and explain the situation and ask for there help in welcoming her and see that you and them can help keep another lost sheep from losing its way.

Im not sure if thats what your asking but if it had been me thats what I would do.